


if you wish to be loved, love [HIATUS]

by Hamartia97



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, But mostly angst, M/M, This is canon and you can't tell me otherwise, daniel is changing, feat my messy fanarts, hints of panwik and ongniel, i love 2park friendship, i swear daniel has like ten personalities, jihoon is growing, nielwink, please write more about them i'm thristy, yep that pretty much sums up the whole storyline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 09:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11310882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamartia97/pseuds/Hamartia97
Summary: “Cat got your tongue, Jihoonie?”“I—” Jihoon begins to hyperventilate when he catches the said smirk, the fanning motion of his hands does nothing to cool his burning face. “I-I’m going inside!”Daniel watches amusedly from the side as Jihoon literally runs away from him. When he’s completely alone, Daniel sweeps his golden tresses back and drags his tongue slowly across his lips. The rich, luscious taste of Jihoon’s skin is still fresh and it leaves a tingling feeling inside his chest. If his skin alone is this sweet, then how would his lips taste like?“Aish.” he ruffles his hair in frustration. “You really drive me crazy, Park Jihoon.”





	1. alea iacta est

> _tsi vis amari, ama  
>  _ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._     

 

* * *

**01**  
「alea iacta est」   

 

* * *

}{

 

 

 Jihoon pulls his breath slowly as if he’s trying to lose himself between his pressed up lungs and begins to count his heartbeats. One, then two, three, four—but when he almost reaches eleven, he stops.

 _It’s over_ , he thinks.

There will be no more tears, no more sadness, no more grief. There will be no more cramped room with four bunk beds that smells like washed out linen and sweat. No more late night spent under dimming studio light and foggy mirrors as they danced their fear away. No more hushed laughs and restrained smile shared across the room when the camera wasn’t rolling.  No more – _don’t cry, just smile, they are watching, don’t show them any weakness_ – so Jihoon closes his eyes, pressing them shut so tight until he sees stars.

_It’s over; finally, it’s over._

(One hundred days and a million tears; he could have done so much better. But he couldn't then, so he shouldn't now.)

A bittersweet smile works its way between his chattering teeth. Jihoon should be happy, he _should_ be, but why his heart feels so heavy instead?

_Why it feels so hard to keep the tears away?_

For a long time, he is silent and unmoving before the thick, solid block of his perseverance melts into water; leaving him all wide and vulnerable. He is about to lose his composure and break down to tears, but then the door behind him creaks, lines of yellowed light shimmering between the gap over its hinges and the tiled balcony from where he's standing. Jihoon lets his slightly wet eyelashes kiss his cheeks softly before he blinks awake.

 _Ah_.

“Daniel… hyung.”

The person across him smiles.

“Jihoonie,”

Once again, he blinks at the term of endearment. The two of them aren’t particularly close, but just now, it feels like they have known each other since forever despite only being together for months. Thousands of questions suddenly fuel inside his head, and yet no answers come easily between his teeth. Honestly, even now, Jihoon doesn’t know what to label Daniel as.

_Does he a rival? A friend? A brother?_

(—what to label his feeling for him as.)

_Maybe... something more?_

“Why are you outside? It’s freezing here, you’ll catch a cold.” Daniel suddenly says with the eye-smile still presents before he offers him a bundle of fluff for him to take. “Here.”

Jihoon blinks, again.

It’s a maroon colored _Stussy_ hoodie with that is clenched between Daniel’s long fingers. Jihoon holds his breath when their eyes accidentally meet. His heart suddenly turns into clockwork, beating miles per hour when he feels the weight of Daniel's gaze on him.

(It’s something that he couldn’t forget for a lifetime, he thinks. There is something inside those eyes; something abstract and formless, something he couldn't name.)

“Ck, you just have to forget to wear something warm when it’s freezing cold outside.” When the elder begins to pull the hoodie down his body, Jihoon feels his heartbeats running miles and miles away. Daniel’s breath is warm against the skin of his ear and neck, but his touch against his body is somehow warmer; it almost burns him whole. “There you go. Does it feel okay?”

“H-Huh?” Jihoon stammers when his much smaller build suddenly being enveloped with endless warmth. He blinks a few times before he looks down at his body and finds himself completely drowning inside the oversized hoodie. His apple cheeks lit up when he finally realizes that the hoodie isn’t his, but Daniel’s. “A-Ah, um, yes. Thank you.”

A moment of silence, and then;

“Your welcome.”

Once again with his eye-smile and bunny teeth, Daniel stunts Jihoon with his sincereness. He bites the insides of his cheek, unsure as to what is more unsettling: being the recipient of the smile, or the fact he can’t even stop himself from smiling back at him. It makes Jihoon wonder. They have come such a long way, haven’t they? It has been such a long road filled with so many obstacles for both of them, and yet the only thing that Jihoon can think about is how to return his smile with the same intensity—

_How could you smile at me like nothing happened?_

(—with the same gentleness that he does not seem to possess.)

He stops breathing for a moment, speechless, when Daniel, in that throaty baritone voice of his, whispers;

“Jihoon, do you hate me?”

It scares him, because for a moment there, Daniel sounds like he is about to cry. Moreover, even though Jihoon wants to say that _no, of course not; how could I hate a person like you_ —the answer isn’t even in the tips of his tongue. The words are lodged in his throat, just waiting for him to find his courage and finally spit them out.

Jihoon isn't sure what to say, what he can answer that will make this okay - whatever is this - because his voice just _won't_ come out.

“No—just… forget it.” Daniel chuckles weakly. The light in his eyes diminishes, just a small, dying flame trying to keep burning. He grips Jihoon upper arm gently, forcing a grin. “I—I’ll be going first, okay? Don’t, uh, don't spend too much time in here Jihoonie.” He pauses, as if he's trying to say something, but holds himself in time. “Um, goodnight.”

Jihoon watches Daniel pull his hand away as if being in the same proximity with him burns. His head begins to throb as guilt worms its way into the depth of his heart. That guilt is familiar, he realizes, but the churning of his stomach is foul and revolting.

It makes him sick.

So he reaches out, and doesn't let go.

“…Jihoon?”

Jihoon licks his dry lips, and for a moment it’s all silence and still. The words stay inside his mouth, trapped between the line of his teeth, and suddenly everything feels too much for him. No one is moving; no one is talking, and he has this feeling in his chest; a bursting, tight sensation which makes his insides churn and toes curl. Somewhere deep in his heart, he knows that he needs to do this.

His grip against Daniel’s parka tightens until the clothes crumble around his small fingers.

“I don’t hate you.” Jihoon confesses before he can back out. He’s afraid to catch Daniel’s eyes, so he chooses to look at his feet instead. “I could never—”

 _I_ _could never hate you._

Jihoon catches the way Daniel’s eyes widen and mouth hangs from his peripheral vision. Then, after a whole minute of painful silence, Jihoon allows himself to look up and sees his own face reflected on those beautiful dark irises. It looks like the tears have already pricked the corner of his eyes, and truthfully, Jihoon looks pitiful.

He sees it so clearly; all the sadness, all the pain, and the hurt. He sees grief; he sees sorrow. However, most of all, the one that he feels so grateful about, when he blinks and focuses his sight on Daniel’s once more he sees understanding and acceptance envisaged inside those eyes.

“I’m glad then,” Daniel whispers as he moves forward to engulf Jihoon inside an embrace. His touch is careful and soft, but Jihoon can feel the desperation when his forehead falls into the crook of his neck. “You don’t know how happy I’m to hear that, Jihoon-ah.”

“I—I just… _how_ could I ever hate you, hyung?” he begins again, this time quieter; and laced with a little bit of sadness. “You are _you_ —” his voice cracks a little. “How could I hate you when you always have been so kind to me?”

“But you were crying,” Daniel mutters quietly. “After the final, I saw you backed into the corner, trying so bad to hold your tears. And just now, you… if I didn’t come, you would have cried, right?” he pauses, sighing. “Honestly I don’t know what to think about. I wanted to come over and hold you, but I didn’t know if you would appreciate that. I wanted to make you laugh, but just the thought of confronting you was _scary_. You... always pushed me away, you know? But I couldn’t do that, shouldn't do that when you're crying because of  _me_.”

“It’s not—it’s not you. I mean, I'm just a bit disappointed, and maybe angry – I don't know," Jihoon shakes his head, frustrated. “But I’m not angry at _you_ , I'm angry at  _myself._ I just couldn’t help but think that _if_ only I’d tried harder, _if_ only I’d pushed myself harder… but it’s already too late and you…”

It’s hard to keep his voice from wavering, and even harder to hold his tears back, but he tries his best anyway.

“I'm so happy for you, hyung.” His voice does crack, but at least he’s smiling sincerely like how he wanted to. “You deserve the first place, and I won’t have it any other way.”

Jihoon can feel him smile against his skin, and he doesn’t need a mind reader to tell how grateful Daniel of his little speech. “I’m just afraid, you know? After the final result, all I could think about is – _ah, Jihoonie will hate me; he will definitely hate me and there’s nothing I can’t do about that_.” he lets out a watery chuckle, and Jihoon has to bit his lips from bursting to tears. “We weren’t that close before, and even now, when we are only breath apart I can still feel the distance between us. I was so happy when they put us on a team together. Together with you… is really fun and unforgettable for me. Does… does it make me sounds like an idiot to want to be close to you?”

_Daniel-hyung…_

“You deserved the first place,” Jihoon says weakly, trying to avoid his last question because honestly, he doesn’t know what to answer at all. “There’s no way that I would hate you for something that you earned by your hard work, hyung.”

“But it was your place,” Daniel says instead; so stubborn, so _kind_. “It’s yours and I feel like I’m stealing it from you. You know that I never see you as my rival right? You’ll always be Jihoonie to me. That cute dongsaeng I want to protect. That dongsaeng that always make want to smile in both embarrassment and fondness. You… even if we’ve known each other only for a few months, you already mean so much to me Jihoon-ah.”

Jihoon pauses when he hears something breaking. His chest is closing up so quickly that he forgets to breathe for a moment. This dull ache; right between his ribcage and heart, what does it means?

“A dongsaeng, huh?” he murmurs.

(Why he feels so disappointed?)

Daniel tilts his head upward to catch his expression. “What is it, Jihoonie?"

“It’s nothing hyung.” he smiles; a bittersweet one this time around. “Just forget about it, okay?”

  

  

 }{

 

 

Daniel watches as Jihoon press his hand together; fingers entwine, his body shivering lightly. The night had long gone, disappearing over the reddish blue eastern sky in a palette of colors. It's almost morning now, he notices, perhaps a few hours until dawn. The air around him is humid and burning ice, morning dews plump and glittery along the frail-looking hedge in front of them. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Jihoon’s mouth begins to move, perhaps sighing, as silvery white smokes exited his paling lips.

His unkempt, but still beautiful hair is drifting by the lulling wind. His cheeks are sanguine, all red and stuffy because of the cold. Jihoon makes such a contrast with his surrounding, ashen to black, he stands out like a sore thumb. But despite it all, the only thing Daniel can think about is Jihoon's cold even when he’s literally swallowed by his hoodie and how to make him warm again. So he pulls the hem of the black parka he’d forgotten wearing, and tugs the dark material off before he places it over his shaking shoulders in one sweep of motion.

“Hyung!” The younger boy throws a glare and shrugs the clothes back at him. “What are you doing? _You_ will catch a cold! Don’t pretend to act cool when your shoulders are shaking that badly.”

“They do not shake,” Daniel whines pitifully. “It’s just a little bit cold. I can manage it Jihoonie but you—”

“I’m _fine_.” His glare deepens but instead of feeling afraid, all Daniel can notice is how beautiful his honey brown orbs all gleaming and twinkling so brightly right now. They almost beat the stars up there, he thinks. “You’d already gave me your hoodie, please think of yourself a bit more.”

Daniel pauses at the words. It’s true that he’s a little bit cold right now, but how could he just stand aside when he's freezing?

_I just want you to be warm, Jihoonie._

“Daniel-hyung!”

Daniel snaps out from his thought to find Jihoon staring up at him. He doesn’t know just how long he’d zoned out but it seems like he isn't responsive for a while that Jihoon is gnawing his plump lower lip in what he supposes, concern. That act of his though, only made Daniel’s eyes stray from his cute face, and focus on his cherry colored lips instead.

Then Daniel is suddenly on fire. He can’t help but wonder what it feels like to ki—

_Fuck._

He groans, cheeks reddening in pure embarrassment at those—those inappropriate thoughts he is having. This isn't what he wants to deal right now. Not now.

_Not this again._

"Hyung?" Jihoon knits his eyebrows, a frown marring his face when he notices his discomfort. "Are you okay?" he asks, tucking a lone stray from his eye, freeing his view completely.

“I’m okay Jihoonie, don’t be mad please?” he says sheepishly after a moment. “I’ll wear it, alright? Just stop pouting.”

“I’m not pouting,” Jihoon grumbles and turns his head around, undoubtedly trying to hide his reddening face. “Stop saying nonsense hyung.”

_Fuck it he’s really cute._

“Hyung…” he snaps his head so fast to catch Jihoon’s questioning eyes on him. “Why are you still here?”

Daniel pauses, eyebrows knitting subtly. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No!” It’s puzzling how fast Jihoon’s face could rival that of a tomato, but it’s even more puzzling to see him acting all shy and embarrassed in front of him. “I mean, uh, it’s… _nice_ to have some company. But I feel bad for stopping you before, I m-mean, you look really uncomfortable. It must be freezing so you can go back inside hyung. I'm managing just fine here.”

At the honest answer, Daniel can only smile and pats the younger head in gratitude. “Nah, I like it here. It’s quieter. Inside is a total mess you know. The last thing I see is Jisung-hyung and Seongwoo-hyung dancing to Dream Girls dressed up in all pink and the rest hyping them up while supporting a camera each.” he snorts. “You should see them. They look fucking ridiculous.”

“Seriously?” The look Jihoon throws at him is so comical and cute at the same time. “What even… I can’t believe them.”

“Believe it.” Daniel chuckles lightly at the pure disbelief written across his face, ruffling his fluffy brown tresses gently. “I really am looking forward to our upcoming dorm life. I trust them to make it hilarious.”

“They’re an idiot.” Jihoon agrees, a fond expression settling on his pale face. “But they’re our idiots, so that’s fine.”

Their conversation ends when Jihoon turns his head to look forward into the distance, humming softly. For a while, Daniel's world stops spinning around the brown haired. He closes his eyes and chooses to focus on his surroundings. He can hear Jihoon’s warm voice overlapping with rustling leaves, feel the rushes of cold against his neck and taste the coarse air across his tongue. The wind lulls his skin with its tenderness, and he forgets the ugly, ugly feeling inside his heart and embraces the silence instead.

To be honest, Daniel didn’t realize it at first. There was something he couldn't grasp about Jihoon because he’s always hiding behind his mask; hoping that no one could see, could get past that facade of his. Daniel thought that all he needed was to cry and be sad. To break down and be torn apart so he could pick himself up and stick his scattered heart together. Because Daniel always believed that the only way to be happy was to give into sadness first.

(It was Jihoon who taught him that, back when everything was hard and he's about to give up. But then again Jihoon never let himself to fall. He was so strong, even when the entire world weighed itself upon his shoulders.)

Daniel wonders, did he ever smile for real? It was always been so fleeting, his smile, that he didn't know what to make of it. So, in the act of frustration, he began to watch Jihoon when he wasn’t looking; when his eyes were focusing on something more, more important than him. Daniel began to notice him, that among the countless people scattered around him, he’s always the _first_ he saw.

(Back then and even now, what he sees first has always been Jihoon’s back.)

But then his feeling become too much to control. It turned and mold into something he never thought it would. And because of that Daniel always told himself to keep him at arm's length; never get too close, never get attached, but the younger broke his wall anyway.

He has become his friend, his place to lean on, and before he realizes it, he has become much, _much_ more than that.

_Ridiculous, isn't it?_

(So he couldn't help but think that it's time for him to take a chance. Because maybe, just maybe, it would be different this time around.)

“Jihoon,” Daniel breaks the silence softly. “Tomorrow we’re going to move to our new dorm right? Can I ask you something?”

“Hm?” The younger tips his head to a side, “What is it, hyung?”

Daniel grins shyly. “If I told you that I want us to room together, what would you say?”

Jihoon looks taken aback for a moment before a small smile adorns his pretty face. “Hm, okay.”

“Okay?” Daniel blinks. “Seriously?”

“Yeah…” The smile he’s sporting turns into a frown. Jihoon blinks at him, tilting his head to a side. “Is something wrong with that?”

“No, of course not!” Daniel denies him quickly with a sheepish smile. “It’s just… well, I think you would’ve preferred to room with Jinyoung or Woojin instead since you’re pretty close to them.”

“Nah, I'm not that picky. Besides, I’m sure Daehwi wants to room with Jinyoungie.” Jihoon nods his head cutely. “I don’t know about Woojin, he’s really laid back, so I think he will be fine with any of us. As long as we’re not too noisy, of course. It's his job to be the noisy one, after all.”

Daniel puts his hand across his heart, sighing dramatically. But the twinkle in his eyes apparently gives him away. “Well, there goes my two competitors. Now I’m left with only Guanlin to fight.”

“Why would you fight Guanlin?” Jihoon asks, amused.

“The kid adores you a lot Jihoonie,” he says, straight-faced. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes this whole be-my-roommate a competition.”

“You make it sound like a serious thing hyung.” Jihoon holds his palm up to hide his giggles, and Daniel dies from the cuteness. “It’s not like rooming with me that great.”

“I love rooming with you.” Daniel shrugs as if it’s a common fact. “But the last time it was a cramped room with four bunk beds, so I don’t think we made that much progress besides knowing that you and Seongwoo-hyung are super good at acting and love to prank everyone.” he pauses, throwing Jihoon an amused smile. “Yeah, remind me to tell the guys that the two of you are banned from rooming together. It’ll be drama every day if you two join forces.”

“We’re not that bad.” Jihoon pouts and this is the umpteenth time Daniel feels like dying because damn, he’s too damn adorable for his heart to handle. “All of you just really easy to fool.”

“Really?” Daniel raises his eyebrows.

“Really.” Jihoon deadpans. “I mean, you are really bad at maintaining your composure. Seongwoo-hyung and I aren’t good at acting, we’re just really good at controlling our expression.”

A pause, then a playful smile makes its way across Daniel’s face.

“Then, you wouldn’t mind it if I do this Jihoon-ah.”

Daniel takes a step closer to the younger, not missing the movement Jihoon's throat makes as he swallows. Keeping his pace steady, he slowly backs him into the railing until they are almost flush with each other. It's nothing much, he's just going to scare him a little. So he keeps cutting their distance short until Jihoon's back collides with the railing.

Something in the back of his mind screams at him to get the hell away from Jihoon now, that it's time to laugh and tell him he's just messing around—but his body won’t listen.

He can't control himself at all.

“H-Hyung?” Jihoon instinctively moves back, baring his face away from him. “W-What are you doing?”

"Hmh?" he moves even closer, his hot breath fanning Jihoon skin red. With one hand, Daniel tugs the hoodie until it exposes Jihoon’s smooth, pale neck. He stares at the expanse of porcelain skin for a moment before the slight movement from Jihoon disenchant him. “Stay still Jihoon-ah."

_Abort mission. Abort mission. Abort miss—_

Daniel dips his head down to nose around Jihoon’s neck, pausing for a few seconds only to kiss the skin chastely. He hears the younger’s startled shriek when his hot, moist tongue suddenly leaves a wet trail along his exposed neck. Time seems frozen as Daniel begins to go even further with his bold demonstration, completely ignoring the hitch in Jihoon’s ragged breathing as he stops at the junction between the shoulder and neck and begins to suck.

Even when he hears Jihoon’s shocked gasp, Daniel doesn’t stop. He keeps reminding himself to not go overboard because he shouldn't have gone this far in the first place. But _how_ could he not when Jihoon keeps making those sounds?

The way the younger boy mewls and paws against his clothes desperately at the feeling of teeth just barely grazing his skin is driving him mad. When his teeth accidentally pull the reddening flesh a bit too hard, Jihoon lets out another small whimper. Daniel just smiles at the display of weakness, and instead of stopping his ministrations, he puts his palm on the back of Jihoon’s neck, tugging on the loose hair gently as he joins their forehead together.

“You okay there, Jihoon-ah?”

As if he’s being pulled out from a spell, Jihoon jerks back from the not so innocent touch. Something akin to disappointment begins to well up in Daniel’s chest when the sensation of Jihoon’s smooth skin across his palm and forehead disappears slowly, making him wants to lay his hand on him again.

“Y-Yeah, I’m—” Jihoon gulps down and bites his lips hard. “I’m, uh, o-okay.”

“Not so composed, are you?” Daniel chuckles, trying to play it cool when he sees red spring over his cheeks at an alarmingly fast speed. “Ah, you’re really cute.”

_God, what have I done?_

“S-Shut up.” he pushes his palms against his crimson cheeks in a pitiful act to hide his embarrassment. “You’re playing dirty, hyung.”

“Am I?” Daniel raises his brow when he sees Jihoon’s blush darkens even more. “You seem to like it, though.”

 _What the fu_ — _stupid, stupid mouth!_

“Wha—” Jihoon’s so red that he’s afraid he would combust. His lips keep closing and opening as he babbles incoherently. “I—I’m – Uh—”

Even after a minute, the younger male is still spouting a mouthful of gibberish which in turn triggers Daniel to smile playfully at him. “Cat got your tongue, Jihoonie?”

“I—” Jihoon begins to hyperventilate when he catches the said smile, the fanning motion of his hands does nothing to cool his burning face. “I-I’m going inside!”

Daniel watches amusedly from the side as Jihoon literally runs away from him. When he’s completely alone, Daniel collapses into himself, suddenly feeling tired beyond belief.

Sighing, he sweeps his golden tresses back and drags his tongue slowly across his lips. The rich, luscious taste of Jihoon’s skin is still fresh, and it leaves a tingling feeling in his chest.

If his skin alone is this sweet, then how would his lips taste like?

“Aish.” he ruffles his hair in frustration. “You really drive me crazy, Park Jihoon.” 

  

   

 

* * *

_love as though  
you might hate,_  
_and hate as though  
you might love_  
_don’t show your weakness  
and smile instead.  
  
__even if it’s going to kill us,_  
_let us love, love, love._   

 

* * *

 tbc—? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY I CAN’T WRITE NORMAL FOR ONCE ASDFJGKL. I hope the characterization is alright, especially for Daniel because I swear the guy can go from a fluffy dog into a sexy man full of charms in a second. All hail to NielWink! Cha!  
> P.s: English isn’t my mother language, please forgive me for any (read: many) grammatical errors inside this story! Thanks for reading~ ^^


	2. spero melior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he was a child, his mother always told him that falling in love with his father was the most beautiful thing she’d ever experienced. Even with such knowledge, Jihoon doesn’t know if he wants to go through the same thing; if he wants to experience the burdensome feeling at all.
> 
> (Because when his mother fell in love, she was dragging her entire universe down with her. Jihoon isn’t sure that he’s ready to do the same.)

_Was that real?_

That’s the only thing he can think about for the last minutes. Jihoon pushes his palms against his burning face, praying the action can stop the blood from rushing to his cheeks for once and for all.

"Am I dreaming?" he mutters, then shakes his head. "Yeah, I must be dreaming. There's... there's no way that it's real."

Raising his shaky hand, Jihoon begins to trace his fingers along his neck. When he finds the warm and slightly wet patch still resides between the junction of the skin under his ear and his collarbones, he lets out a small shudder. The flesh is still raw and tingling. Jihoon bites his lower lip hard when he feels a bruise starting to mold against his outer skin.

_Oh god, it really happened._

Trying to calm himself, Jihoon licks his dry lips repeatedly before he begins to gnaw on them again. The sour taste of broken skin and blood which blooms between his teeth doesn’t discourage him even a bit.

_What should I do? What kind of face should I wear?_

He watches as his hands fall across his lap, his palms automatically spread wide when his knuckles collide with his clothed thighs. They are perfectly still now, completely at odds with the confusion swirling around him.

_Does he know? Am I that easy to read?_

Ignoring the urge to empty his stomach all over the floor, Jihoon lets out a shaky breath. Even though some part of him knows it’s going to happen sooner or later, even though his mind is rejecting the possibility of him falling this fast; his body has already accepted it as truth. As reality.

(Now, he feels like a complete fool for running away. How could he be more obvious?)

_Calm down, Jihoon._

He doesn’t want to admit it, but when everything finally clicked into place, suddenly it makes sense. Everything makes sense the moment his heart begins to beat miles and miles away just because he remembers his beautiful eye-smile, his awkward laugh, his big, warm hands—

(But it’s not supposed to be like this, _not_ like this.)

“Jihoon? You’re back already?”

Jihoon snaps his head to find Jinyoung and Woojin standing at the door, staring at him with a weird expression on their face. Hoping that he could maintain his inner turmoil from showing, Jihoon sends them a weak smile.

“Yeah, I—It’s freezing outside,” he says sheepishly. “I came back a few minutes ago to, uh, get something warm. How’s the party?”

He stops breathing for a moment when both land their eyes on him with _this_ expression plastered on their face. No, not at _him,_ but at the marron hoodie he’s currently wearing. It really scares him; the way they are staring. Jihoon makes sure to tightens his hoodie so they wouldn’t see the forming bruise under it.

(Something at the back of his head is telling him that they know, but choose not to confront him for his sake.)

But then, the feeling is gone when they drop themselves beside him, all smiles and twinkling eyes and begin to talk excitedly.

“You wouldn’t believe what happened.” Jinyoung stifles a laugh. “ _I_ still can’t believe what happened.”

“It’s mind-blowing, really,” Woojin says with that shit-eating grin of his. He fishes a smartphone from his pocket and waves it across Jihoon’s face. “Wanna see?”

 

 

* * *

 _si vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, } _so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

 **02**  
「spero melior」

* * *

}{

 

 

Jihoon would often wonder how it must feel, to be in love.

Because he was young, and also because he wasn’t the type to wreck his brain about something uncertain, he kept beating himself over for even thinking about it in the first place. But then he would think about it again and forgot about it a second later. The cycle recurred over and over, and each time Jihoon would brush it off like it was nothing because, it’s not his time yet, right?

When he was a child, his mother always told him that falling in love with his father was the most beautiful thing she’d ever experienced. It was slow, she said. Nothing was confirmed and the days bled into months, years even, and the next thing she knew, she fell in love. Even with such knowledge, Jihoon doesn’t know if he wants to go through the same thing; if he wants to experience the burdensome feeling at all.

(Because when his mother fell in love, she started dragging her entire universe down with her. Jihoon isn’t sure that he’s ready to do the same.)

But in the end, Jihoon fell in love with him. He fell hard and fast. He tried to ignore the feeling, tried to bury it deep because it's not the right time to feel this way but then last night happened.

Jihoon is no idiot. He knows what it means as soon as he wakes up the next morning.

If the way his heart keeps trying to escape from his ribcage when Daniel’s within five meters radius is not a clear sign of his man-crush, then he doesn’t know what else.

(Park Jihoon is in love with Kang Daniel, and right now he’s dragging his entire universe down with him.)

The question is; does the older feel the same way about him?

“God,” he ruffles his hair, frowning. “This is getting ridiculous.”

The answer is; he’s not sure. Despite what had transpired between them last night, Jihoon can’t be sure about _anything_. He doesn’t know, and honestly, he doesn’t want to know the extent of Daniel’s feeling if that means Jihoon could still act normally around him. Ignorance is better than trying to fight the awkwardness every damn time they locked eyes. 

He hates what they’ve become. It’s frustrating. Because Daniel, that stupid hyung, has been trying to avoid him at all cost. 

Keyword; try.

And he fails, as he should be. They’re living in the same building with the same bathroom and the same pantry, how can he avoid him? And on top of that, he’s really obvious about his intention that it’s almost funny to watch. The recent ones happened two hours ago. Daniel didn’t greet him when they accidentally met on their way to the pantry. He didn’t even _look_ at him for god's sake. It’s like he was invisible or something.

(Daniel acted as if he didn’t _know_ him, and frankly, it hurt Jihoon more than he thought it would.)

“You ready, Hoonie?” Woojin suddenly asks from his right, startling him from his thoughts. “The car is going to arrive in ten minutes they said.”

“Yeah, um—wait, just a little more,” he says while sporting a huge bag over his shoulder. There’s also a small bag and two sacks which being clenched among his small fingers. “There! I think it’s everything.”

Seeing that he’s ready to go, Jihoon moves his head to nod at Woojin. But when he sees the stare Woojin’s giving him, Jihoon can only blink in confusion.

“What?” he tilts his head. “What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Woojin doesn’t answer him, and for a moment there it scares him. “That hoodie,” he begins after a minute, pointing at one of the sacks Jihoon’s holding. “—is Daniel-hyung’s right?”

Jihoon freezes.

“It’s his, right? I remember him wearing it a while ago.” Still with the same blank eyes, Woojin is demanding an answer from him. But Jihoon—

_What should I say?_

Jihoon doesn’t know what to answer without being way too obvious about the whole thing. He was lying when he said that he’s good at maintaining his composure. He knows jack shit about controlling his expression, especially in front of people that know him well. Because they would be able to spot the difference in seconds, so lying to Woojin is a big no-no.

In short, he's screwed.

“A-Ah, y-yeah…” Jihoon coughs. “I—I was cold, so Daniel-hyung, uh, lent me his hoodie.” he finishes with an awkward laugh.

Total silence.

Jihoon wants to bury himself alive.

_Say something Park Woojin!_

“You know that you can tell me anything, right?” Woojin finally opens his mouth. “Jinyoungie too, and even Jisung-hyung. We’ll be there if you want to talk.”

_What? What are you trying to say?_

“Ah yeah, I’m—” he pauses, biting his lower lip hard. “I’m okay. It’s okay… you don’t have to worry, hm?”

Woojin stares at him in silence before he sighs. “How could I not worry about you?” he says, looking at him with soft eyes before he moves closer to ruffle Jihoon’s hair. “Come on, let’s go meet the others.”

There’s only Minhyun, Jisung, Jaehwan, and Sungwoon sitting on the long sofa in the living room. Jaehwan and Sungwoon are busy with their phones, while Minhyun and Jisung are talking quietly with each other. When Jihoon and Woojin make themselves known, Jisung pauses and begins to wave his hand around.

“Jihoonie, Woojinie, here!” The older shouts, still excitedly waving his hand that it almost smack Minhyun across the face. “Come here! Let’s sit together.”

Jihoon smiles at the warm welcome, and tugs Woojin along to claim the love seat beside the sofa. “Where’s the others hyung?”

“Jinyoung-ah, Daehwi, and Guanlin are still packing. They forgot to pack last night apparently. Ck, those kids.” This time the answer comes from Sungwoon which had pocketed his phone. “I dunno about Daniel and Seongwoo. I’m pretty sure that they were right behind me when we came out, but now they’re gone.”

Jihoon frowns when his chest suddenly tightens.

_What is this weird feeling?_

“I can search for them if you like?” Woojin offers. “Only eight minutes left before our ride arrived. They won’t like it if we’re stalling behind.”

“Yeah, maybe you should.” Jisung nods. “Just look at their room, I guess the—”

_“KANG DANIEL!”_

They yelp, shaken out by Seongwoo’s loud, booming voice which comes from the room at the end of the corridor. Jihoon whips his head to find a laughing Daniel clutching a familiar black sling bag while Seongwoo pouting at him. Seeing that he’s being ignored, the elder smacks his hand across Daniel’s toned arm, but it only makes him laugh harder.

_They are really close, huh?_

“There you are!” Jisung’s scream startles Jihoon from his thoughts. “Hey! Stop playing you two!”

It doesn’t seem like they are aware of being watched from afar. Daniel is still laughing heartily while clutching on Seongwoo’s long limbs like it is his lifeline. And despite sporting an annoyed frown, Seongwoo obviously can’t hide the happy twinkle inside his eyes. They sure make a beautiful picture; two equally attractive young men making heart eyes to each other. 

Huh. That's one hell of a picture and he's sure everyone is thinking the same. It makes him wonder though. If the one standing next to Daniel is himself, could he create the same beauty he sees right now?

Jihoon hides a bittersweet smile.

_Aish, what am I thinking, really?_

“Jihoon-ah,” noticing his sudden silence, Jisung moves closer to him and pokes his cheek. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t answer, or maybe he couldn’t. His eyes are still staring off the distance. There is his golden-haired hyung; laughing happily with someone that’s not him. He traces his fingers across his hurting chest before he presses them down. Jihoon bites his lip hard until he tastes blood when the pain doubles over. Why it hurts so much to see them together?

“Jihoonie?”

The sound of his raucous laugh almost melts Jihoon, making him unconsciously smile. But he catches himself in time when Daniel flashes a soft smile at Seongwoo, a smile only reserved for him and him alone.

“Are you okay?”

He watches them for a split of second before he looks away.

_Am I okay?_

Jihoon doesn’t know.

“I’m fine, Jisung-hyung.”

Jihoon forces a smile and closes his eyes, trying to wash off the remains of those rotten feelings from his head. 

No, he can’t be selfish. Daniel isn’t his—and whatever transpired between them last night is nothing. After all, his hyung looks like that he doesn’t even want to acknowledge his existence. It would be fair if he does the same, right?

_I’ll be fine._

And when the pair becomes the first to move out from their old dorm, Jihoon realizes that, in some kind of sick resentment, Daniel doesn’t spare him a glance.

(Not even once.)

  

 

 }{

 

 

“This is…” Daniel tilts his head. “Better than I expected.”

“What are you talking about?” Seongwoo nudges him hard then gives him the stink eye. “This is amazing!”

When he had first heard about their plan to move into a new dorm, Daniel didn’t put any thoughts into it. He simply deemed it as another room with bunk beds and two joint wardrobes, hopefully providing more space for them to move around. He didn’t expect much really, so what he sees right now really surprised him.

Daniel drops himself into the loveseat, closing his eyes in bliss.

Seongwoo calls this place their haven, and he can see why—it's really calming and relaxing here with the soft pastels combined with tusk colored furniture. It’s not like they can just call their new dorm a home, or maybe they _can_ , but rather than that, a nickname or a metaphor for how they feel fit the place more than anything. A haven for them is not only a place for them to hide when it gets too much. It’s also a place where they feel most safe, where they could get refuge without judging looks being thrown their way.

So really, haven is a great word to call their new dorm.

 _It can be a secret code between us too_ , he thinks with a smile.

“Now, there are three bedrooms and bathrooms. The kitchen and pantry are joined, as well as living room and dining room.” Jisung explains. “The first and second rooms each have a bunk bed and a single bed and the last room has two bunk beds and a single. We can share the bathrooms according to the room order, so it means that one bathroom for four or three people.” he pauses. “So, how should we decide the roommates? Want to do it manually, or maybe we can cast lots?”

Daniel raises his head too quickly to his liking. But the topic calls for it and he’s never been more nervous in his life than this moment. His promise with Jihoon is still fresh inside his mind, but Daniel doesn’t know if he has to follow it through.

 _Well,_ he thinks, _at least not after ignoring him all day and pretended nothing happened between them._

It’s not like he's doing it without reason. The ignoring thing, as well as the grimace and uh, the total silence everytime their eyes meet. There is _always_ a reason; Daniel is just afraid to share it with Jihoon.

_I’m really the worst._

“I want to room with Jinyoung-hyung!” Daehwi shouts excitedly, wrapping his arm around the small-faced boy. “You’d let us room together, right hyung?”

“Of course, Daehwi-ya.” Jisung smiles. “Anybody else?”

“If Daehwi and Jinyoung room together, then I want to have one with Sungwoon-hyung,” Jaehwan says from his position on the couch. “We’re the main vocals, it would be easier for us to room together.”

Hearing the logical reason forces Daniel to backtrack. If he thinks about it, they don’t fit the roles of being roommates; Jihoon and him. They aren’t close, their interests are different too. Even though Jihoon had taken the rapper part too many times, it doesn’t change the fact that he loves to sing ballad. He’ll be better off with Jinyoung or Daehwi whose underlying interest is vocal and not to mention, they’re closer in age than Daniel could ever hope to be.

(But maybe they were never meant to fit in the first place. Something like roles and expectations holds no chain over their feet, if ever.)

“Good idea, Jaehwanie.” Jisung nods in appreciation. “Anybody else has a suggestion?”

“You're the leader, hyung.” Woojin pipes out. “Just pick each of us in random order. We're going to be a team, after all. We can use some socializing.”

“Are you sure that it won't resulted in bloodbath?” Jisung says only to be rewarded with ten exact blank looks. “Okay, okay kids. I'm joking. Now, who else wants to choose their own roommate? Or should we do it randomly like suggested?”

For the umpteenth time, Daniel holds his tongue again. Would Jihoon still say yes if he knew that he’s going to get treated like shit the entire day? He imagines that he would be angry at him; cursing him even, because why would he want to room with a person who keeps on treating him like dirt?

Daniel takes a calming breath. “I—”

“I want to room with Jihoon-hyung!”

Before Daniel can finish his sentence, Guanlin already pulling Jihoon into his arms, lowkey hugging him. He’s smiling so wide that Daniel’s afraid his mouth will tear off. Something ugly begins to form in the pit of his stomach when he sees the way the maknae handles the smaller male. He for sure knows the name of this feeling, he just doesn’t want to acknowledge it just yet.

“Hyung,” if possible Guanlin’s smile becomes wider. “—you’re okay rooming with me right?”

_No, don’t say yes._

“Huh," Jihoon blinks at Guanlin, then moves his head to catch Daniel’s eyes burning holes into him. He immediately looks down, working his lips between his teeth. “Um, yeah. I guess it’s ok—”

“He’s rooming with me.”

_Shit._

Total silence. Suddenly all eyes are on him, even Jihoon’s, and honestly, it’s a bit scary. It’s an impulse, Daniel swears. The ugly feeling churning inside his stomach is the one who is responsible for his action. Because when Jihoon almost said yes to Guanlin’s plea, Daniel just lost it.

(It’s jealousy; Daniel is jealous of him.)

“Huh _?_ ” Jisung blinks his eyes at him. “Can you repeat that, Niel-ah?”

“Jihoon, I mean.” he coughs. Oh my god, this is so awkward. “We’ve already decided to be roommates. Right Jihoonie?”

Daniel turns to give Jihoon a _look_. He does feel a bit guilty though because the younger looks like he’s about to faint with how flushed he's right now.

“Yes,” Jihoon whispers, once again looking down at his feet. He’s avoiding Daniel’s stare at all cost. “Uh, I guess I forgot…”

Now, everyone except Jihoon turns to stare at Daniel strangely.

“Niel,” Minhyun raises his eyebrow. “You didn’t bully poor Jihoon to room with you, right? He looks really uncomfortable.”

“Must be Daniel being Daniel.” Sungwoon sighs. “Jihoonie, did that fool force you or something? Just be honest with hyung.”

Jihoon jumps out his skin, his pupils are shaking and blown wide. “A-Ah, of course not!” he laughs weakly while clenching and unclenching his palm. “I just, uh, think that Daniel-hyung—” he locks eyes with Daniel for three seconds, then looks away. “—was joking about it.”

_Ouch._

That… kinda hurts.

Jisung and Minhyun are looking at Jihoon as if he’d grown another head, but it only lasts for a few seconds before they begin to avert their eyes into each other, then nod.

"So, to avoid any bloodbath," Jisung says all the while staring pointedly at him, "We should do it randomly."

Daniel knows that nod means trouble.

"Now kids, let us start."

 

 

 }{

 

 

 In the end, he didn't get to be roommate with Jihoon and instead he's rooming with Seongwoo and Sungwoon instead while the younger boy was catapulted into the largest room with five other members, including Guanlin. Maybe it's karma because he'd been such a jerk to him, or maybe Jihoon had made it known that he's an asshole to avoid being roommate with him. He doesn't really know which idea he hates the most.

And yet time passes, like it always does.

Hours turn to days, days to weeks, and weeks to month. Yeah, it's been a month since they moved and they are fine. Well, as fine as they can be.

They settle down to each room and make effort to be civil with each other, but the familiarity from that night is no longer there. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they don't. And when they do, most of their talk mostly consisted of Daniel making a fool of himself but he thinks it's okay. After all the small smile Jihoon gives him after every story is definitely worth it.

But still, it doesn't mean that they're alright.

Just like right now.

"Uh," Daniel gulps down when he steps into the quiet room. "Where're the others?"

The only occupant of the room regards him with a blank stare before he returns back to his task.

"The hyungs are buying groceries," Jihoon shrugs. "Dunno about the rest."

“Oh,” Daniel opens his mouth, then closes it again several times only to blurt out; “Okay.”

He can't see him, but Daniel gets the distinct feeling that Jihoon is frowning at him. He walks toward the single bed – which is Guanlin's if he's not mistaken –  and lies there without a word. No one is talking, hell, he doesn't even sure if he's breathing right now because if there’s a word to describe their state right now, it would be awkward.

And also cold, by the way. So _cold_ that he literally feels the frost crawling up his arms as he lies spread out like a starfish on the single bed. A lone lamp in the corner keeps flickering—once, then twice, before it shines dimly over the spacious room. Daniel ignores his state of dress or lacks of – which consisted only a pair of shorts and knitted sweater – and moves to sit on the freezing floor beside the bunkbed on his right.

The bed in which Jihoon’s small form sits, his back to him.

“Jihoon,” he begins quietly. “Are you still mad at me?”

The younger boy doesn’t answer and continues with folding his clothes in silence.

_Of course he is, why do you even ask you fool._

“Hey, Jihoonie.” Seeing that he’s being ignored once again, Daniel leaves his position on the bed to approach Jihoon. He drops himself beside the younger male with a loud _oomph_ , trying so hard to get his attention on him. “Stop ignoring me.”

Still no response. It’s like he’s talking to a wall instead of a person.

_This kid really…_

“Park Jihoon.” Daniel grits his teeth in annoyance. “I’m still your hyung, if you forgot.”

“I didn’t.” The younger finally speaks. “ _You_ did.”

“What?” he blinks. “What are you talking about?”

“You—” he stares at him for a moment, maybe for five or six seconds, before he diverts his eyes from his questioning ones. “No, just forget it. It’s nothing.”

_Are those tears gathering at the corner of his eyes?_

“Hey,” Daniel’s eyes soften. “Jihoon-ah, look at me.”

He doesn’t, and instead, he pulls himself up and walks to the door. It’s obvious that he’s trying to escape from whatever transpired between them right now.

“Jihoon—” Daniel moves to restrain him, but he’s faster than he thinks. “Hey, stop it. Listen to me!”

Just a second before Jihoon’s hand touches the door, Daniel hauls him back roughly against his chest, stopping him short from turning the handle down. The older male then pushes him against the piece of wood, careful to not hurt him anywhere. And just to make sure that he can’t escape Daniel slams his hands beside Jihoon’s head, caging him completely. After making sure there isn’t a scratch adorning Jihoon’s pale skin, Daniel finally takes a look at him _._

And this time around, he is really _looking_.

The way Jihoon tries to hold back his tears by biting his quivering lips is heartbreaking, and it makes something ugly flares inside his stomach. It rolls over his tongue too, just like a bad aftertaste he can’t wash out no matter how hard he tries.

(If guilt has a flavor, perhaps it would be exactly like this; he thinks.)

“Listen—” Daniel pauses to tame his rattling heart. “I’m sorry. I’m—just, sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“Y-You—” he chokes back a cry. “You’re a jerk, hyung.”

Daniel flinches. “I know. That’s why I’m—”

“You acted like I’m invisible. Just this morning, a-and even when we’re in the car.... you were talking with everybody but—” Jihoon whispers, finally calming down a little. Even though he’s trying to keep his tears at bay, they’re still falling across his flushed cheeks in rivulets. “You didn’t even _look_ at me properly.”

Daniel curses himself when another batch of tears fall from those beautiful deer-like eyes. “I’m _sorry._ ”

“W-When I tried to talk to you, you just... disappear.” Jihoon continues, his voice keeps breaking over and over again but he doesn’t stop. “All this time I was _so_ troubled... and yet you acted like nothing h-happened.”

“I know.” Daniel croaks out. Seeing this beautiful boy crying because of him is hurting him more than he thought. “And I’m sorry.”

“It hurt when you ignored me,” he confesses. “A-And it _still_ hurts even now. Why are you being like this, hyung? One second you’re trying to avoid me at all cost but now you—y-you…” he bites his lower lip to keep him from sobbing. “Don’t play with my feeling like this.”

“I’m not—” Daniel shakes his head, sighing tiredly. “I’m really sorry, okay? Just—please let me explain everything? It’s not in my intention to hurt you. _Please_.”

“Then _explain_ ,” demands Jihoon. “Explain it to me, why are you doing this? If you want me to forget about everything, then tell me. D-Don’t ignore me. Don’t act like I don’t exist. Don’t—”

“Jih—”

“—treat me like I’m a _trash_ that doesn’t deserve your attention!” he cries out. “I’m not that strong hyung, I’m – _hmpfmh—_ ”

Jihoon jerks backward when Daniel’s smoldering lips claim his smaller ones, gliding harshly against the soft skin of his mouth like he’s trying to satisfy his hunger. The way their lips fit with each other perfectly makes Daniel’s mind blank with unbearable wants. And just like magnet, his fingers eventually find their way between Jihoon’s messy locks, tangling themselves among a sea of brunettes he is holding him in, trapping him deep into the heat which flaring red and alive.

Perhaps it's an instinct that makes Daniel doesn’t think twice to plunge his tongue in without any warning. Because he’s so desperate, he’s _so_ desperate to make Jihoon understand, but he’s also desperate to show him his _pain_. He is trying to overpower him, to make him submit, and yet he knows that Jihoon is never been one to lose. So when he feels the younger returns the heat with the same veracity, hating on the very thought of losing to him, Daniel only smiles against his lips.

Minutes pass when their lungs begin to fail, even breaths fogging up their damp skin but Daniel doesn't stop, and neither does Jihoon. It's a battle of will, he thinks. A battle which has no winner, but Daniel is willing to fight, even though he knows that there's nothing to fight anymore.

(It's a victory for two, after all.)

“You win, Jihoon-ah.” Daniel sighs, defeated. He drops his forehead onto Jihoon’s and shuts his eyes tight. “I tried, I really did. But it’s impossible for me to control it anymore. This is all your fault, Park Jihoon.”

_Why did you make me do it?_

“D-Daniel-hyung…”

_I just don’t want to hurt you._

“—all your fault.”

For the second time that day, Daniel joins their lips together.

 

 

* * *

 _we choose to love  
and be loved,  
_ _but we do not choose  
to cease loving.  
  
__because_ _in the end,_  
love conquers all things;  
let us too,  
surrender to love.

* * *

 tbc—?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is it? Good? Bad? Something missing? Lol I know Daniel seems like a jerk in this chapter, but he has his reasons so please don’t hate him too much lmao. I want to make their relationship as real as possible so I’m going to add common facts like their schedule, positions, etc. No comment about their new dorm tho, it came from my imagination alone XD. I hope you all like this chapter! Care to leave a thought or two? *wink wink*
> 
> The next chapter is about their supposed-to-be date with Guanlin tagging along lol. Remember that excuse of buying cake for celebrating the new dorm? Yeah, I’m gonna have fun writing with that idea in mind. For those who wants to see a little bit of panwink, wait for the next chapter okay~ There will be a few cute moments because I’m weak for them :) Stay tuned~
> 
> P.S: Once again, sorry for the typos and grammar!


	3. semper memento

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the rain stopped ten minutes later, so did Daniel tears. And in that moment when everything was still and quiet, he finally realized how ethereal Park Jihoon truly was.

It was raining.

He pressed his fingers against the freezing window, watching as the crystal drops pelted against the glass before they disappeared into the ground. The blanket and pillows which thrown carelessly around his body formed a makeshift bed as if they were trying to protect him from the merciless cold. Staring as the rain poured even harder, Daniel couldn’t steer his mind away from those negative comments he had been receiving for the past days.

_Why things turned out this way?_

Instead of sleeping, he was sitting outside their shared room, watching the rain in silence. It’s the only thing he could manage at the moment; a desperate kind of solution to ignore this sinking feeling nested inside his chest. Daniel knew that he should be asleep, but he couldn’t even close his eyes without seeing pictures across his mind.

_Is this the end of me?_

Daniel didn’t easily cry, but right now the only thing he wanted was to scream through his tears and break down. To tear himself apart limb by limb and stitch them together again because honestly, he couldn’t bear it anymore. It really took a thousand of compliments to build his confidence up, but only one insult to send it all crashing down.

What he did was wrong, and Daniel knew it. He acknowledged it. He accepted it.

(But it didn’t mean that he’s okay.)

“Hyung?”

Jihoon’s small, soothing voice yanked him from his thoughts. He looked up, pupils blown, only to find the younger hovering over his hunched form against the windowsill, eyebrows creasing in worry. Daniel licked his lip in nervousness.

_How could he find me here?_

“Hyung,” Jihoon called him again for the second time. “Are you okay?”

( _I’m not_ , he wanted to say. _It hurts so much and I feel like dying_ , he wanted to say. _Please save me from this hell_ , he wanted to say.)

But he couldn’t.

“I’m okay, Jihoonie,” Daniel said instead, forcing a smile. “What are you doing here? You should go back to sleep. It’s late and tomorrow we have practice.”

The silence which followed was deafening. Daniel didn’t dare to look up because he knew that he would lose it the moment their eyes meet. Jihoon had always been his weakness with his deer shaped eyes and shy smile, and that’s why it made everything even more harder for him right now.

_Just go away, please._

“Don’t lie to me,” whispered Jihoon. His voice was shaking as though he was trying to not cry. “It’s only me, hyung. I know we’re not really that close, but you can share your pain with me. We're in this together, you know.”

“Wha—What are you talking about Jihoonie.” he tried to mask his sadness with confusion instead, feigning innocence. “Hyung is fine. Just, uh, go back to sleep, okay?”

“Don’t do that,” chastised Jihoon, this time softer and a laced with melancholy. “Don’t smile at me like that. Just cry and be angry instead.”

“I’m not—” Daniel laughed weakly when his eyes started to burn. His windpipe was closing up and it’s getting harder for him to breathe. “I-I don’t…”

Daniel could feel Jihoon’s stare inside his bones, threading over his nerves and pricking onto his skin. But then Jihoon moved to kneel on the floor in front of him, forcing Daniel to hold his breath in fear.

_No, I don’t want you to see me like this._

“You’re not okay, hyung,” Jihoon whispered while looking up into his glassy eyes. “Anyone with eyes can see that.”

Something ugly began to form in the pit of his stomach. Jihoon wouldn’t _understand._ He would _never_ understand the feeling of being reduced into trash just because of one mistake. He would never understand the pain of hearing hateful things being said about him. He would never understand the frustration of not being able to sleep because he was afraid to face his nightmares. He would never understand—

“I understand, hyung.” Daniel’s eyes widened when he heard those words uttered from Jihoon's mouth. Did he say it out loud without knowing? “And because I understand, I know that you’re not okay right now.”

_How could you understand when everyone loves you so much?_

“Do you, really?” Daniel released a wet chuckle, shaking his head to clear his blurry sight. “Have you ever been hurt so bad that your whole body is aching? That every damn time you close your eyes, you can’t even stop the past from replaying over and over again? That you can’t fall asleep without thinking about how great it would be if you can go back in time and undo it all? Have you?”

(Daniel tried to hold himself together, he really did. But right now, he was too tired. He was too tired and too hurt to stop the dam from breaking all over again. His mind always had the tendency to repeat what his heart couldn’t forget after all.)

“Sometimes it hurt so much that I couldn’t even breathe properly. It felt like something was crushing my lungs, setting them on fire,” he confessed. “I got nightmares every single day. And all of them were about people pointing their fingers at me. Calling me names, cursing me, and sometimes they even told me to die, too.”

A lone tear fell from the corner of his eye. He remembered those words the most and without him knowing, he kept reciting them inside his mind until he grew numb.

“No matter how much I wanted them to stop, no matter how much I pleaded them to stop—” Daniel paused to give him a helpless smile. “—they never did.”

_Why won’t they stop?_

He bit his lower lip until it drew blood.

_Why won’t they understand?_

At that moment Jihoon chose to pull his hand inside a tight grip. Peering up to catch Daniel’s red-rimmed eyes on him, Jihoon squeezed his palms so tight until his knuckles turned white.

“I know it’s hard to see how cruel people could sometimes be, but this is the world that we choose. This world of ours is full of faults, but—” Jihoon only smiled at him. It was bittersweet, and yet it was also the most beautiful smile Daniel had ever seen. “But it’s our dream, right? You’re strong, hyung. Stronger than I’ll ever be, and that’s why I know that you’ll be okay.”

Gently, Jihoon pushed the tears away from his eyes with the tips of his finger. He was still smiling at him, but he was also crying with him.

“We’re here.” he murmured. “I am here.”

And that was the moment when Daniel finally broke down into tears.

He was crying so hard that he didn’t realize Jihoon had moved from his position on the floor to pull him into a tight embrace. His body was so small, so fragile compared to his and his short limbs couldn’t even envelope his shaking frame properly. But right now, with his feet touching the cold tiled floor and face pressed into Jihoon’s warm chest; Daniel felt so safe, so secure inside his arm.

“Don’t bottle it up and pretend that you’re okay.” Jihoon pulled his body closer and sighed to his hair. “Don’t shield your sadness with a fake smile.” he squeezed him hard. “Don’t hide from the world just because you think that crying is a weakness. It’s not, hyung. Because it’s okay to break down when it hurts too much.”

Daniel bit his lips to stop him from crying harder. But he failed as he began to sob loudly against the fabric of Jihoon’s yellow sweater.

“You’re strong, hyung. And you have us, you have me.” Jihoon patted his head softly. “Don’t ever forget that.”

When the rain stopped ten minutes later, so did Daniel tears. And at that moment when everything was still and quiet, he finally realized how ethereal Park Jihoon truly was.

(And yeah, it was the beginning of how he began to fall in love with him.)

   

 

* * *

_si vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

 **03**  
「semper memento」 

* * *

}{

 

 

Daniel sighs and rolls to his right, looking straight at the bed across him. There’s Jihoon with his messy hair and flushed cheeks, sleeping soundly while being enveloped with two layers of blanket like a burrito. After their umpteenth kisses – he didn’t keep count – and a minute of awkward staring, they just stopped acknowledging each other presence and simply retreated into their respective corner.

(Yes, very unromantic and anticlimactic, Daniel knows.)

 

Because he is currently in the middle of life crisis, Daniel doesn’t even think twice to drop himself on the floor beside Jihoon’s bed, admiring how soft and innocent the younger when he’s asleep. He watches attentively as his chest moves up and down with his shallow breathing. Even without layers of makeup and stage lights, Jihoon looks ethereal. Maybe Daniel is too biased, but he could have sworn that Jihoon is the most beautiful person he’d ever met up close.

Daniel’s eyes trail down, right into his forehead and button nose, then into his thick lashes kissing his flushed cheeks, before he stops at his peach colored lips. The skin of his lips is slightly dry and chapped because of all the biting, but it doesn’t lessen the temptation to kiss them any less.

_Stop it you fool, just look away!_

Daniel steers his vision from the tantalizing sight before he lost his composure, only to catch Jihoon eyes looking straight at him.

“Jihoon-ah…” Daniel gulps. “You’re awake.”

The younger only nods in response after staring at him for a while; eyes darting between his face and the dull wall behind him. “Hyung, what are we?”

He pauses. “What?”

“ _What_ are we?” Jihoon repeats again, licking his dry lips. “We—Friends don’t do things like we did, right? So what are we?”

Daniel stops suddenly, awareness flickering inside his eyes. He has to bit his tongue hard to keep his emotions in control, but Jihoon makes it difficult by zeroing those sharp dark orbs into his own. For sure Jihoon would want assurance from him. It’s not like they’ve been talking about this kind of topic before, but Daniel knows how sensitive this whole relationship thing for both of them.

“We can—We can be anything you want.” he finally says, throat closing up rapidly as nervousness bubbles through his windpipe. “What do you want us to be, Jihoonie?”

If Jihoon wants to stay as friends, then Daniel will do it in a heartbeat. Even though it will hurt him beyond repair, _crush_ him, even; nothing matters besides Jihoon’s happiness. And if the only thing that he needs to do is stop pursuing him, then Daniel will.

(Because in the end, all he wants is for him to be happy.)

“I don’t know,” Jihoon whispers, looking so lost, so afraid. Daniel doesn’t want to see him like this. He hates the utter helplessness he finds inside his eyes. “It is okay for me to feel like this? For us? Tell me, hyung.”

Daniel’s heart lurches when Jihoon looks at him quietly, a twin of tangerine pools fill with so much emotion, so much desperation before they disappear into a smile which doesn't reach his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Daniel sighs and wipes his face harshly. He feels so nervous, but he doesn't even know why. “God, I’m weak for your eyes. I promise we’ll talk, but not now okay? Later.”

Jihoon clenches his palm until his sharp nails hammer into the tender flesh, leaving crescents all over his skin. “When? You always say things like this. I’m tired of not knowing anything, hyung. I don’t want to—”

He stops when Daniel pushes his finger to his lips. “Shh, I promise that we’ll talk about it, alright? Just forget about it for now.”

“Fine,” Jihoon mutters harshly, turning away to glower at the wall. “But don’t you dare to put it off again. Because I swear I will—”

“Trust me, Jihoon-ah.” Daniel stops him again by ruffling the hair at the back of his head. He knows the action always calms Jihoon down for whatever reason. “We’ll talk. I promise.”

They lapse into silence, no one is talking, no one is moving; hell, Daniel’s not even sure if they are breathing, but it does feel nice to be on speaking terms with Jihoon again. Even though they haven’t resolved their feelings yet, just be able to talk to him is enough for Daniel.

“Hey, Jihoonie,” he calls him softly. “—let’s do something just between us.”

Jihoon shifts his head to look at him. “What is it?”

“'Let's buy a cake,” Daniel says, grinning wide. “And maybe a few snacks too, then, um, maybe throw a surprise party to celebrate our new dorm? I’m sure everyone will like it.”

Jihoon blinks at him, or more specifically, at the drastic change in the topic before he snaps out of it and raises his eyebrow. “…are you trying to ask me out on a date?”

Daniel blushes. “I’m not—” he sighs when Jihoon’s eyebrow climbs higher until it reaches his hairline. “Fine, you got me. Now Park Jihoon-ssi, would you like to have a date with this poor, old me?”

 

"Is this how people nowadays work on their relationship? Kiss first date later, huh?"

"What?"

"No, it's nothing."

"Well," he laughs nervously, "So, do you want to...?"

“Just ask me straight to the point, stupid hyung.” he starts to poke Daniel’s pink cheeks while giggling softly. “You sound ridiculous.”

Daniel feels his worry dissipate when he sees Jihoon smiles when he settles his eyes against his; softly; discreetly.

“Gezz this kid.” he shakes his head fondly. “Whose fault do you think it is?”

(Yeah, he thinks they will be just fine.) 

 

 

}{

 

 

“Going somewhere?” Jisung says from his position on the couch. He is currently flipping through a page of some random magazine while morning news plays in the background. “You’re being all dressed up.”

Daniel and Jihoon look at each other for a moment, before Daniel looks away first.

“A-Ah no, it’s nothing hyung.” he laughs nervously. “Where're the others?”

“Still getting ready, I think. And sleeping in for Jaehwanie’s case.” he nods. “Come here sit, hyung is lonely,” he says while tapping on the empty space beside him on the couch.

Daniel glances to his right desperately, begging the younger to come up with a smart plan to save them from further questioning. But Jihoon only frowns at him, tilting his head to a side.

 _Just tell him the truth,_ Jihoon mouths at him.

He's right.

Lying will only make him more suspicious.

“Actually, we need to go somewhere hyung.” Daniel finally drops the bomb. “It’s okay if we go out for a while right?”

That stops Jisung from his obnoxious flipping. “Huh? Where are you going?”

“Ah well,” Daniel scratches his cheek. There goes his secret plan. “Don’t tell the others, but we’re going to buy a cake and some snacks. Just a little celebration for our new dorm.”

“Who’s buying a cake?”

And at that moment, Guanlin chooses to emerge from the kitchen while munching on a piece of banana flavored granola bar. Daniel presses his palm against his face, groaning.

_Why of all people it has to be him?_

Please don’t take him wrong. Daniel loves the kid to the moon and back, but Guanlin could be _really_ annoying when it comes to Jihoon He literally worships the ground he walks on, and he adores him to the point that it becomes ridiculous. Daniel doesn’t know if the feeling is only platonic or not, but he sure hopes so. For both his sanity and patience, he prays that Guanlin would never fall in the same category as him.

“This two.” Minhyun points at the pair. “You finished already, Guanlin?”

“Yeah, hyung.” The youngest nods his head eagerly, his long legs reaching over them in a second. “So, can I go too?”

_Dammit._

“Huh?” Daniel wears the most confused look he can muster, feigning innocence. He knows that his acting is shit, but he hopes that Guanlin will take the hint and give them some quality time together. “Go where?”

“Partying in the club.” Guanlin rolls his eyes. “Of course I’m talking about joining hyungs buying cakes. What else?”

_Play stupid Daniel—no scratch that. Just be stupid for real._

“Why?” he asks, still trying to steer the youngest for ruining his plan. Why doesn’t Guanlin understand his desperation? He feels like crying right now. “You don’t have to, Guanlin-ah. The two of us is enough.”

“Jihoon-hyung is coming, right?” he says, and Daniel has to force himself to nod that his neck creaks painfully. “There is your answer hyung~”

And that’s how they’ve got him tagging along as the sacred third wheel.

  

 

}{

 

 

The ride to the café was awkward. Like, _super_ awkward. Thankfully it’s over now. Daniel couldn’t take another minute of being subjected under Gualin’scheesy pick up lines and glittery smile. Heaven forbids. Daniel is going to kill himself sooner or later if he has to sit through another of his attempt to woo Jihoon again.

Nope, no more. Daniel had enough.

After making sure their disguise is perfect, the group of three make a beeline into the small, but cozy café. Having to make their order at the receptionist table, they try to not attract much attention as possible. But alas, it looks like they’ve failed when the said receptionist is already looking like she’s trying so hard to not jump at them and squeals to their face.

Ten minutes and five seconds later, they are left with a paid bill, two cups of lukewarm coffee, and one carton of chocolate milk. Choosing to sit on the round table at the back which is hidden from plain view, they begin chatting with each other about trivial things just to fill the silence. Daniel can’t help but notice the way Guanlin keeps draping himself all over Jihoon at every chance he gets. He knows the youngest holds a soft spot over Jihoon like many of them do, but it’s getting ridiculous to the point that he wants to strangle the kid because where the hell he thinks he’s putting his hand on, huh?

“ _Ouch_ , that hurts hyung.” Guanlin glares at him, nursing his throbbing hand which had been slapped away from Jihoon’s shoulders. “What was that for?”

Daniel coughs nervously. “N-Nothing. I thought I saw a mosquito but never mind.”

The stare which Guanlin hurls at his face is mortifying, and Daniel wants to die. He's looking at him as though he’s the stupidest person that has ever graced earth and _oh my god_ , he can even hear his chastising voice inside his mind right now. _Really hyung? A mosquito? You don’t have a better excuse than that?_

The embarrassment is overwhelming. Daniel stirs his coffee and begins to think about ways to kill himself with the most painful method possible and pour his remain across the Arctic ocean.

_Oh god just take my life right now._

“Hyung, is it true that you don’t have a phone?” Guanlin randomly asks after throwing Daniel yet another flat gaze. “I heard that from Donghan-hyung by the way.”

He pauses from playing with his – now cold and half-empty – coffee and raises his eyebrow until it almost touches his hairline. What does the kid trying to do now? Is he testing him?

Daniel drinks his coffee, then nods.

Yeah, he must be testing his patience right now.

“Of course I do. I just don't use it much. Is that really uncommon?” Jihoon tilts his head to a side in confusion and Daniel has to stop himself from cooing at how adorable he's right now. “When I want to contact someone, I just email them. I don’t think using a phone is that important.”

“Nah, it’s not.” Guanlin pinches Jihoon’s cheeks in response, and Daniel has to hold himself back from delivering another slap. The youngest certainly doesn’t understand the meaning of _do not touch_ and _enough is enough_. If looks could kill then Guanlin would be dead by now. “Just stick with me always, hyung. Just in case you get lost and doesn’t have any form of communication, of course.”

At the bold suggestion, Daniel has almost coughed both his lungs out from his place beside Jihoon.

_What?_

“What are you talking about, gezz.” Jihoon shakes his head, a fond expression upon his face. “You really love it to tease your hyung, huh? Such a kid.”

“I love to tease _you_ hyung.” Guanlin says cheekily. “Because your reaction is the cutest. I really like it.”

Daniel’s right eye twitches.

_Calm down, heart. Do not move, hand. Stay still feet; I’m warning you._

“Stop teasing your hyung!” Jihoon hits his arm playfully, smiling so wide that his eyes crinkle upward. His chubby cheeks bloom in color when Guanlin unexpectedly winks at him. “Guanlin-ah!” he laughs.

_Okay, that’s it._

Jihoon screams when his opened milk carton suddenly topples over and splashes over his shirt in a long, dark streak. He panics, trying to wipe the sticky substance off but it is no avail. His bright, yellow colored shirt is completely ruined now.

“What are you doing, Jihoonie.” Daniel shakes in mock confusion when he sees the younger pouts at his half-wet shirt. If only he knows. “How could you be so careless?”

“I didn’t even do anything,” he whines at him. “It moved on its own.”

Hearing the ridiculous answer makes Daniel smile. He shrugs off his black Adidas jacket and pushes it into Jihoon’s hand. “Here, just change into mine.”

Jihoon stills like a stone, face bright red. “W-What? N—”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Daniel cuts him before he can complain and rubs the back of Jihoon’s head. As usual, it has a calming effect on him, and especially effective to soothe his nervousness down. “Now go change.”

“Aish, this is really annoying,” Jihoon grumbles for a while, but he does it anyway. “I’m going then.”

Daniel watches him walks away from their table blankly. What the hell is he doing, really? Giving his clothes to Jihoon has become a normal occurrence for him that it doesn’t even feel weird anymore. It’s just really satisficing when he sees the younger wear his clothes. Not like he's being possessive or something. Daniel is only trying to be a good hyung to his cute dongsaeng.

_Yeah, right._

When Jihoon completely disappears into the back of the café, silence falls among them. The tic-tac-tic sound of a constant ticking clock fills the tense stillness with mild beats. Sunlight blares over the sallow, swaying curtains; the smell of washed-out linens and freshly brewed coffee swarm his senses as the wind blew soothingly. Time seems frozen as their eyes capture each other, and it’s deafening, the silence, that Daniel wants to just run away because he’s supposed to say something; _anything._

But when he catches Guanlin’s bright eyes looking straight at him, his throat suddenly feels dry.

“Hyung.” Daniel almost jumps when Guanlin opens his mouth to address him. Gone was the playful twinkle inside his irises. “Can I ask you something?”

Daniel gulps when the air around them turns somber. “Yeah?”

“You lo—” The younger pauses, shifting gaze into the distance. “You like Jihoon-hyung, don’t you?”

Daniel doesn’t answer him, he doesn’t even acknowledge his question at all, but he knows that Guanlin understands his silence more than his words.

“He’s too kind for his own well-being,” Guanlin says after a moment of contemplating. His face is blank, eyes unseeing. “So please don’t take it too seriously. He could have done the same with me, you know?”

Daniel clenches his palms into fists.

_Stop talking._

“I’m actually being considerate, right now,” he says again, this time quieter. “In this kind of industry, both of you wouldn’t survive. Woojin-hyung had warned you too, right hyung?”

_Just stop it._

“For now, it’s only me, Woojin-hyung, and Jinyoung-hyung.” Guanlin murmurs. “We’re trying to keep it a secret, but you can’t hide a dead body forever.”

Daniel understands, he _really_ does. Even until now, he still remembers everything clearly like it was only yesterday. How dangerous people could be, even if only armed with words and fingers alone. How cruel the way they hurled insult after insult and put himself down without even batting an eye. He doesn’t want Jihoon to go through the same thing as him. God forbids.

Because it will break him. Jihoon will never be whole again, and the blame is all on him.

(There is a saying that it will eventually get better without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning not as upset anymore. Daniel calls bullshit. It'd taken months for him to come this way, and even now the wound is still fresh; still there. He still has trouble sleeping and sometimes when he looks in the mirror all he can see is the worn-out boy who'd never made his peace.)

No matter what it takes, Daniel swears he will protect him.

“Guanlin, just—” he begins only to pause in midsentence. He’s trying to not lose his composure, but it is so hard. So _damn_ hard. “Just stop, okay? I understand that it’s wrong for me to pursue him, but—”

“But nothing _,_ ” interjects Guanlin. “You know that I really care for you right? Both of you? I just don't want either of you hurt. _Please_."

Daniel stares at him in shock, at loss for what to say or do. He gulps then, feeling his tongue sticking into the roof of his mouth.

"Just think about it again, okay?" he flinches when Guanlin looks at him pointedly. "I’m sure you understand what I’m talking about.”

Guanlin releases a sigh and leans back into his chair, seemingly old, so, _so_ old in his younger days. Seventeen summers are his age; how could someone being so young yet old at the same time?

"I'm sorry." Daniel says.

"What for?"

He shrugs. "I just want to say it."

Daniel watches, tentatively, as the boy wipes his eyes with the back of his hand before he forces a tight smile.

 _Ah, he’s hurting too_ , Daniel thinks.

“You've done nothing wrong, hyung. Just don't make it harder for us, okay?"

"How?" he asks, because honestly he's so lost right now. "What should I do, Guanlin-ah?"

"Just don't fall in love with him,” Guanlin says, but it sounds like he’s begging to him instead. “You can’t fall in love with him, hyung. You _can’t._ ”

How could Daniel not fall in love with him? When he was left alone with no one to lean on, when he was at his weakest point, Jihoon was there. He was the only one who had witnessed him at his very worst, and he was also the one who wiped his tears away. The second he saw his beautiful eyes staring back at him, so honest, so real; reality sunk deep into his bones. It was like a harsh wakeup call upon his damaged self, and suddenly he was breathing again. He was alive again.

(Since then, Daniel has slowly fallen in love with him.)

So how could he, really? How could he just throw this feeling away when it has already taken too much space inside his heart?

“Just think about it, okay?” Guanlin whispers when he spies Jihoon exiting the restroom from his peripheral vision. “We can’t act recklessly anymore, hyung. It’s over the moment you and Jihoon-hyung become national headlines. Remember that.”

 

  

* * *

_love is a great teacher;_  
 _it teaches you to forgive and forget_  
_that nothing last forever  
and everything is temporary.  
  
__love is blind;_  
_it means that when you  
fall for someone,_  
_it’s not because of what  
you can see;  
but because of what you feel.  
  
__and love, is a warfare;_  
_because you have to sacrifice for love,_  
_and when you die,_  
you die because of love. 

* * *

tbc—? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely in Daniel’s POV. The next will be entirely in Jihoon’s POV so please brace yourself with more angsty vibes~ I tried to balance the angst with a little bit of dry humor, but I don’t think I’ve succeed lmao. And also, because this chapter is full of Nielwink and Panwink, then the next would be all about Nielwink and Ongniel~ Gonna work on the onsided feels~ Don’t kill me alright XD.  
> BTW, DID YOU SEE ALL NIELWINK/ PANWINK/ 2PARK/ BUGIWINK/ WINKDEEP/ECT MOMENTS FROM THE CONCERTS? I’M LIVING OHMYGOD TT TT TT. And also the roommates rumor?? What is this??? I’M LIVING ASDHASH *DIES* I knew that they would be subjected to another small room with bunkbeds, but at least it’s only 3/4 person per room now lmao. Alas, they’re feeding me so well, so please have this chapter as a present :) I’m just so happy that they interacted so much in the past two days. They’re really cute asgdagfafhl *imitates a dying whale*
> 
> That’s it, I should stop now before I babble more nonsense lmao. Anyway I want to say thank you for the kudos, bookmarks, and comments. Especially the comments oh my god you guys are so kind to this poor me I’m soooo touched *cries* See ya later in the next chapter~ ^^  
> P.s: Sorry for the mistakes and error everyone! And for Jihoon/Daniel’s akage fans, please stop fighting, you’re running the ship :( Have a good day~


	4. amor gignit amorem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when they are so close, Jihoon feels that sometimes Daniel slip away from him. Him with his painful memories, with the lies and the forced 'I’m okay’ every time he’s hurt. Jihoon feels so sheltered from the older’s pain, and he hates it.
> 
> (Jihoon hates the fact that Daniel doesn’t trust him enough to share his pain with him.)

It’s a little over June when raindrops begin to drip along the crossroad. Jihoon moves away from the freezing glass and turns against the windowsill. The days are bleeding through his eyes in fast motion, and his smile withers just like a bunch of bindweeds planted outside their balcony.

It’s been two weeks since their impromptu celebration party, and even though it went according to plan, something had wedged itself between his heart, making him uneasy. The feeling is suffocating, so he relents and folds himself against his blanket and thinks about happier times, brighter times; ones without the image of Daniel’s fake smile and strangled laughs until he falls asleep alone, chest heavy with emotions and eyes burning with tears.

(It’s vague, and he’s not sure if the others even notice, but Jihoon certainly knows that something is wrong with Daniel, but he doesn’t know how to fix him.)

Jihoon notices almost immediately. His change is a slow one; he becomes more subdued, more solemn. The twinkle in his eyes has disappeared, and he’s strangely quiet, his action cautious and heavy and his smile—

_Stop_ , he sighs. _It’s enough._

Funnily, Daniel doesn’t shrug him off as he’d done before. He still jokes and laughs heartily when the other members are around, but when it’s time for them to retreat into the confined space of their small moment, his mask begins to wear off.

(Just like right now.)

When he approaches him at the balcony, he’s no longer smiling, his shoulders tense and body rigid, but he turns at him, eyes soft, then plucks his hands inside his much larger ones.

"Hey there," he greets. "Why are you still awake? It's one in the morning, you know."

"Why are you?" he challenges back.

"Touche."

Jihoon drags his teeth over his bottom lip before he bites down, muting a frustrated groan. Why he's so stubborn? He thinks after all the shit they've been through the elder should have known better than hiding anything from him.

“What's wrong, hm?” Jihoon snaps back into reality when Daniel pokes his cheek. “I'm all right, Jihoon-ah. No need to worry, okay? I don’t like it when you frown.”

Jihoon stares at him for a few moments before deciding words weren’t good enough. Instead, he knits his eyebrows together and tries not to slap him in frustration. He is angry, so, _so_ angry at him because how dare he?

“Jihoon-ah,” Daniel tries again. “Say something.”

(How dare he talks to him like everything is fine when in fact _nothing_ is fine about this situation, at all.)

“I don’t like it,” he finally speaks. “When you smile like that, I don’t like it either.”

Daniel looks taken aback for a second, and he feels his anger multiplies.

_How dare you look so surprised._

“I’m sorry.” The older whispers, voice small. “I’m just—well, confused.”

“About what?” asks Jihoon, his frown returning full force. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

“I’m confused about a lot of things,” Daniel says sheepishly, his hold against Jihoon’s hands tighten. “But you don’t have to worry about me.”

_(Please don’t worry about me_ , Jihoon automatically translates in his mind.)

Jihoon sighs. Sometimes he wants to hit Daniel for his insensitiveness. How can he not see how worried Jihoon is about his wellbeing?

“Just—don’t hesitate to tell me anything, ok?” Jihoon mumbles under his breath, peeking up only to catch Daniel’s warm eyes on him. “It’s—um, well, it’s better if you talk about your feelings rather than bottling them up.” turning his head to the side, Jihoon hides his reddening cheeks. “Well, it’s just my opinion.”

Daniel blinks at him; once, twice, thrice, before a gentle smile appears on his face. Slowly, he pulls Jihoon close and circles his arms around his much smaller build. They fit together perfectly like pieces of a solved puzzle, and Jihoon relaxes into his soothing warmth.

“You’re so cute, Jihoonie,” he mumbles into his hair. “At this rate, I’m going to get diabetes. Seriously, it’s bad for my health.”

Jihoon’s cheeks flare bright, so he plants his face hard against Daniel’s toned chest to prevent the older from seeing how flustered he is right now. “What the hell, hyung? You’re saying nonsense!”

“Really?” Daniel snorts. “Who said that he’s the one in charge of cuteness, huh? If I recall the name is Par—”

“Hyung!” Jihoon pulls back and glares at him, but instead of scaring the older, it makes him smile so wide that he’s afraid his face would tear off. “S-Stop smiling like that.”

Daniel’s smile widens, his large front teeth peeking over the gap between his lips. For the second time that day, he tugs Jihoon into an embrace, nuzzling his nose into his tousled hair. The older doesn’t notice that Jihoon has gone mute from the intimate gesture, his heart beating wildly against his chest bones he’s afraid they would break open.

_Oh my god_ , Jihoon bites his bottom lip hard. _He’s too close!_

“Jihoon.” The younger stills when Daniel whispers in his ears, softly, as if he’s afraid that someone would overhear them. “If it weren’t for you, I would have been gone crazy. So thank you—just, thank you so much for being here. You don’t know how much it means to me.”

Jihoon opens his mouth only to close it again. Except for rain against the windowpane and the drumming of his heart, it's silent.

“Hyung… ” he begins, quietly, almost inaudibly. “Are you o—?”

His sentence is cut short when he feels something wet drips to the column of his neck. The sensation startles him, sending shock across his nerves and spine in waves. And that’s the moment when Jihoon chooses to look up and catch Daniel’s eyes within his line of vision.

“Daniel… hyung?” blinking up at him, Jihoon raises his hand to touch Daniel’s sunken face. Almost immediately he recoils back when the tips of his fingers burn against the skin beneath his eyes, fire searing from the flesh right into his bones. “Why…?”

Another wet patch pricks his skin. Jihoon breathes.

“Why are you crying?”

 

 

* * *

  _si vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

  **04**  
「amor gignit amorem」

* * *

}{

 

 

“We’re going to start soon, so please prepare yourself!”

Feeling terribly confused and out of place, Jihoon watches their managers hurry off when a director calls out to them. He stands there awkwardly with his members, not knowing what to do. It isn’t the first time they have their picture taken by professionals, but for the love of god, this is on another level already.

“Wow,” from his right, Woojin mutters under his breath. “This is really cool.”

Nodding inwardly, Jihoon focuses his sight on masses of people working and hurrying around the spacious hall. The studio assigned to them is so huge that it rivals that of a mini concert hall. Even the atmosphere inside is different from what they used to. Jihoon knows that there will be more of this in the future, but he’s not sure that he’ll get used to the feeling at all.

“We’re going to start with Kang Daniel!” The director shouts from afar. “Please get into position!”

Jihoon blinks at Daniel’s retreating figure before a frown makes itself known on his face. He knows that it’s not the time to feel annoyed, but he can’t help it when he accidentally catches Daniel’s eyes on him for a second. The memory from yesterday night begins to play inside his mind. Jihoon still can’t believe how oblivious the older can sometimes be.

_Stop it, don’t think about that stupid hyung._

Huffing loudly, he looks down and bites the inside of his cheek. A pout is visible on his face as he glowers at the floor, not liking the turmoil of emotions flooding in his chest.

“Whoa, Daniel-hyung looks good.”

Jihoon does a double take when he hears Jinyoung mumble under his breath. After refusing to watch the tempting sight multiple times, Jihoon finally relents to the small voice at the back of his head to give the older a little attention. Discreetly, Jihoon pins his eyes on Daniel’s tall build and almost chokes on his spit in the process.

_Whoa_ indeed.

Blood begins to make its way among his cheeks, but Jihoon is too captivated to even think about looking away.

The way Daniel models for every shot is perfect, almost as if he is made for the job. He isn’t afraid to look at the camera head-on, his sharp gaze drilling into the lenses as if he wants to swallow them in. The older moves with such grace and ease that Jihoon now knows why so many people of all ages fall into his charms.

_Who does he think he is?_ Jihoon grumbles, cheeks bright and flaming. _I want to pull his hair until he’s bald._

“Okay that’s enough!” he jumps when the director shouts again. From his peripheral vision, he sees Daniel runs to their waiting place with light steps. “Kim Jaehwan-ssi, you’re next!”

Jihoon almost breaks his neck when he turns around in hasty and pretends like he hadn’t been ogling the older for a solid ten minutes.

“Oy,” Woojin nudges him, and Jihoon screeches in response, turning around to look at him with wide eyes. “What’s wrong with you?”

Jihoon freezes for almost a minute before his mouth finally opens. “W-What are you talking about? I’m fine!” he laughs awkwardly.

“Fine my ass.” he scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Are you really that nervous to get your photo taken?”

“Well,” Jihoon smiles sheepishly. Thank god that Woojin didn’t notice his embarrassing gape from back when he was watching Daniel’s solo shot. “I guess I am a little nervous. The atmosphere is kinda scary.”

“Yeah, it’s really crazy here.” Woojin sighs, cracking his fingers one by one. “I’m nervous too, but let’s just do our best, shall we?”

“Of course.” Jihoon nods at him. “Let’s do our best!”

(Maybe he doesn’t look like it, but Jihoon can feel Daniel eyes burning into the back of his head the entire time he’s talking to Woojin.)

 

 

}{

 

 

“Kang Daniel and Park Jihoon!” the Director calls out, surprising them both. “Please come here! You two are going to shoot the next photos together.”

Jihoon literally freezes on his toes.

_What?_

“Jihoon-ah! What are you doing?” Jisung pokes him on the side and Jihoon squeals loudly. “The Director is waiting. Go!”

“A-Ah, yes!” His eyes automatically find Daniel, who is already looking at him with his usual eye-smile and bunny teeth. Jihoon blinks when he sees the older nods at him before he walks to where the Director is standing. Biting his bottom lip in nervousness, Jihoon begins to follow Daniel’s steps, though he doesn’t keep up with him and instead he walks two steps behind his longer strides.

"We’ll do only one segment with both of you." The director explains. “First, we’re going to have you stand side by side, not too close but still in contact. Try to act casual and look at each other when I give you the sign.”

Jihoon walks into the mentioned area and turns slowly to catch Daniel’s eyes, trying to gauge his emotion from those blank orbs, then glances back over at the camera, shifting slightly. With light steps, Daniel moves to press himself to his right, too close for comfort. Shuffling on his feet, Jihoon takes a discreet step away. If the point is to look casual, then he has to be as far away as possible from the older.

After a few snaps of camera shutters, the director waves his hand to catch their attention before he gives a thumb up to change their pose. They move slower this time, Jihoon turning around to face Daniel and Daniel turning his head to meet his eyes. Jihoon gulps and counts down backward from five to zero, his heart beating against his lungs like a metronome.

_Too close, he is too close!_

Lips curving into a smile, Daniel tilts his head and winks at him.

Jihoon wants to _die_.

“Hi,” Jihoon gapes at Daniel, whose face is suddenly only three inches from his. “Are you okay? Your face is flushed.”

Jihoon damn well knows that tone he’s using. The older is teasing him, testing his patience and trying to make him snap.

“I’m fine.” he grits his teeth. “Just worry about yourself hyung.”

“Still a respectful little dongsaeng, aren’t you?” Daniel’s eyes crinkle in silent laughter. “You look good, Jihoon-ah. Really good.”

Hearing that bold statement only makes Jihoon blush harder. “W-What are you saying! We’re in public!”

“Nah, it’s not like they can hear us from there.” he shrugs, grinning. “We can literally say anything, and they won’t realize as long as we’re not too loud.”

His face burns. Jihoon knows that he literally looks like a bloated lobster with an outrageous amount of blood pumping up his cheeks, he just _knows_. “Hyung!”

“What? It’s true,” he says deliberately slow, inching his face closer until their lips almost touched each other. “You want me to prove it, then?”

Jihoon jerks back in instinct, gaping wide. “You’re impossible hyung. _Impossible!”_

“Okay! That’s enough!” Jihoon almost jumped when the director suddenly calls them out. He nods twice at the picture before he turns to Daniel. “Now I want you to stand behind Jihoon-goon and put your arms around him. Just don’t choke him, okay? We don’t need that image yet.” he says jokingly.

The atmosphere between them suddenly becomes tense. Jihoon bites his bottom lip hard when Daniel makes himself quietly behind him before he settles his arms around Jihoon’s neck in loose bound. His breath hitches when his large palm accidentally brushes against his clothed collarbones.

_Oh my god._

“That’s a good pose! Keep it up!” encourages the Director. “Daniel-goon please move closer to Jihoon-goon!”

_What?_ Jihoon begins to panic inside his mind. _What do you mean closer???_

The younger squeaks when Daniel pushes himself forward until his broad chest now touching his back, all his thought screeches to a halt. Jihoon breathes out and in, trying to compose himself, but then Daniel suddenly tightens his arms around him. Feeling his warm, steady breath ghosting over his exposed neck, Jihoon shivers.

“Don’t be so nervous,” Daniel whispers into his ears, lips touching the skin of Jihoon’s lobe. If not for the rolling camera and people around them, Jihoon would have shrieked until his vocal chords shrivel up and snap. “Just ignore them and look at the camera.”

With that being said, Daniel buries his nose into the juncture of Jihoon’s neck, his hand comes up automatically to make a mess of his hair. The intimate gesture shocks Jihoon until he can’t speak nor move his body. Both of his feet root into the floor, and his palms get clammy as seconds pass.

“Jihoon-ah,” Daniel whispers while hiding half of his face behind Jihoon’s head. “Are you still mad about yesterday?”

Clenching his teeth, Jihoon flashes the camera another smile. “Stop talking. We’re in the middle of work if you forgot.”

“Don’t be mad, please?” he whispers again, one of his muscular arms reaching over to hug Jihoon’s slim waist gently. “I hate it when you refuse to talk to me.”

“What are you doing.” Jihoon hisses low. “Don’t put your hand there!”

“Why?” murmurs Daniel against his neck. “The director said to put my arms around you, but he didn’t explicitly say _where_.”

Jihoon tense up at the slight drop in his voice, cheeks burning even more than before. But it seems like the director approves whatever it is that Daniel is doing behind him, so Jihoon can only look ahead into the glaring camera lenses and prays to god for everything to end quickly.

_Please, I_ _don’t think I can take more disrespect._

“Okay that’s it!” the sounds of clapping echoes inside his ears, Jihoon sighs inwardly. “Thank you for your hard work! The next pair please!”

He finally breathes when Daniel moves away from him and tries not to feel disappointed at the sudden loss of warmth against his body.

Jihoon fails.

 

 

}{

 

 

“Jihoon-ah~ Hyung is sorry okay? Please talk to me…”

Jihoon ignores him and focuses on brushing his hair instead, the incident from last night still weighing on his mind. Not to mention the older male’s behavior towards him this afternoon was really annoying too. Jihoon just wants to forget everything for a moment and to be honest, Daniel’s presence in the room doesn’t help him at all.

_Just go away, ugh._

He can feel his blood sugar slowly rising when Daniel not so discreetly pokes him on the cheek.

_Why this hyung—_

For some stupid reason, ever since they returned from the photo shoot Daniel always followed him whenever and wherever he could, even to the bathroom. Honestly, it’s really annoying because did he _not_ understand the concept of personal space? No kidding, Jihoon was _that_ annoyed he almost slammed the door right into Daniel’s handsome face. Jihoon doesn’t know why he thinks following him around like some chick is a very good idea, but for now, he’s too angry to care.

“Are you going to ignore me for the rest of the day?” Daniel prods again, pouting. “Jihoon-ah, don’t you feel sorry for me? Come on, I was just joking!”

“What? You were _joking_?” Jihoon finally snaps. “Do you think it’s funny to joke like that?”

Daniel flinches at that, barely able to hide his discomfort from showing. “Jihoon—”

“I thought you were crying for real.” The younger says harshly, dragging a wet breath of air into his lungs. “I was so afraid that I’ve done something to upset you but then you—y-you...”

“Sorry. I’m—” Daniel pauses, his tongue darting out to lick a stripe on his upper lip. “I wasn’t thinking. I was just trying to make you smile.”

“Well you failed.” he bites out, keeping the sentence tight and cold. “I don’t like it, no scratch that, I _hate_ it so much.”

“Jihoon-ah, I’m really sorry, okay?” Daniel tugs the hem of his pajamas like a little kid when he’s about to leave the room, eyebrows upturned in a way that makes his heart clench. “I promise I won’t do it again.”

“…you promise?” Jihoon mumbles, finally meeting his eyes. How could he stay mad at the older when he’s making that face at him?

“Yes.” Daniel nods, eyes soft and begging and he touches him then; gentle and sweet and careful. “I promise.”

Jihoon’s face softens at his sincerity, his anger slowly dissipating only to be replaced by something warm. He lets out an exasperated sigh, then walks himself to where Daniel stands with even steps. When he arrives right in front of the elder, Jihoon presses his palms against his cheeks before he lifts Daniel’s face up.

“You’re an idiot hyung,” he mutters. “Just don’t do it again, okay?”

Daniel blinks at him twice before a gentle smile surfaces on his face. He kisses the top of Jihoon’s head then nuzzles his nose against his neck. “Thank you, Jihoonie.”

Jihoon hums, enjoying the rare moment between them which doesn’t consist of constant burns of heated kisses. This time around it fills with gentle touches and innocent brushes instead, and Jihoon couldn’t be more grateful. He tucks his face into the center Daniel’s chest – because he’s still too short to reach his throat – and closes his eyes.

Even when they are so close, Jihoon feels that sometimes Daniel slip away from him. Him with his painful memories, with the lies and the forced _I’m okay_ every time he’s hurt. Jihoon feels so sheltered from the older’s pain, and he _hates_ it.

(Jihoon hates the fact that Daniel doesn’t trust him enough to share his pain with him.)

In fact, until he had found out about Daniel’s breakdown back in their produce days, Jihoon thought his life must be easy compared to him. Because the older male always smiled even when it was hard to keep going; because he seemed so bright, so cheerful, like he never had any worries in his life; but now Jihoon knows better.

(Daniel looks happy when he smiles, but inside, he might as well be crying.)

“W-Were you,” he clamps up when the words come out on a stutter. Jihoon can’t make sense of anything, so he settles on the raw confusion at the tip of his tongue. “Were you really joking?”

What follows is silence. It stretches over them for a while, leaving shutters across their mouths. Jihoon watches him mutely. It feels like he has been standing here for hours when in reality only seconds had passed. Jihoon tries to keep his feet grounding to the earth, but fails the moment Daniel opens his mouth again.

“Why?” instead of answering, Daniel hurls another question at him. There is a haunted, jaded look in his eyes, wary and cold. “Why are you asking me that?”

“I—I’m…” Jihoon stops, eyes suddenly burning and chest tight. He doesn’t like the feeling at all, so he gives up, lowering his head to look at the tiled floor instead of Daniel’s dark eyes. “No, it’s… nothing. Just forget it hyung.”

 

 

}{

 

 

Jihoon wants to die.

_Seriously, just kill me right now._

They haven’t spoken to each other since that day. Words build up into misunderstanding, to regret, and suddenly there is a distance between which can’t be crossed. It’s like they are standing on the other side of an entirely different spectrum. And it’s hard, real hard to keep the longing inside his heart every time he catches Daniel’s eyes on him.

Yet there’s nothing Jihoon can do besides wallowing in despair. He needs time to arrange his emotions in check, needs time to flush all those ugly feelings down the drain. The only thing he can do now is distancing himself from everyone, especially from him. He has never tried to make peace with Daniel, and instead, he gives him space. Gives him the little moment from his prying self. Gives him the privilege to be spared from his endless questions, because it's what he wants from him, right?

But instead of making him relieved, avoiding him like this only tortures Jihoon to the point that it tires him out. The exhaustion bites at the back of his eyelids and settles there, and he gets so frustrated that it drives him crazy. So that’s why he’s here, clad only in his neon t-shirt and messy hair, trying to get himself together and greet the older after a long period of radio silence. He stands behind their shared room, feet shuffling in nervousness. But before he can take a step, he hears Daniel’s raised voice from behind the slightly ajar door.

_“Stop it, okay?”_ Jihoon blinks at the tone Daniel’s using. _“I don’t know what are you talking about.”_

_“I’m sorry, Daniel. But I can’t keep quiet anymore.”_ Another voice he knows so well begins to float inside his ear. It’s Seongwoo, he realizes. _“Tell me, why it has to be Jihoon? He is your dongsaeng for god’s sake!”_

Jihoon sucks a breath when his name is mentioned in his hushed sentence. Are they fighting because of him? Trying to keep himself unknown, Jihoon hides behind the door, watching the scene unfolds before him in total silence. He sees Daniel and Seongwoo then, they are looking at each other intensely like their lives depend on it.

_“What are you talking about?”_ Daniel hisses, his tone low and grating, unlike his usual bright self. _“Jihoon and I are friends. There’s nothing between the two of us.”_

Jihoon feels his heart constrict beneath his ribcages. He doesn't usually get emotional over the state they are currently in because he knows that even just a little, they mean something. But right now, even when he knows that Daniel probably didn’t mean anything he said, Jihoon feels a lump in his throat and suddenly it’s hard for him to breathe.

_“But I saw the two of you.”_ Seongwoo hisses back fiercely. Jihoon can’t help the wince when Seongwoo stares at Daniel with this – _this_ – expression pasted on his face. _“I saw you with my own eyes, okay? For the love of god, just be honest with me!”_

Silence rains down on the room, and he watches them boring holes at each other through the creak of the door. Jihoon lets out a shaky breath, lowering his head, focusing on his hands clasped together. His lips throb from all the biting he did from keeping the forbidden words against the wall of his mouth. Something – someone – is screaming inside his mind; banging on the still bone ruthlessly. But the pain inside his chest is ten times louder than everything.

_“Why are you so pressed about this anyway?”_ Daniel mutters under his breath after a moment of silence. _“It’s not like we’re—”_

(The pain is getting bigger now. It suffocates him, wrecking his scattered heart, tearing it part by part. He hates it when they fight because of him. He hates it so, so much.)

_“Because I love you.”_

Jihoon freezes, eyes widening in disbelief.

_What?_

_“W-What?”_ he hears Daniel gulps. _“Seongwoo… don’t joke with me.”_

_“But I’m not joking,”_ he says sharply. There’s no hesitation behind his words, no lie either. The confession is raw, rough and jagged, but it is honest. _“I would never joke about something like this, you know that.”_

Jihoon opens his mouth in shock, all at once collapsing in on himself as he slides down the door to the cold floor, eyes wide and unseeing. He just sits there for a minute or two until the shock wears off, until he stops shaking.

_Why?_

_“I love you,_ Daniel. _”_ Seongwoo whispers again, this time quieter, and desperate. _“I am in love with you.”_

Pain bursts inside his chest, right between his pressed-up lungs. It scrapes across his heart and sinks into his bones, leaving his throat dry and skin clammy. Jihoon raises his hand to meet his hurting chest and rest his palm there, his fingers cold and shaking.

_No._

Beneath his burning fingertips, Jihoon feels his heart stop beating.

 

 

* * *

_an angry lover tells himself many lies, it seems._  
_but it’s okay,_ i _think;  
it’s okay._  
_because in a world  
as temporary as this,  
the scariest thing is  
to think that  
something will last forever  
  
so _ _i_ _wonder,  
is it worth it to fall in love?_  
  
_friendship always benefits, but love;_  
_love injures instead of nourishes,_  
so which one  
should i choose?

* * *

 tbc—? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, hello? Anybody here? *krik krik*
> 
> /cries blood/
> 
> I’m sooo sorry for the late update, but university is a bitch. I couldn’t touch my laptop for days to write because of many, many assignments even though it’s only the first week of the new semester (-_-“). Anyway, here’s chapter four~ As always, its’ angsty and full of shit, so I hope you had already prepared for the endless stream of feels XD. Well, I wrote this under the influence of colas and junk foods, so please excuse my sappiness. I tried, really. But apparently, it’s not working lmao.
> 
> I wasn’t supposed to update now of all times, but because of yesterday Fourthfireshadow and peachesandwine fed me so well with new nielwink fics, I regained my strength back XD. So kudos for both of you! I can’t thank you enough TT TT TT I hope there’ll be more kind people like you who write nielwink fic because honestly, I’M STARVING :)
> 
> LAST, thank you so much for the comments/kudos/bookmarks I’m soooo happy that there are so many people who appreciate this story of mine. So thank you! And see you in the next chapter~ ^^
> 
> p.s: Sorry for any (read: many) grammar mistakes and errors inside this chapter :( I hope you enjoy this chapter! Nielwink jjang~ ^^


	5. amantes sunt amentes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> t’s confusing to say where his heart truly lies. Everything seems like monochrome frames against his eyes, but when Jihoon comes into the picture, it’s suddenly seven colors and vibrant hues. But then again, Seongwoo has the same effect on him; his presence always managed to brighten up even his darkest days. But he knows that Jihoon isn’t like Seongwoo. Seongwoo is a brother; his best friend, his partner in crime, his place to lean on. But Jihoon—
> 
> Daniel sighs.

People always ask why he smiles too much. And whenever they utter those words, Daniel will tell them the same thing, the same excuse, the same lie.

( _I love smiling_ , he says. _I just want to make everyone happy_.)

He snorts.

_What a load of bullshit._

Daniel thinks his mind is far too complex for him to comprehend. It tends to be egoistic; it tends to forget even the simplest thing. It’s like a switch without control, and every day he has to keep himself from turning over from one person to the next. There is just something twisted about himself, about his personality. One day he is fine, and one day—

He is just, _not_.

(Daniel is sick just like that.)

That's why he always smiles. To cover his ugly self, to hide the gaping wound, to make people _stay_ ; Daniel had learned to smile his brightest. He had learned how to conceal himself so no one could ever see past his perfect mask. It wasn’t an easy feat, but as the days bled through his eyes, every smile became easier. Became duller and rough at the edges, but no one noticed.

But then, that boy came into his life, bulldozing his way through every wall he’d built. And he saw through him. Maybe because he wore the same mask not too long ago. Maybe because he had been through the same thing as him, but still;

Park Jihoon had saved him, when he was too afraid to save himself.

And yet, why Jihoon didn't come when he’s screaming for help? Why does he keep avoiding him like he is a plague? Is Daniel that disgusting in his eyes that he refuses to be in the same proximity to him?

_Why?_

“Oy, get up.”

Daniel groans behind his blanket, eyelids tightly shut from stress and exhaustion. He doesn’t want to deal with this right now. God, he loves Seongwoo, but he can be annoyingly persistent sometimes.

“What is it?” he asks but doesn’t make any move to get up from his bed.

“Get up,” Seongwoo commands, pulling on the human cocoon gently. “It’s dinner time; the others are waiting.”

“Not hungry.” The male mumbles and pushes his face even further to the pillow beneath him, as if he is trying to merge himself into the material. “Tell the others to begin without me. I’ll eat later.”

“Daniel, come on.” Seongwoo sighs. “I don’t know what happened between you and Jihoon, but it’s getting ridiculous.”

Seongwoo flinches back when Daniel frowns at the mention of his name, his grip on the blanket tightens that his knuckles begin to lose their color. Something flashes across his mind, something akin to anger, and maybe a little bit of desperation.

“Just go.” Daniel groans. “I’m tired hyung. Leave me alone.”

Planting himself right beside the younger man’s hunched form, Seongwoo tugs on his hair before his fingers run across the golden locks, threading them softly. “Is it because of Jihoon? You don’t want to meet him?”

Five seconds pass in silence and still no answer. He hears Seongwoo sighs, maybe exasperated, maybe mad; Daniel doesn’t know.

“Did you fight?” asks Seongwoo, his dry amusement is evident. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

Frowning, Daniel pulls himself up and graces Seongwoo with one of his unamused glances. “It’s not like that—”

“Then what? Is there something between the two of you?” he cuts him over, impatient. “What is it?”

“Why are you like this?” his frown deepens until the last essence of warmth melts from his face, eyebrows creasing in annoyance. They are friends, best friends even, but it doesn’t mean that he needs to know every single thing about him. “Stop putting words in my mouth.” he hisses. “Jihoon is like a brother to me. Just—”

Daniel blinks when he feels the older’s breath quickens, but he doesn’t stop the barrage of words from surging out, or maybe he can’t.

“—like—”

Something heavy settles in his heart when he sees the way Seongwoo’s face turns chalk white.

_—you._

“Fine!” Seongwoo cuts him off before he could finish his sentence. He looks like he’s about to empty his stomach all over the floor. “If you want to starve yourself to death _then_ be my guest! Just don’t go crying to me when your stomach starts acting up.”

Daniel bites his bottom lip hard when Seongwoo practically spat the words. Normally his harsh words shouldn’t have been a problem, after all they joke around too much to take anything seriously. Both of them are close enough to be considered as real brothers; always fought over the silliest thing and yet never failed to make up in the end. It’s the part of their dynamic, he thinks, and Daniel wouldn’t have it any other way. That is why Seongwoo’s behavior right now really confuses him.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asks. “You’re acting weird.”

Seongwoo freezes, and slowly, as if in a trance, he touches Daniel’s neck, his fingers following the line of his throat down his chest until they stop at where his heart located.

“You,” begins Seongwoo. “—love him, don’t you?”

His voice sends chills through Daniel’s body. His blood runs cold, his throat closing in and out. “How many times I should tell you?” he mutters under his breath. “No, I don’t.”

Seongwoo smiles bitterly. “ _Liar._ ”

“I’m not lying,” he says coldly.

“So you're always honest," Seongwoo mocks, and he finds something dark and dangerous lurking behind his usually warm eyes. Daniel feels his fingers leave his chest only to press against his chin, lifting it up.

Daniel locks their eyes together in some kind of challenge. "Aren't you?"

"No," Seongwoo tells him, bitter and forward. He drops his hand, and he looks so _l_ ost, so defeated. "I'm not."

"Well, that's good to know.” Daniel muses. “I guess."

Seongwoo is silent before he opens his mouth again. “So which one are you?” His words are frighteningly cold, and they plummet right into his heart. “ _A liar_?”

"I'm not saying I'm a liar," Daniel denies, raising his eyebrows high. "But I’m not honest either. That's not how I meant it, anyway."

"How'd you mean it, then?" asks Seongwoo. “Tell me, Daniel.”

Daniel licks his lips. "People just... I just—Well, I don't always say what I feel."

"Why not?"

"Because the truth sometimes hurts."

Seongwoo freezes for a second or two, before a crooked smile breaks across his face.

"Yeah." he chuckles weakly. "So do lies, though.”

Daniel frowns, his voice hardens just like his eyes. “Seongwoo-hyung.”

“No—just, stop lying to me, okay?” Seongwoo cuts him off. “I’m tired of being lied to. Aren’t we friends? Best friends, even? Why are you like this?”

“Stop it, okay?” Daniel groans. “I don’t know what are you talking about.”

“I’m sorry, Daniel. But I can’t keep quiet anymore,” he whispers, each word a heavy, conscious effort. “Tell me, why it has to be Jihoon? He is your dongsaeng for god’s sake!”

“What are you talking about?” Daniel hisses, his tone flat and grating, unlike his usual bright self. “Jihoon and I are friends. There’s nothing between the two of us.”

“But I saw the two of you.” Seongwoo hisses back fiercely, staring at Daniel with this – _this_ – expression pasted on his face. “I saw you with my own eyes, okay? For the love of god, just be honest with me!”

Silence rains down on the room. Daniel tries not to hear the echoes of fear ricocheting off the hardening walls of his heart. He tries not to get lost in himself, in the terrifying realization that in this one moment, the thought of ruining what they have built for the past months is torturing him more than anything.

But besides the fear, besides the utterly conflicting feeling of wanting to tell him the truth; there is anger lurking somewhere inside his heart.

“Why are you so pressed about this anyway?” Daniel mutters under his breath after a minute of silence, shifting his eyes to the dull wall instead. “It’s not like we’re—”

“Because I love you.”

Daniel freezes, eyes widening in disbelief. The confession is swift and profound and downright _excruciating_ , and Daniel feels overwhelmed by it. He knows what love is, at least theoretically. The world doesn’t seem to forget to declare the word in every nook and corner, but it doesn’t mean that he understands it just yet.

_No, that’s not it._

What he just doesn’t understand is why of all people, Seongwoo chooses to fall in love with _him_.

“Wha—” Daniel tries to speak, but his voice cracks and the words die in his throat. “Seongwoo… don’t joke with me.”

“But I’m not joking,” he says sharply. There’s no hesitation behind his words, no lie either. The confession is raw, rough and jagged, but it is honest. “I would never joke about something like this; you _know_ that.”

Turning around, he finally takes a look at him but regrets his decision a second later.

_Why?_

“I love you,” Seongwoo whispers again, this time quieter, and desperate. “I am in love with you.”

Daniel’s silence answers nothing.

 

 

* * *

_si_ _vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

**05**  
「amantes sunt amentes」

* * *

}{

 

 

It’s raining again.

Jihoon leans forward, breathing softly against the freezing glass window. His hair mats against his forehead; dull mahogany sweeping past his pale ivory skin in soft waves. He is still before he sighs, pressing his trembling palm upon his heart; counting one-two-three.

(It has been beating the wrong way for hours now. Ever since he found them behind that door, he couldn’t breathe properly.)

_Love, huh?_

He wants to slap himself for feeling like this. He should never – _ever_ – because it’s not his place to feel. And yet, he can’t help it.

Jihoon thinks he hates him.

(He hates his sweet, always cheerful, kind-hearted Seongwoo. A precious hyung who smiled at him, who prayed for him, who stayed behind and held his hand and told him _don’t cry, everything is going to be okay, please smile—_ )

He hates the fact that Seongwoo is better than him. Hates that he always managed to make everyone laugh. Hates the way he worries about things; worrying about the group, worrying about their future; worrying about him. And perhaps, he hates his smile too. And his kindness. And his… everything.

(Jihoon is the worst, isn’t he?)

Seongwoo is too perfect for him. Perfect smile, perfect laugh, perfect eyes. He knows how their story would end. He just, knows.

_How could I win anyway?_

“Jihoon, hey—” he winces when someone gently taps him on the shoulder. “Are you sick? You look pale.”

Jihoon blinks, his vision blurring for a while before it focuses on a pair of worried eyes. Then he sees Woojin, and suddenly a pang of disappointment runs past him when he realizes that he is not the person he yearns for, but Jihoon soon regrets it, cursing his selfishness all the way through.

(He really is the worst.)

“Jihoon?”

He blinks again, schooling his face to remain straight. “Um, yes? What is it?”

_No, I shouldn’t be like this._

“Ah, it’s nothing. You—” Woojin pauses in midsentence, eyebrows furrowing. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, Woojin,” says Jihoon. “Just tired because of the endless schedules.”

“No,” he denies him, frowning. “I don’t think so.”

For a long, long time, Jihoon is silent and unmoving, before the thick, solid block of his perseverance melts into water; leaving him all wide and vulnerable.

“Yeah,” he takes a shuddering breath into his empty lungs, trying so hard to wet the wall of his throat with every gulp. “I guess I’m not.”

“Why?”

Clamping his lips tight, Jihoon drops his eyes to the floor. He has no word to say, no white lies to make up either. Jihoon is stuck within his misery, thinking about how he’s not ready, not brave enough, to face anyone head-on with nothing but his own heart and bones. But this _Woojin_.

(Jihoon doesn’t want to ruin anything. He’d ruined enough. This team is his life now, and he would do anything to protect it, even from himself.)

“Why, Jihoon?” he prods again, this time gentler, and something inside Jihoon breaks. “You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

He looks up, and suddenly Woojin eyes are on him. Jihoon doesn’t know what to make of that queer remorse reflected inside his orbs, but he supposes that while waiting for him to open up, he'd been so troubled, so distressed. Woojin is the closest to him in this insanely mismatched group, and in some sense, maybe he even regards him as his own flesh and blood, as a brother.

_Woojin would understand, right?_

"Because I love him," Jihoon utters those word quietly like it has just dawned on him for a moment. “Woojin-ah… I think I love Daniel-hyung.”

Woojin doesn’t look like he is surprised, and instead, he shrugs his shoulder off and points his index finger at him. "You're an idiot," he says. "It's hard not to notice."

"Really?" Jihoon blinks. "I thought I hid it well."

“I know everything.” Woojin shifts his eyes away. “That night, I saw the two of you.”

Jihoon widens his eyes in shock. “Woojin… why—?”

“Why I didn't say anything?” cutting him off, the younger glares at him. “Why do you think?”

Jihoon licks his lips. “I’m—”

“—not sorry.” continues Woojin. “Don’t feel sorry for something you have no control of.”

Shaking his head furiously, Jihoon wrings his fingers into fists, his hands trembling with emotions. “But the team—”

“ _Fuck_ the team.” Woojin spits harshly. “I don’t know about the others, but _fuck_ the team. Your happiness matters to me, we… before we are teammates, we were - and still are - friends, right? And I… _I_ would have rooted for you since the beginning,” he takes a shuddering breath. “I would have become that friend who gives you advice and beats the hell out of your suitor but—”

He stops to look at him properly.

“Do you know that your eyes are too expressive?” he smiles sadly at him. “I can see it clearly. Your eyes did a good job at telling people how you feel better than your body and _dammit_ Jihoon, I can see the love every time you look at him.”

Jihoon bites his lower lip. “Woojin…”

“But do you know,” he takes a calming breath. “Do you know what I see in Daniel-hyung’s eyes?”

He pauses, his fierce expression turns somber.

“ _Nothing_ ,” he whispers. “I see nothing, Jihoon.”

 

 

}{

 

 

Their schedule for today is to practice for the last concert, and it means that he is going to meet the others eliminated trainees for the next three days. The idea supposed to make him smile because he gets to see many that he missed, and gets to talk to them again like old times. But now, when he is currently dancing to _Oh Little Girl_ while waiting for the rest of Slate team to arrive, the only thing he can feel is frustration at its best.

Because one hour into dance practice, Daniel’s gaze is still on him.

It has been going on ever since they accidentally met in their ways to the studio. Jihoon thoroughly ignored him, of course. And even now, he pretends not to notice the anxious looks Daniel is throwing his way every few seconds, or how the older has suddenly turned quiet, his usual exuberance whittled away by unease.

Because it’s easier.

Ignoring him is easier than to confront him about anything, especially about last night. It’s easier, because Woojin’s words are still ringing in his ears, never to be forgotten.

_Nothing, huh?_

Jihoon shakes his head.

_Just forget about it already you idiot._

In turn, he focuses all his attention on the choreography, twisting and bending his body to move the way he wants to. But sadly it doesn’t, and it makes him so frustrated that he forces his body to move even faster, sharper, until he feels his joints pulse and snap under the pressure.

_No, this isn’t right._

He tries again for the second time, but still no avail. Every flick of his body doesn’t fit the song at all; his turn becomes a second too late or his spin unbalanced. He knows the other must notice this, so it comes as no surprise that he sees Guanlin make his way to him, his expression grim.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Guanlin asks with a frown. Lines of worry smear across his face like freckles and Jihoon doesn’t know what to feel when he sees such a pitiful sight.

“I’m fine, Guanlin-ah.” he whispers, shunning away as if the stare burned him. “Stop worrying, hm?”

“But you look pale, hyung.” The younger boy tells him, and though his smile is comforting, worry does not leave his eyes. “I don’t think you’re okay. You should rest, let me tell the—”

“No! Don’t!” Before he can even take a step, Jihoon stops him by curling his fingers around his wrist. “I’m fine Guanlin-ah! Please don’t make a scene!”

The younger stops and gives him a smile; a bittersweet kind of smile that he hates so much, before he clasps his digits gently between his smaller ones, as though he’s giving him support, a reassurance. Jihoon smiles at his subtle kindness and squeezes his hand back in return, giving him a wordless thank you.

“Hyung, just this once, can’t you rely on me? Even just a bit?” Guanlin mutters quietly. “I hate seeing you like this. It’s been two weeks, and I’m not blind hyung. Just, please be honest with me?”

Jihoon is still for a moment before he sighs and pulls Guanlin’s long digits to curl his own in between; relenting. “Hey, don’t make such a face.”

“I’m trying so hard, hyung.” his voice wavers for a second. “But when you’re not smiling with me how could I keep pretending, huh? You... you're like a brother to me, you know? I care about you.”

“I’m… Guanlin-ah—I, uh,” Jihoon chokes on his own words, feeling suffocated and cold and so, so empty. There is a mountain of answers trapped behind his throat, and yet—

And yet, his voice wouldn’t come out.

_Why?_

“I care about you hyung,” he repeats as if he can read his mind. “Your happiness matters to me, and it’ll always matter.”

“But…” he pauses. “I’m okay.”

“ _Hyung_ ,” begs Guanlin.

“Nothing is wrong.” Jihoon gulps down, and the words cling to the back of his throat like a prayer. His heart is aching, but he cannot do anything to soothe the pain away because it feels like his but at the same time, it is not. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“Please,” Guanlin says again; so desperate, so defeated. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Jihoon smiles; he smiles because that’s the only thing that he knows, he smiles because if he doesn’t, he will cry instead.

_I’m sorry._

“I’m fine.”

The words roll off his tongue smoothly like oil on water. But this time, Jihoon doesn’t know if he is trying to convince the younger, or maybe himself.

 

 

}{

 

 

Daniel bites his bottom lip in worry and watches Jihoon from afar with mixed feelings. He's not supposed to be in here of all place because obviously, he’s not the member of the infamous Slate team. But he couldn’t resist the temptation of seeing the younger again. That’s why after his team finished their practice an hour ago, Daniel unconsciously made his way into this studio, hoping to get a glimpse of him, even only a little.

But when he does, Daniel can’t help but regret ever coming here.

_Why are you like this, Jihoon-ah?_

The younger is standing on shaky legs, his back flat against the mirrored wall, and it’s unnerving to see him look so helpless, so defeated. Daniel watches as his face crease in frustration as he tries to move along the rhythm again like he once had managed so effortlessly. But it seems like he’s stuck in his own misery; his body keeps turning and pivoting at the wrong angle that it throws the balance into shambles.

“Stop him.” Daniel hears Seongwoo before he sees him. He sees Guanlin and the rest of his team lounging near the door too. “Just stop him before he collapses. I can’t bear looking at him anymore.”

He turns then, eyeing Seongwoo subtly with a look that crosses between wonder and shame. Even after their arrangement to keep everything between themselves, Daniel still has no courage to go back into the way they were before. It’s just too surreal, and not to mention Jihoon’s state is taking too much space both in his heart and mind.

Maybe it sounds selfish of him, but Daniel couldn’t afford to think about Seongwoo when Jihoon is on the verge of breaking.

“I don’t think that he will listen to me.” he finally speaks, his voice small and uncertain. “We’re… not in a good term.”

“I noticed.” Seongwoo snorts. “It’s been two weeks, though. I can’t believe you haven’t tried to talk to him yet.”

That clamps him up. Daniel shifts his eyes around only to find Guanlin and Jihoon talking in a hushed voice. He tries to jam the jealousy down but fails the moment he sees Jihoon pulling Guanlin’s hand into his. Daniel knows he should stop now, but it is hard to keep his sanity intact when it feels like someone is hammering nails into the back of his head.

_How could you touch him that easily but refuse to talk to me?_

“Daniel, stop staring like that, you're too obvious.” beside him, Seongwoo shakes his head. “You look like you’re trying to kill him with the sheer power of your eyes.”

“Sorry.” he winces when he realizes how stupid his action sounded. “Just—I’m not in my right mind.”

“Hey, I don’t want to bring it up but—” he pauses, eyes lukewarm and soft and yet, there is a slight hesitation behind them “Is it getting worse because of me? Does Jihoon know about last night?”

“No.” The rebuke tasted sour in his mouth, but he forces a half smile. “Don’t worry about that. It’s purely my fault.”

“Oh.” The line of Seongwoo’s lips flattens and then coils upwards in a quick attempt to mend his slip. Daniel doesn’t know whether the older is relieved or disappointed because he seems to be like both to him. “That’s… great?”

This time Daniel doesn’t say anything in response and chooses to focus his sight on Jihoon again. He is alone right now, no Guanlin in sight. For the umpteenth time, he begins to dance again as if nothing happened. But not even a minute later, Jihoon suddenly loses his balance, his feet shaking under his weight, body tipping backward.

Daniel feels his heart skidding to a stop.

_No._

And then, Jihoon begins to fall.

The next ten seconds is a blur; Daniel runs with all his might that his movement seems like a mere blink of an eye. Wringing his arms open, he catches Jihoon’s lightweight and automatically circles his hands around him, cushioning his fall. He drops onto the floor with chasing breath, eyes wide open in shock and sudden adrenaline. Daniel sits there for a minute or two, waiting until the hysteria inside his bloodstreams wears off. 

_“JIHOON!”_

The sound of someone screaming is the one who breached the silence. Whipping his head, he finds the others swarming around the two of them, face pinched with worry and slight fear. He suddenly remembers that they aren’t the only one in the room.

“Jihoon-ah are you okay?!”

“What happened?!”

“Oh my goodness look at him, he looks so pale and he’s sweating bullets!”

“Did he faint? God, what should we do?!”

Daniel winces when their words suddenly increase in both number and frequency, the continuous ringing in his ears makes him feel sick in the stomach.

“Move out the way!” Their manager tears the human barricade with one sweep of his hand and drops himself to plant his palm against Jihoon’s forehead. “He’s burning up.” he frowns in worry. “What should we do now? There’s no way that he can continue.”

“Please let him rest hyungnim. He hasn’t been well for the past days.” Jinyoung says. “The rest of us will continue practice as scheduled. Jihoon can join us as soon as he feels better.”

Murmurs of arrangement echoes. Daniel breathes out and in, trying to diminish the tension from his body. Taking a calming breath, Daniel adjusts the younger’s position to fit him gently, so he won’t hurt his neck.

“Fine then.” The manager sighs. “Daniel, can you get him to the van? We’ll drive him back to the dorm. And maybe you should stay with him too; you finished already right?”

“Yes hyungnim.” Daniel nods stiffly.

“Good.” he taps his shoulder and stands up. “Come on, let’s get going.”

Pulling Jihoon’s weight into him, Daniel lifts him up, holding his much smaller body snugly inside his arms in a princess-like cradle. Gently, he moves his head to rest at the nook of his neck, feeling his warmth flicking across his skin almost immediately. Following their manager’s hurried steps, Daniel begins to walks with jittery legs and tries not to make eye contact with anyone. He turns his attention to Jihoon, and feels his heart clench at the image.

_Fuck, he looks awful._

Forcing a bile down his throat, Daniel takes one last look at the rest of his teammates only for his eyes to collide with Seongwoo’s.

_Take care of him_ , he mouths.

He manages a small smile and nods at him, tilting his head in silent agreement.

_I will._

 

 

}{

 

 

Daniel sighs against the window, his warm breath fogging up the glass with silvery white frost. His slender fingers touch the transparent surface as his eyes are wandering outside into the starlit sky, its light bathes the dark with lustrous fluorescent glow. The sound of turning wheels is a constant drumming white noise, and Daniel finds himself tucking his chin above Jihoon’s head, nodding off to sleep.

Ten minutes have passed since they stuck in red light, something about fallen trees, bad weather, and a blocked road drifting here and there in soft echo. Daniel shakes the exhaustion from his shoulders and rests his eyes on Jihoon’s slumbering form, his lips unconsciously forming a tiny smile.

Brushing Jihoon’s hair from his face, Daniel suddenly remembers his promise to Seongwoo to take care of the younger. Even when he’s holding Jihoon in his arms, Seongwoo didn’t say a thing. He just smiled at him even though he looked like he was about to be sick. It makes something inside him clench painfully. The idea of being the cause of the older’s pain doesn’t sit well with him.

Daniel wasn’t made of wisdom and brilliance, but he should have seen it, should have realized it since long time ago. But he had ignored the fact, maybe purposely. He had been blind to the moon and stars Seongwoo held in his eyes when he was looking at him. Had been blind to his soft touches upon his skin and his fond, doting smiles. Had been blind to every declaration of love and instead, he pinned after Jihoon like a lost, little puppy.

(He didn’t know a thing, then. But it doesn’t make him less guilty.)

It’s confusing to say where his heart truly lies. Everything seems like monochrome frames against his eyes, but when Jihoon comes into the picture, it’s suddenly seven colors and vibrant hues. But then again, Seongwoo has the same effect on him; his presence always managed to brighten up even his darkest days. But he knows that Jihoon isn’t like Seongwoo. Seongwoo is a brother; his best friend, his partner in crime, his place to lean on. But Jihoon—

Daniel sighs.

In the beginning, Jihoon was a brother too, and at some point, he stayed as only brother. But then came the time when he wasn’t.

(Not a brother, but something, much, much more than that.)

For a boy who never let anyone close before, Daniel had brought him in, unconsciously letting him resided in his heart until he is completely rooted deep in his bones. He had unknowingly craved his presence, in constant need of his pretty smile, and his heart always itching to touch him more than he liked to admit.

Daniel knows that he loves Jihoon, but he doesn’t know if he is _allowed_ to love him.

To be honest, Daniel admires Seongwoo for his bravery. Love is a strong word after all, and it will stick onto every inch of their skin forever. The older must be aware of it when he confessed to him last night, but he still went with his confession without even an ounce of doubt. So really, Daniel admires his bravery but fears his judgment instead.

In this world as twisted as theirs, love isn’t that easy to pronounce. Even when he knows that he loves Jihoon with all his heart, he thinks the chance of him saying those three little words is scarce. Not because he doesn’t want to, but rather because he is not ready yet to deal with the consequences.

Because to declare his love for Jihoon is different from loving the younger. When he says the words, everything will change, whether for good or worse. And Daniel doesn’t want that, doesn’t want anything between them to change. It is a twisted mindset, and he knows it, but for him, this is the only way to keep them from crossing the line, from ruining anything apart, because he’d ruined enough.

(He doesn’t want to ruin anything again. Especially not Jihoon.)

“Hmh…”

Daniel blinks at the intrusion only to see Jihoon’s fluttering eyes. His heart does a somersault, the confine of his ribcage isn’t enough to keep it from beating hard against his chest.

“Hey,” he murmurs, tapping his cheek lightly to stir him awake. “How do you feel?”

Jihoon doesn’t answer him and instead, he buries his face deeper into Daniel’s neck, his lips resting on the patch of skin beneath his ears. Suppressing a shudder, Daniel tears his eyes away from the compromising sight, afraid that he would fall into the dark temptation and have his way with him. Jihoon’s presence always has that undesirable effect on his body, and he hates it.

“Niel-hyung?” he hears Jihoon mumbles against his neck. “I’m so tired… why I am so tired?”

“Huh?” Daniel’s breath hitches when his hot breath lights his skin on fire. “What did you say?”

“...m'tired… like 'eally tired an' it hurts to open m'eyes and every-thin' is, um, burnin'—like… like, uh,”

Jihoon begins to babble incoherently like a child, and the cute picture without fail forces a smile to appear on Daniel’s tired face.

“…like when we kiss'ed.”

_Wait, what?_

Daniel does a double take, his mouth hangs open in shock, and he looks thoroughly scandalized down to the core. He blushes furiously when the image suddenly appears on his mind and begins to recite words inwardly to shoo the offending thoughts away. But the image is already burned into the back of his eyes. There is no way for him to unsee it anymore.

He groans.

“Hyung, why your cheeks ssso 'ed?” Jihoon pokes his flushed cheek, and Daniel’s right eye twitches at the innocent remark. “They… look like… peaches? Uh m'hungry...”

“…you hungry?” Daniel asks lamely. “Uh, I’ll feed you later in the dorm.”

_Wait, what?_

He cups his face with his free hand and tries not to scream. Jihoon is messing with his head too much, certainly. His sentence sounded so wrong on so many levels that he wants to laugh right now, but sadly Daniel knows it’s not the time.

“I mean,” he clears his throat. “I’ll give you food later, don’t worry.”

“Ok… but I still want, uh, my peaches,” mumbles Jihoon again, still half-awake. “…or, or you, uh, can I eat you instead? You look like, a huma' sized peach. Tas-ty.”

Daniel crashes his forehead against the window and for the second time, tries not to scream. The younger wants to eat _him_ , because he looks like _peach_ ; or at least that's what Daniel catches among the mouthful of nonsense.

_What are you talking about Jihoon-ah???_

He curses his tendency to turn anything remotely innocent about Jihoon into something raunchy and out of context, but then shakes his head and starts blaming it all to the boy inside his arms. Jihoon tends to bring out the obscene edge in his otherwise calm and collected demeanor, after all.

“Uh, why so quiet…” Jihoon is still poking his check by the time Daniel is calm enough to think straight. “Whattabou' my peaches?”

“We don’t have peaches, Jihoon-ah.” he tells him, gritting his teeth. “What about banana, hm? We have a load of bananas back in the dorm.”

_Wait, what?_

Daniel pauses to consider his words.

_Ohmygod_ _gets that head of yours out of the gutter._

“Don’t wanna…” Jihoon scuffs his face into Daniel’s neck, pouting. “Can I eat you then? There're no peaches after all…”

That, is the moment when his soul finally leaves his body. Daniel pauses in his breakdown to give him a disapproving frown. He loves Jihoon with all his heart, but truthfully he has enough of his non-filtered mouth and doesn’t think he can last even a minute more of his sleep-talking. Also, it is a huge relief that Jihoon’s voice is too small to be heard by their manager from the driver seat. If not, Daniel doesn’t know what is going to happen to them.

“I promise I’ll give you peaches later, but now you have to close your eyes.” he tries to lull him to sleep. “I’ll take care of you.”

“You will?” he mumbles sleepily. “Okay… I’ll go, uh, sleep now, thank you hyungnim...”

Jihoon lies back into Daniel’s chest and closes his eyes, his voice withering into a trail of whispers. Daniel releases his breath and pokes his cheek once, then twice. Jihoon doesn't wake up. He just lies there, face flushed with fever and mouth parted a little. Smiling like a lovesick idiot, Daniel kisses Jihoon’s forehead and plops his chin back into the top of his head. His heart swells with something big and suffocating, but the feeling isn’t unwelcome. On the contrary, he thinks he likes the feeling.

“Your welcome, Jihoonie.”

 

* * *

 

_which one was heavier?  
which one took  
the most strength  
to carry  
around?  
lying to yourself,   
or to the people  
around  
you?  
  
_ _tell_ _me the truth_  
when you're sober,  
okay?

* * *

 

tbc—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. THIS. /SCREAMS/ I’m sooo tired… University had no chill and my entire body was screaming at me to stop writing and sleep instead. And also eat, yeah. My batagor was dying the entire time I ignored it in favor of writing TT TT TT
> 
> Anyway this is chapter fifth~ Frankly, both of them are still oblivious as hell. No, that’s not the word. They’re just in denial about the whole thing, so please be patient with them :) THIS IS WHAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU KISSED FIRST AND TALK LATER. Don’t do it ever fam, it’s bad for health, seriously XD.
> 
> Well, I don’t know what to say… just, thank you so much for all the supports until now. /weeps/ I can’t believe it seriously, you guys are the best :) Thank you for the comments/kudos/bookmarks~ Nielwink is growing fast these days I’m so happy. Now it won’t be that lonely if I leave once in the while~ Kudos to all the nielwink fanfic writers out there ilysm >3
> 
> Uh. I don’t think you really need this but, here’s a token of apology for the angsty chapter. Like, seriously, this chapter burned my soul away. So please have this lil fanart to brighten up your day! I told myself to retire from the world of fanarts but I couldn’t resist this beautiful pair :) Please forgive me for the mess, it’s been a long time since I touched my tablet so my hands were stiff as a board… /cries anime tears/
> 
> P.s: I’m sorry for any (read: many) grammatical errors! I’ll try to correct it as soon as possible~ See you in the next chapter! ^^


	6. temet nosce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Remember when I tried to bring home that bunch of pretty colored sand back when we were shooting our album cover two weeks ago?” he pauses. “I never succeeded. Because they kept on disappearing over the gaps between my fingers no matter how hard I tried to squeeze my palms close.”
> 
> No.
> 
> “They were so beautiful… and because they were beautiful, it’s hard to keep them forever inside my palms—just like you, hyung.” he chuckles, eyes fluttering close against his cheekbones. “Even though I tried to keep holding on, you always slip away from my grasp.”

Daniel swings the door in front of him open with his elbow before he steps inside, Jihoon’s unconscious body still propped against his arms and chest. After kicking it back halfheartedly, he walks into the direction of his room and doesn’t bother to check if the door shuts behind him.

He holds the younger closer and wonders why they didn’t drive him to the nearest hospital as soon as he felt that his fever was worsening. It’s not an understatement that Daniel feels extremely worried about Jihoon’s state. If he was burning before, Jihoon is practically aflame now, his skin breathing white-hot fire through his pores. Thinking about how warm the younger feels right now makes him walk even faster he has almost dropped Jihoon and busted his head against the door.

After putting Jihoon’s shivering figure on his bed and bundles him up under a dozen of blankets, Daniel hurries off into the kitchen. He sorts through the medicines cabinet with skillful hands, searching for that box of aspirin Jisung had stacked a week ago, and maybe a few cough drops because Jihoon has been having a coughing fit ever since they arrived ten minutes ago. He also grabs a bowl of cold water and his big thermos, balancing them on his thick arms.

Daniel runs back into their room, forcing his feet to move as fast as they could take him. As he carries his steps nigh, he imagines Jihoon’s deathlike state and feels his chest throbs in pain. The younger by no doubt looks like he’s in a lot of pain. His body is unnaturally warm, the skin of his face, especially his cheekbones is burning red, and his breathing, _god_ his breathing sounds like he’s choking on the air that Daniel is afraid that he would suffocate.

But before his thoughts run wild, the sound of Jihoon’s harsh cough startles him.

“H-hyung?” he croaks out, blinking up at him with his cloudy eyes. He looks so confused, so out of place, and the redness of his skin makes it even noticeable. “I—Why is everything b-burnin'?”

“Oh god, Jihoonie.” Daniel drops everything he carried onto the bed across Jihoon’s bed and moves towards the younger. “Are you okay?”

“I’m not.” Jihoon whines. “Why there’s two of you, hyung? And it’s too bright! Please turn off the lamp…”

Daniel flinches, his hand automatically lands itself across Jihoon’s forehead, feeling his unnaturally warm skin pulsing through his flesh. Jihoon must be so out of it that he doesn’t notice the darkness of their room. Besides the weak, lackluster glow which filters in from the slightly opened door, there is no apparent light source inside their shared room.

“The lamp is off, Jihoonie.” Daniel runs his hand across the younger's slightly damp hair, hoping that the touch can soothe his pain a little. “Come on, you need to eat your medicine.”

“I don’t wanna—” Jihoon curls in tighter when another cough tears off his mouth, shivering beneath the blankets. He peeks over at Daniel, looking exactly like that of a mistreated puppy. “—eat a-anythin'. My throa' hurts.”

“That’s why you need medicine.” Daniel reprimands him. “You want to get better, right?”

There is silence. Jihoon pushes against the mattress with wobbly arms and leverages himself into a semi-sitting position. Afraid that Jihoon would accidentally hurt his back, Daniel grabs a pillow and stuffs it behind his back, his palm staying between his lower back and hip. Daniel takes a look at him then, and this time, he looks carefully. Something has changed in the way he brings himself up, but Daniel doesn’t know exactly _what_.

“I don’t…” he murmurs. “Medicine… don’t wanna.”

Daniel raises his brow when he notices the slight hitch in his breathing, but decides to not mull over it too much. His first priority is Jihoon’s recovery after all. “Jihoon-ah, just eat your medicine, alright? I promise you’ll get better soon.”

“No… I don’t wanna.” Jihoon mutters, his voice soft and airy. Something vulnerable and open flickers in his deer eyes before the blank exterior covers it again. “If I get better, you'll leave again, right? I don’t want that… don’t want you to dis-appear.”

_What?_

The moment Daniel hears his words, the previously relaxed lines of his shoulders seize up, and he stills completely.

“Hyung is always, always seem so far away.” he continues quietly. “Even when we are this close… even when I, uh, can feel your warmth… som'times you slip away fro' me.”

Jihoon stops to give him a half smile.

“Remember when, uh, I tried to brin' home that bunch of pretty colored san' back when... when we 'ere shooting our album cover two weeks ago?” he pauses. “I, uh, I never succeeded. 'Cause they kept on disappearing over the gaps between my fingers no matter... n'matter how hard I tried to sque-eze my palms close.”

_No_.

“They were s-so beautiful… and 'cause they were beautiful, it’s hard to keep 'em forever inside my palms—just like, uh, you, hyung.” he chuckles, eyes fluttering close against his cheekbones. “Even though I try to keep holdin' on, you always... slip away from my grasp.”

Daniel bites his lower lip hard and thinks about how vulnerable the younger looks right now. His heart is thumping like it wants to jump from his ribcage as he watches Jihoon tug a blanket up to his neck, staring straight up towards the wall behind him, his eyes looking glazed over and unfocused.

_Jihoon-ah…_

That’s when Daniel realizes that Jihoon is positively sick; very, _very_ sick. The usual Jihoon wouldn’t have blurted out his feeling as openly as he’s right now. He would have bottled it up until the last of his conscience withers out and leaves him bare and open.

(But it doesn’t make his confession hurt any less.)

Daniel feels like shit right now, even when he knows that Jihoon probably didn’t mean anything and would forget everything he’d said by morning. But when Daniel is about to apologize, Jihoon’s next sentence renders him still.

“I want my peaches.” Jihoon suddenly exclaims as if he wasn’t just blurting out something sensitive a few minutes ago. “Can I have 'em now?”

Daniel’s hand drops limply from Jihoon’s back, a curious ringing noise in his ears whitening out the younger’s previous words.

_What the hell?_

“I want my peaches. Lots of them.” Jihoon whines again. “You promised. Give me my peaches.”

Jihoon’s voice is anything but soft and gentle. No, his voice sounds like someone was scratching his throat bare and left it mangled beyond repair. But despite the increasing volume of terror, Daniel can only blink his eyes repeatedly, his mind skidding to a full stop.

_What did he say again?_

**_Chomp!_ **

Daniel lets out a manly shriek and bounces back until he falls to the floor, hands flying to nurse his throbbing and slightly wet cheek in fright.

_What the hell has just happened?_

Daniel looks up only to find Jihoon’s hovering over the edge of his bed with this adorably confused expression on his face. The younger then moves to sit on the floor and begins eyeing Daniel with some kind of strange curiosity.

“You promised,” he says again, nodding to himself. “So it’s okay.”

Three seconds pass and Jihoon begins to approach Daniel, crawling on all fours while watching him with his glazed eyes. Instinctively, Daniel pushes his feet against the tiled floor, so his body is catapulted backward, giving some space between their otherwise close proximity. They keep repeating the same thing all over again until Daniel’s back finally touches the wall behind him.

_Shit_.

Jihoon grins.

“Caugh' you.”

Daniel blanches. _No fucking way._

“W-Wait, Jihoon-ah—” he stammers when Jihoon settles himself on his lap, looking thoroughly debauched with his messy hair and flushed skin. “Uh, you should, uhm, move back a little?”

It doesn’t seem like Jihoon can even hear him when he moves forward to attach his mouth to Daniel’s flushed cheek, clamping his teeth hard against the flesh. Daniel lets out another shriek – this time louder – at the sudden exposure of pain. He then starts tugging on Jihoon’s shoulders passive aggressively until he releases his cheek.

“What the hell, Jihoonie?” Daniel exclaims in shock. “Why did you d—”

His question is cut short when Jihoon makes a gagging sound and drops into Daniel’s chest, squashing all the air from his lungs in one eye-watering rush.

“Hyung,” Jihoon groans. “You taste yucky.”

Then, he passes out.

 

 

* * *

_si_ _vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

**06**  
「temet nosce」

* * *

}{

 

 

Daniel turns to his right, eyes pinning themselves over Jihoon’s pale, but still beautiful face. Pursing his lips into a tight line, Daniel admires the way sliver of moonlight from the curtained window falls across Jihoon’s nose and highlights the slope of his cheeks and pretty face. The younger has been still as a corpse ever since he passed out an hour ago. Daniel was about to piggyback him right into the nearest hospital barefooted if he didn’t notice that his fever had miraculously gone down by itself, leaving only a bubble of warmth surging beneath his flushed skin.

(The entire situation is preposterous and downright impossible, but at least Daniel can breathe in relief now Jihoon’s out from immediate danger. He can’t help but think if his swift recovery has something to do with the younger biting him, though.)

His mind begins to wander again. Daniel’s certain that Jihoon would likely wake up pissed to find Daniel looming after him, probably sends him a few of murderous glares and hisses some threats until the older moves. But a small part of Daniel can’t help but wish that he would; if that means that he can see his beautiful orbs fill with life again.

(Daniel is willing to sacrifice his cheek to be bitten again despite the unimaginable pain he has to endure. As ridiculous as it sounds, Daniel would let the younger bites him no matter how many times if that means Jihoon would heal. That’s how desperate he is right now.)

“Jihoon-ah,” he mutters softly, poking on the marshmallow-like texture of his cheek. “Open your eyes, please.”

As if his prayer was heard by the god above, Jihoon’s eyelashes begin to flutter open slowly.

Daniel widens his eyes.

_Seriously?_

“Jihoon-ah? Do you hear me?” he pats Jihoon’s chubby cheek gently. “Are you awake?”

There is no answer. Jihoon is still blinking to adjust his sight, before he turns to look at Daniel, eyes slightly unfocused and solemn. They flutter slowly like they are trying to kiss the tips of his cheeks, but then they spring open again as if the mere thought of sleeping is taboo for him.

“Hey,” Daniel brushes his hair from his eyes. “Don’t sleep again, you need to take your medicine.”

“What happened?” Jihoon blinks, mumbling softly. “My head hurts.”

“You fainted,” he says, gentle and soft. “Our managers drove us to the dorm.”

“Oh.”  Jihoon murmurs quietly in response, burying his face deep into Daniel’s chest, seeking warmth. Or hiding. Jihoon has always been prone to hiding, he thinks. “I’m sorry.”

“Don't." Daniel thins his lips into a tight line, harsh streak across his jaws. "It’s not your fault, you know?"

“I am, though." Jihoon presses his ear near the place where his heart hung, feeling his chest rumbling in harmony following the rhythm of his short breath. “Everyone must be worried, huh?”

“You bet.” he smiles fondly. “Are you feeling okay, Jihoonie?” Daniel touches his chin, lifting it up so he can catch his concerned eyes. “Please tell me if anything hurt, okay?”

Nodding absentmindedly, Jihoon closes his eyes and rests his head on the middle of his chest. Daniel feels a smile tug at his lips momentarily, bubbles of satisfaction filling him whole. He doesn’t realize how much Jihoon’s presence could calm him, the sight of the younger is enough reason to pull a soft sigh from his lips. Not wanting to break the silence, he pulls the warm body in his arms closer, inching up to bury his head deep into the smooth nook of flesh on Jihoon’s neck. He knows that he should have let the younger go by now and feed him his medicines, but he can’t suppress the longing anymore.

After not having touched the younger for so long, the feeling of skin against skin is luxurious. It’s a wonder that Daniel had been able to keep his sanity through the entire week without once snapping. Especially since it had been a bunch of noisy friends that he had to deal with the entire time Jihoon ignored his existence.

But his happiness is cut short when Jihoon hauls himself away as if being in the same proximity to his burns.

_Ah, of course._

Sighing, Daniel scoots over to sit at the end of the bed. “Looks like you’re back from la-la land.” he grins weakly. “I know you’re mad at me, but please let me take care of you. You look miserable, Jihoon-ah.”

“I can take care of myself.” Jihoon shifts his eyes, refusing to meet his unreadable ones. “It’s just a cold. Go away from my sight.”

It amuses him how quick he can change from that clingy boy he knows so well into this petulant child in mere seconds. Daniel chuckles softly, because his little dongsaeng looks very cute when he is lying, moreover, when he is lying to him. Fever really does wonder to his personality.

“Sure.” he grins. “But do you really want me to go, hm? The others haven’t finished practice yet. They won’t be back until midnight.”

Daniel hides a smirk when he sees a frown pulling at the corner of Jihoon’s mouth. He knows that the younger hates to be alone.

“I’m—” he pauses, peeking his eyes at him multiple times before he looks down again into his stretched palms. “F-Fine. You can stay.”

Chuckling quietly to himself, Daniel drops onto the space beside him and flicks his forehead affectionally. “You’re sick, okay? Stop being cute.”

“I’m not cute.” Jihoon hisses at him like an affronted kitten, his slanted eyes narrow into slits. Honestly, the act only makes him even cuter. “Stop saying stupid things.”

“Cute,” he remarks, grinning. Daniel loves cats, but he thinks Jihoon is way more adorable. “Now wait here, I’m going to bring your medicines.”

He stops when Jihoon grabs his wrist tight. “No, I don’t want medicines.”

Shaking his head fondly, Daniel crouches down so he can look up into Jihoon’s flushed face. Even when he has gotten some of his sense back, Jihoon still sticks to his previous demand. Daniel decides it wouldn’t hurt to humor him a little. Jihoon is sick anyway, he probably won’t remember anything by the time he’s cured. “So what do you want, hm?”

Instead of answering, Jihoon narrows his eyebrows instead, thinking hard. Daniel can hear the gears of his mind turning rapidly right now.

“…kiss.”

Pausing, Daniel turns to give the younger a confused look.

_Am I hearing things?_

“A kiss,” Jihoon mumbles again, but this time louder. “I want a kiss from you.”

Daniel widens his eyes.

_What?_

“You want me to kiss you?" he blinks.

"Why? Is it weird that I want a kiss from you?" he mutters and tilts his head, peering through his eyelashes. "Is not like we haven’t kissed before."

Jihoon bites his lower lip, and Daniel’s eyes automatically trail on them. Between Jihoon’s soft breathing and his own silence, all he can hear is the sound of his heart breaking into a run. Daniel feels all sort of tingling and jittery, and it’s excruciating to keep himself still, but he knows that he needs to keep his composure.

_Why are you suddenly like this?_

"Yeah." Daniel breathes low when the younger bites deeper into the flesh. Daniel can't help but wonder if Jihoon's heart is beating as fast as his, or if he’s feeling anything akin to the hot fire of desire that had settled in his belly. "I guess that’s true."

“So? What are you waiting for?” Jihoon tilts his head. “Kiss me, hyung.”

"I…." he pauses for a moment, searching for the right words, but finds nothing. His mind is blank. "Jihoon, we shouldn’t—"

His sentence is left hanging between them when Jihoon lets out a strangled laugh.

“You don’t want to, huh?” he chuckles bitterly. “What? Are you disgusted by the idea of kissing you dongsaeng? Not really up to your standard, huh?”

“What are you—no, Jihoon.” Daniel is startled, denial wind-sharp in the palpability of his surprise. “You’re not in your right mind.”

“I don’t care! Just fucking kiss me!” Jihoon snaps at him, his flushed face getting redder by seconds and he’s looking at Daniel, but at the same time, he isn’t. His eyes are cloudy and unfocused.

_Ah, he’s definitely still out of it._

“Jihoon,” Daniel sighs. “You’re sick, okay? List—”

“What? You still don’t want to?” he frowns. “Fine! I’ll do it instead!”

Daniel widens his eyes.

_—wait, what?_

Before he could even blink, Jihoon drops his weight into him until he lies spread out on the bed. The younger male repositions himself, legs straddling his hips, arms forming a cage around his head, before bending down to press his lips to Daniel’s slightly parted ones. It’s a quick brush, their lips barely meeting before he pulls back and sits on his stomach.

“That’s—” Jihoon huffs. “That’s not bad, right?”

His question drifts unanswered when Daniel hauls him back to connect their lips for the second time.

_You shouldn’t have done that._

Maybe it’s an instinct to haul Jihoon back until their lips collide, or maybe it’s the longing inside his heart that undermines every logic which forces him to stop and succumb into his conscience. Daniel swallows down Jihoon’s surprised gasp and plunges his tongue inside his warm cavern, seeking that taste he misses so much. For a moment, Daniel thinks maybe Jihoon’s going to get angry at his impertinence, but before he can ponder about it further, the younger has already yanked the collar of his hoodie and covers his mouth with his in a hungry kiss.

At first, the kiss is impatient and wild, just tongue meeting tongue and the heat which burns them whole, but then it turns into something stagnant, their touch becomes less rampant and more pliable; almost feathery. Daniel grasps Jihoon’s shoulders, and strokes his arms down to his elbows, simultaneously maneuvering every hitched breath and strangled moans which fall across his lips.

When he feels the younger trying to move away, Daniel unconsciously deepens their kiss while his fingers crawl further along the smoothness of Jihoon’s skin, mapping every curve and slope. But then Jihoon bites his tongue hard until the skin breaks, and suddenly rust blooms across Daniel’s taste buds, forcing him to break their kiss and drops himself back into the mattress.

Blinking up at Jihoon, Daniel resists the urge to press their lips again. The kiss was nothing but innocent; a minute was it, but it felt like forever. Jihoon has been as soft as he remembers if a little dry. And his taste is still the same; heavy rain and a little bit of peach that he loves so much.

_No, get a grip, Kang Daniel. You can’t be like this._

He pulls himself up and knocks his forehead onto Jihoon’s gently, dark chocolate eyes locking into his darker ones and arms circling around his petite waist. Suddenly Daniel feels something burning inside him; a feeling he doesn’t know he’s capable of feeling.

_What did you do to me, Park Jihoon?_

“That,” Daniel breathes, his mind and heart in chaos. “That… feels good?”

_You’re too dangerous._

Jihoon’s reaction is immediate. Jumping back, the younger collapses onto his side, rolling to the very edge of the bed, as far away from Daniel as possible. He watches as the younger touches his lips in wonder as if he couldn’t believe what he’d done. Shutting his eyes, Daniel slows his breathing and rattling heart. His dark eyes roam wildly into every nook and cranny in the room before they settle into Jihoon’s.

“Jihoon,” begins Daniel. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” Jihoon mutters. Right now, he looks so lost, so confused about his own behavior. “I just—you—”

“It’s okay,” Daniel reassures him gently. “You didn’t know what you’re doing. Just forget it ever happened, hm?”

Jihoon snaps his head at the suggestion, his pretty eyes suddenly burn bright. It makes him look strikingly beautiful, but heartsick at the same time. “There’s no way I can do that!” he cries out in frustration. “It’s not that easy—How could I… why are you saying such a cruel thing?”

Silence comes in between, tearing down his defenseless walls and resolution alike, and he welcomes it with open arms. Daniel lets it linger, the silence, welcoming each second along with stuttering heart. The heavy feeling in his chest and the biting cold, he welcomes them too.

(Because what else he can do besides to back down and accept everything?)

_I hurt you again, didn’t I?_

“Jihoon,” he whispers. “I—I’m just… sorry.”

_I hate to hurt you, but what can I do?_

The younger doesn’t say a thing, there is a faraway look in his eyes, like he’s seeing something Daniel can’t see, and it scares him.

“Hyung, I’m tired,” Jihoon says; so honest, so innocent. “Aren’t you tired, hyung?”

“Huh?”

“Of this—” he straightens out, gesturing wildly. “—thing between us? Aren’t you tired of it?”

Daniel blinks at the unexpected question. “Jihoon-ah…”

“We kissed, multiple times. We flirted around and always sought each other presence and yet—” Jihoon stops, “ _Yet,_ we’re not lovers. We’re not even friends because friends don’t do things like we did. So what are we exactly?”

His words plummet right into his heart. Daniel balls his palms into a fist, nails gouging deep into his flesh and leave crescents all over the skin. Those begging eyes of his are still fresh and young to be called a memory, and the sound of his desperate; _what are we_ is all too familiar.

“What are we, hyung?” he whispers. “I need to know which pedestal you put me on. But you always said the same thing. Always trying to run away and pretend that nothing was wrong. Always leaving me behind to suffer alone.”

Daniel’s heart stops when he catches his pretty eyes on him. Still no tears, but he can imagine those crystal drops fall across his face in rivulets five seconds from now.

“And even those words…” Jihoon trails off, “Ah.. what is this. How could I just noticed now.”

(His smile, his tears, and his – _it is okay for me to feel like this? for us?_ – is still echoing inside his mind.)

“I love you,” whispers Jihoon. “We… we never said those words, huh?”

(His heartbeat skids into a stop.)

_Jihoon-ah…_

The question still drifts unanswered when Jihoon speaks again, the tone of resignation replaced by raw desperation. “Tell me, Daniel—” he drops the honorific behind his name and looks up, his eyes haunting. “Do you love me?”

Daniel locks their eyes together, lips thinning into a line and eyes darkening into midnight black. There is a storm inside his orbs; a raging war, perhaps, and he is silent, not even a word escapes the line of his teeth. Daniel licks his lips, swallows thickly, and with it is his answer.

The way Jihoon looks at him is truly heartbreaking. Daniel lets his vision fall into his outstretched palms, avoiding looking into those jaded eyes. His chest suddenly feels tight, his chest throbbing and eyes burning, so he asks himself; what stops him from answering?

_Why I can’t tell him the truth?_

At that moment, Daniel realizes that it’s fear lodged at the corner of his heart. It’s fear that stops him from opening his mouth. And it’s also fear, that he sees clouding Jihoon’s eyes when he forces himself to raise his head. So Daniel watches; he watches Jihoon crumbles under his stare, and he feels his heart shatters into pieces.

_Why are you looking at me like that?_

"Of course," Jihoon whispers and bites his bottom lip, his voice breaks like a thousand glass. He begins to laugh then, the lurid sound rattling his throat until he sounds like crying instead. “Should’ve known… there’s no way—" he chokes a scathing laugh, gulping down a sob from coming through. “Ah, this is r-ridiculous.”

Daniel pulls his hand tight, afraid of letting go. He could have sworn that he saw disappointment and hurt swimming inside his eyes. He wants to say something, he’s so desperate to make him understand, but his voice won’t come out.

"Don’t touch me!" Jihoon yanks his hand away to rub his burning eyes, tremor rocking his body in waves. "I understand, you don't have to explain anything.”

_No, please don’t cry._

The taste of desperation now turns bitter across his tongue. Daniel finds out that he doesn’t like the taste at all.

_Please don’t cry because of me._

“Hyung, let’s end this.”

Daniel freezes.

“Whatever it is, let’s just put it to an end.” Jihoon leans forward to lock their eyes together before he whispers. The skin around his eyes is burnish red, but his gaze is firm and heavy. “Please spare me from the pain, I don’t think I can take it anymore.”

The breathd across his skin is warm and inviting, but instead of happiness that he feels, there is a throbbing pain blooming inside his chest when he whispers those words like a prayer.

“You will let me go, right?” he says again. “Daniel—”

_No._

There is a pause, and Daniel looks up only to find Jihoon smiling at him; a smile that is so familiar, and also painful at the same time.

“Shall we say goodbye?”

 

 

* * *

_and this  
is goodbye, goodbye._  
_let us say  
our  
farewell,   
you and me;_  
_we weren’t_  
meant  
to be.

* * *

 

tbc— 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m finally back from the grave thanks to Nielwink feeding me well today (and also ongwink and panwink and 2park ohmygod I’m living asdhasjdhajsd *dies*). I know I’m very, very late but yeah, I was super busy and tired, so I couldn’t even move from my bed for a whole day. I’m beat, seriously xd. But anyway, this is chapter 6! How’s the pain? Still not enough? Don’t worry I’ll give you more in the next chapter! /smirks/ Lmao kidding. Just prepare yourself for the feels~
> 
> Because I feel bad (again), please have this half-assed sketch I did today because of the sudden blast of Nielwink moments. I sketched a total 4 pages, and it’s sooo messy and disorganized, so I just added the texts and attached the first page. Maybe I will post the other in the future once I cleared the mess, but no promises. I have no social media and I’m still debating about making that twitter account. Balancing fanfics and fanarts could be very stressing especially to an inconsistent person like me lmao.
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading! AND WHAT THE HELL?! I didn’t know that this fic has breached 300+ comments and kudos! And even the bookmarks… I’m so touched thank you TT TT). 
> 
> I’ll make sure to update the next chapter faster before I’ll get even busier, and also update my nielwink vampire!AU too (finally). There is also another nielwink request from Machidahiyori (singledad!Daniel and College student!Jihoon AU) that I’m currently working on which is going to be a long ass oneshot like tacenda. Hopefully I will post in two/three weeks top so please anticipate it a lot~
> 
> P.s: Sorry for any (read: many) grammatical errors in this story! I’ll try better to fix it next time.  
> P.s.s: It’s okay to comment in your mother’s language~ I understand English (obviously), Bahasa (my mother’s language), and lil bit of Japanese. But like I said, the other languages are fine~ Gotrans exists after all >3


	7. sine amor, nihil est vita

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Jihoon completely disappears from his sight, Daniel feels so empty. Like a chunk of himself has been plucked out forcibly from its place. 
> 
> (Maybe it’s something that comes with being part of someone else; when they leave they take a part of you with them too.)

They say that human can only fall in love once because to be in love and loving are two different things altogether.

Daniel thinks he understands that, even only a little. Because in some case, people can love someone with everything they have, but not fall in love with them. But when they do fall in love, they have to keep it strong and afloat. First love is always sacred because after that love disappears, they can’t fall in love anymore.

>   _Jihoon pressed his trembling lips together and smiled at him; a bittersweet smile that he loves and hates at the same time._ _“Hyung, I think you are my first love_. _”_

No, that’s not true.

>   _“But,”_ _his voice wavered, “I’m not yours, right?”_

They can fall in love again, but it will not be the same as the first time. Further still, he'd learned that even the littlest thing will taste different. Every touch becomes sandpaper oh his skin, the warmth gets colder, and when they kiss, there will be no more butterflies and fireworks.

>   _“Daniel—”_

It will be only them, and nothing.

>   _Jihoon breathed, and it sounded like he was about to break down and cry._ _“Say something.”_

Therefore, he doesn’t want his relationship with Jihoon to become like that; to become something so painful and bitter. But Daniel knows that it is too late. He has already fallen too deep to even think about giving up right now. Because there is no turning back for him, not anymore.

>   _"You won’t say anything, huh? I understand now.”_ _He smiled so painfully, and Daniel could taste his tears in the air._ “ _We’re just not mean to be together_. _”_

And Daniel truly hates it. Hates the fact that he has ruined the last chance to be whole again. He hates it the way only he can, but there’s nothing he can do about it besides waiting, hoping—

> _With a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, Jihoon whispered to his ears. “In another universe or the next, I hope that you can finally love me—”_

But it is not enough. And it will never be enough. There is no in between, and he is torn over whether to accept it as a whole or to make his own interpretation. Because his perspective and the world can’t seem to reconnect.

> _—the way that I love you_. _”_

Not after he fell in love for the second time in his life.

 

 

* * *

_si_ _vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

**07**  
「sine amor, nihil est vita」

* * *

 }{

 

 

It’s been days, and by the time they are scheduled to have rehearsal for the last concert, Jihoon has long since reached the point of acceptance.

(Because Daniel’s silence answered nothing. He didn’t even try to say something; _anything_. He just sat there, eyes blank and unseeing, body completely still unlike the chaos plaguing his mind. So Jihoon took it with a grain of salt and moved on with life even though his silence left gaping wounds all over his skin.)

The younger male has started avoiding Daniel and Seongwoo ever since he’d recovered from his fever, making it his life mission to prevent any potential friction with both. It’s very logical and understandable of him to keep his distance, but maybe his decision to switch seat with Woojin everytime they accidentally sat together is a little bit overboard.

(But Jihoon doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t want to see him again because when he sees him, there’s no longer butterflies and fireworks inside his stomach, only that bitter longing that he can’t seem to wash off.)

When Jihoon had done it the first time, the entire car becomes silent; shell-shocked. Half of them then turns to pin Daniel with a look of confusion, as if staring at his blank face can answer all their question. But Daniel doesn’t give any reaction, he keeps looking out the window in silence and not once he looks at anyone.

The others have been trying to tone down the tension between the three of them with funny remarks and silly actions, but it’s no avail. It’s like whatever happened between them is irreparable, and maybe it is.

Maybe it is, maybe it’s not. Jihoon doesn’t know what to do, his mind is a scattered mess, and he is so tired to act like nothing happened at all.

(He is just so tired of sticking his feet at the same place all over again. Because Jihoon wants his time to start moving forward, to start ticking again and bring him that closure he needs.)

_I need to do this, right?_

Jihoon breathes in, then out.

_Right._

With heavy steps, he drags along himself into the direction of the bedroom to grab his new smartphone. Guanlin had offered him a company, but Jihoon refused him with a forced smile and told him to wait for him instead. The night is approaching fast, and they have to work twice as hard to prepare the last rehearsal, and the last thing he can do right now is to ruin their much-needed practice. Jihoon is not that selfish—no, he can’t afford to be selfish.

(He refuses to be selfish.)

“Jihoon.”

The younger freezes, eyes darting around in dimmed light. Dread crawls over his skin when Jisung suddenly appears in his peripheral vision. There is a frown on his face, and Jihoon knows that it means trouble.

_Why of all person, it has to be you?_

“Hyung.” Jihoon greets him amiably, barely batting his eyelashes at the conflict lurking behind of Jisung’s eyes. “You need something?”

“No. I’m just—well, curious about something.” he begins carefully, “Is there something bothering you lately? Something you want to tell me about?”

The younger stills for a moment then breaks out into a tight smile. “No, hyungnim.”

“Did Daniel and Seongwoo give you a hard time?” Frowning even deeper, Jisung levels their eyes together and tries to gouge any emotion inside his blank orbs. “Is that why you’re being like this?”

Silence washes over them. Jihoon gulps hard, forcing out the bitter taste from his tongue down his throat. “It’s nothing hyung. There is no need to worry.”

“I really hate it to reprimand you, but you know that it’s not the time to get distracted, right? The last concert is only in days and tomorrow we’re going to rehearse with the all the trainees.” The older grips his shoulder as gently as possible. “I want you to focus, Jihoon. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes hyungnim,” he says stiffly. “I’ll try better next time.”

“Stop that, I’m not scolding you.” Jisung sighs and retracts his hands away only to plant them against Jihoon’s chubby cheeks. “We’re really worried about the three of you. But most of all, we are worried about you, Jihoon. So please, if there anything you want to tell me, don’t hesitate, okay?”

“Y-Yes hyung.” Jihoon croaks out, voice slightly shaking with tremor. Jisung’s touch upon his skin is so warm; just like a mother. “I’m really sorry.”

“God, don’t look like that.” Jisung groans and pulls the younger into his arms, cradling him closer in warmth like a child. “Hyung is sorry, okay? Just don’t get distracted again. We don’t want you to get hurt, you hear me?”

Because he doesn’t trust his voice, Jihoon only nods his head. His chest feels really tight right now.

“Hyung…” he calls him after a moment. “Can we just throw away our feelings?”

Jisung blinks at him. “Huh?”

“The feelings inside my chest, they, uh…” he squints into the floral pattern of Jisung’s ratty shirt, trying so hard to search for the right words. “They _hurt_ me. I don’t like the tightness. It’s suffocating.”

A pause, and then;

“Do you think it’s okay to just throw them away?”

Jihoon widens his eyes.

“Don’t you feel it, Jihoon-ah?” Jisung presses his palm against his chest, smiling. “Every single one of them is precious. Even though it hurts, you can’t just throw them away.”

“Then,” Jihoon bites down his lower lip. “Then what should I do?”

Jisung’s eyes soften. “That’s not my right to answer. Just believe in yourself, alright?”

 

 

 

 

}{

 

 

It's one of those nights where nothing feels real, where everything is just the right side of off-kilter to set his entire body on alerts.

Everyone has gone to sleep, and the lingering silence is too loud in his ears. So, Daniel drags himself into the balcony and sits on its cold floor with his knees up to his chest and his face to his thighs while he tries to figure out how to breathe again.

_Why I’m so pathetic?_

Daniel sighs, drawing his feet closer. The wind is getting stronger, a breeze shivers its way down the collar of his maroon hoodie. Daniel hates cold the most, but he strangely likes the way it slithers across his skin, caressing the bones underneath until he’s numb.

For a summer night, it's pretty cold here, gooseflesh breaks out all over his arms until the hairs on his skin stand up all at once. Fall is just around the corner, the last concerts, and their debut only days away; both a blessing and a curse. Daniel can't count the number of nights they've sat up together drinking hot chocolate after one practice and another, basking in the afterglow of dancing their fear away among the dimmed light and fogged up mirrors of the deserted studio. He feels drained, and his situation with Jihoon only makes everything worse.

_Stop thinking about him, you fool._

Daniel has no clear recollection of when they had last spoken. He knows it had been soon after Jihoon’d gone into his room, but even before that; right after their last conversations when he had been sick, they barely found things to say to each other. But Daniel had taken it in stride, reminded himself that Jihoon deserved some space, deserved time to think about it all over again but—

_But_ , it didn’t mean that it hurt less. If it’s possible, his plain avoidance hurt him ten times worse than his silence. Not only that, the way he ignored him in favor to spend more time with Guanlin also hurt him beyond doubt. Daniel had never known that a mere picture of Jihoon smiling with another person could hurt him this much, but then again it’s Jihoon.

(There's no winning when he’s in the equation, and Daniel should really have learned his lesson by now.)

Taking a breath, he buries his face into the valley of his knees. The sound of turning wheels in the distance is a constant drumming white noise. Everything around him is silent and still, and he finds himself nodding off to sleep.

But then, before he can close his eyes, the glass door behind him opens with a quiet hiss.

“Ah, it’s you.”

Daniel literally freezes for a second or two, before he shifts his head and catches a figure standing at the door. He is only a silhouette, standing in the warped back glow of the glass doorway while holding a ceramic mug. His face is swallowed in shadow, and the only shifting light is the glow of his eyes; stardust and galaxies bursting out in black and white between his irises.

Gulping down, Daniel forces his jaw to thaw into a tired smile. “Hey,”

They fall silent after that, only a breath or two are exchanged between them. But Daniel thinks it’s okay. Breathing together like this is easiest because it breaks through his longing no matter how long they've been apart. Daniel misses Jihoon’s presence in his life so much. Prior to this, he could always touch him whenever he wanted, could taste him and feel him—but now the only thing left is a distance that can’t be crossed.

(He really hates the feeling. Jihoon is so close, and yet so far away at the same time.)

“Hyungnim.” Jihoon greets him softly after a while. “What are you doing here? It’s past midnight already.”

“What are you doing here?” he retorts back, feeling frustrated all of sudden. “Like you’d said, it’s past midnight. You should sleep.”

Tilting his head, Jihoon gives him a condescending smile. “It’s not any of your business, isn’t it?”

“No, Jihoon please not this shit again.” Daniel grits out. “If you’re here to get on my nerves, then you can go.”

“Don’t get so full of yourself, hyung. I was just happening to walk by.” he snorts. “And this is our dorm, I’m free to stick my feet anywhere I want.”

“Jihoon you— _fuck_ it.” Daniel curses low and forces himself up from his position on the floor. He walks towards Jihoon briskly before he stops when they are only a breath away. Daniel grips Jihoon’s shoulders hard until his knuckles turn chalk-white. “Just hit me! Kick me! Made me suffer but please, _please_ stop treating me like this!”

“I don’t understand what are you talking about.” He blinks up at him innocently. “I treat you no differently than I treat the rest of our members.”

“No—stop it. Stop lying to me.” Daniel hisses. “I know that I was wrong, but it doesn’t mean that you can treat me like this.”

Jihoon looks at him coldly. “Treat you like what?”

“Like I don’t fucking _matter_ to you!”

Daniel breathes harshly. All the sidestepping and the plain avoidance tires him out. He hasn't slept in days.

“Just… treat me fairly,” he tells him; desperate enough to drop on his knees and beg for his mercy. “I’m tired, Jihoon. Don’t you feel the same?”

Jihoon is silent. The occasional passing vehicle's headlamps are the only light, washing passively over their faces, bright then not. They're far enough away from the city already that the light pollution's faded, and the galaxy sprawls out above them, stardust glittering across the inky black sky and it reminds him of Jihoon’s eyes.

(But today, he realizes that there are no longer stars in his eyes, only dark clouds that seem to hang over his eyelashes, hiding the twinkles away.)

“What is this? Am I dreaming?” Jihoon lets out a few harsh chuckles, and they send a chill across Daniel’s skin. “You, of all people, asking me to treat you fairly? Daniel-hyung, whatever happened to you?”

“Jihoon, no. I just—I want to talk.” Daniel croaks out. “Please, give me a minute, and I swear I will—”

“No thank you.” He cuts him off with a breeze and proceeds to take his leave. “I’m going inside first, don’t stay up for too long. Remember that we have rehearsals tomorrow. Goodnight, hyung.”

Daniel stares at him, eyes blank and unseeing.                                                                                                                               

_What?_

When he finally processes every word and stamps the full sentence across his brain in a bright, glaring red color, Daniel snaps out of the daze and he is mad, he is fucking _mad_.

“You went to eat with Guanlin but couldn’t even talk to me for a fucking minute?”

Jihoon flinches, turning around only to regard Daniel with rage burning inside his eyes. “Don’t.” he hisses. “Don’t you dare, Kang Daniel.”

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Daniel smirks at him. His mind is screaming at him to stop before he regrets it, but Daniel chooses to deafen his ear. “We all know that you are just using him for your own selfishness. What are you trying to accomplish by doing this, huh? Do you want to make me mad? Do you want to hurt me? At this rate you—”

_“Shut up.”_

Daniel freezes when he realizes his mistake a second too late.

_Fuck._

“Don’t talk about me like you actually know me.” Jihoon hisses low. “What do you _know_ about me anyway?” he pauses to give him a scornful smile, then begins to walk away. “We’re nothing but colleagues, aren’t we? So stop addressing me like we’re close because we are _not_.”

(The words stab him painfully, but the image of Jihoon walking away from him is ten times worse.)                                 

_No._

Daniel doesn’t allow himself to think. He focuses his sight on the middle of Jihoon’s back that keeps getting farther and farther away from where he stands. When he finally has gotten enough strength on his feet, Daniel takes the first step. Then second, third, fourth, fifth—then when he is close enough, he reaches out to wring his hands around Jihoon waist and shoulders, pulling him into an embrace.

“Don’t go.”  

His heart begins to pound loud against his ears. Daniel wonders if Jihoon feels it traveling onto his back. He wonders if his heart is doing the same thing. No one is moving, and silence falls between them. They stay like that for a very long time; the only thing separates them is the fabric of their clothes, but Daniel can feel his warmth seeping under his skin down his bones.

But the warmth is suddenly gone when Jihoon hauls himself away.

“Stop this.” He mutters under his breath. “Stop playing with my heart. Why don’t you end this charade already?”

“Please,” begs Daniel with bated breath. “Just for a while, I need you to listen to me. I swear I want to fix everything so if you just let me—”

“No, I don’t want you to fix anything.” He pauses. “Because there’s nothing to be fixed, hyung. The only thing I want from you is—”

Daniel freezes and looks up to meet Jihoon’s eyes. Everything around Jihoon is so alive and tender; the oversized hoodie, the ceramic mug, starlight lining the constellation inside his eyes—but his gaze is firm and unyielding.

“Your goodbye,” continues Jihoon softly after a beat or two, and Daniel feels his heart crack under his stare. “You still haven’t said it yet even after all this time.”

Daniel feels tears welling up in his eyes.

_No, it’s not supposed to be like this._

“Just like you said, I’m tired.” He cuts him over. “I’m exhausted, and you’re not helping my case even a bit. So please, _please_ if there is still a bit of me resides inside your heart, I want you to forget and move on.”

Jihoon stops for a moment, then looks at him tenderly. A car goes whooshing by, and his face is lit up for a split-second.

“Because I already _did_.”

Daniel lets his vision fall to his feet. Jihoon is wearing his goodbye on his face like it’s the last and Daniel refuses to look at him. Daniel won’t look at him because he loves Jihoon and if the ice behind his eyes can say something, then it would be; forget me forget me _forget me_. And Daniel doesn’t want that; he doesn’t want to forget him because it also means closing every memory, every kiss, and touch that exchanged between them.

(No, Daniel doesn’t want to let him go yet.)

“I don’t want to forget you.” He croaks out. “I don’t want to forget _us_.”

Jihoon sighs, pale mist coating his lips purple. “It’s too late for that, don’t you think? I gave you the chance to say something, I gave you all the time you needed, but you didn’t.”

“I was afraid. I was scared shitless and I—I was so confused, and I still am.” Daniel says harshly. “If I could turn back the time, if I could go back again I would have—”

“Would have, should have,” Jihoon stops him before he can continue, chuckling wetly. “I hate those words the most. Stop justifying your action because for god sake, do you think I wasn’t afraid?” he pauses. “Ah, you didn’t really care about me, right? It’s always been you and _you_ , never about _me_.”

“Jihoon—”               

“Because if you really cared, you’d make an effort to say something.” Continues him bittersweetly. “If you really cared, you’d talk to me the moment I swore to myself to forget about everything but you didn’t.”

_No, why are you making a face like that?_

“I’m sorry that it has to be like this. I’m sorry that you hadn’t slept well these past days. I’m sorry that I made you feel like shit but what I’m supposed to do? Accept you back? No, I don’t think I can bear the pain all over again when you decide that I’m not worth it. I mean, you already have someone new to play with, don't you?” he smiles condescendingly at him. “That’s why, let’s just pretend that nothing ever happened and go back to the old times, alright? You and me, let’s just focus on the team and do our best for the next one and a half years.”

Daniel freezes when Jihoon takes a step back, mouth curving into a bittersweet smile. His eyes are like old stars as he speaks; echoes of stars burned out eons ago.

“You can do it, hyungnim.” He encourages him with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “You, after all, are far stronger than I’ll ever be, and that’s why I know that you’ll be okay.”

After that sentence is uttered, Jihoon stares at him for a fleeting moment before he turns around and walks toward the glass door. Daniel watches his back, willing himself to run after him but his feet won’t move.

_Why are you walking away from me?_

There is a gaping hole spreading over his chest, and Daniel feels like dying. He presses his chest, trying to subside the stinging pain but it doesn't pay off as the throb is still there, right between his pressed-up lungs.

_I’ll give you anything, so please, please stop and turn around._

And it hurts. It hurts so much to watch him walk away like Daniel doesn’t mean anything to him. Like he’s just a passing thought he wants to forget. Like he’s some sort of fleeting memory he wants to erase from his life.

_Why do you keep on walking? Why didn’t you turn back?_

Daniel breathes and breathes and _breathes_ until his lungs are wet and full with stinging cold air. Until his body is numb and mind blank. He licks his trembling lips and tastes salt right between the gap of his teeth, and he feels incredibly broken.

_Why are you leaving me like she did?_

Now that Jihoon completely disappears from his sight, Daniel feels so empty. Like a chunk of himself has been plucked out forcibly from its place.

_Please don’t leave me._

(Maybe it’s something that comes with being part of someone else; when they leave they take a part of you with them too.) 

 

 

 

 

}{

 

 

Jihoon lied.

_You fucking idiot. Why did you do that?_

He hasn’t moved on from Daniel yet. Because he has no idea what will happen if he goes through with it. He has no idea how Daniel will respond if he knows about it. That’s why he’d followed him into that balcony. That’s why he’d watched him from afar before he decided that he needed to look at him up close.

_I was so stupid._

But his mouth had just ruined everything for him. Now there is nothing he can do besides gulping down his heart back into his chest and walking away from the person he loves the most. Jihoon wipes the angry tears from his eyes and speeds up his stride.

_So fucking pathetic._

(Jihoon tells himself that he just wants to see Daniel again. That he doesn't necessarily need to talk to him, just see him one more time. But now Jihoon knows that it’s nothing but a lie.)

Jihoon doesn’t really know where his feet are taking him, so when he knocks against someone’s hard chest, he can only brace himself for the impact. But strangely it never comes.

“J-Jihoon?”

Jihoon looks up at the sound of his name and finds Seongwoo hovering over him in concern. “Hey, why are you—” he pauses to press his fingertips against his cheek. “…crying?”

At that moment, Daniel chooses to appear behind them, forehead slick with sweat and hands riveting on his knees. “Jihoon please lis—S-Seongwoo-hyung?”

_No, why did you come after me?_

Seongwoo eyes darken, and they send shivers down his skin. Jihoon doesn’t like the expression on his face right now. It scares him. “What did you do, Daniel?”

_Why are you fighting because of me?_

“I didn’t do anything!” Daniel croaks out, and for a moment there he sounds like he’s about to cry. The older male reaches out to hold his hand, but Jihoon flinches away, expression pinched with pain. “I’m just—Jihoon, please—”

_I don’t want this._

Daniel reaches for his hand again, but before he can touch him, Seongwoo has stopped him mid-air.

_Please._

“Come with me.” He hisses. “We need to talk.”

_Just stop._

 

 

  **}{**

 

 

“What the fuck, Daniel?”

Seongwoo looks angry, no scratch that, he looks furious. Daniel can’t do anything. He just bites his lower lip hard and lets the older cages him against the wall of the living room. The expression in Seongwoo’s eyes has stilled his tongue, freezing his heart sick in his chest, and Daniel has retailed, almost afraid to touch him.

“I didn’t give up on my feeling just for you to ruin everything between you and Jihoon!” he begins with bated breath. “Does my feeling mean nothing to you?”

“H-Hyung,” Daniel shakes his head. “I didn’t—”

“I fucking gave up on you, Daniel,” says Seongwoo out of the blue. “I fucking threw away my feeling for you and pretend that nothing ever happened between us so what more do you want from me? Tell me you bastard!”

Daniel flinches back and immediately feels a throb when his head collides with the wall behind. His hand automatically reaches out to grab the table beside him only to send the ceramic mug which settled there crashing into the ground. Wincing, he stares at the pieces of glass littering near his feet with blank eyes.

_That mug is Jihoon’s, right?_

“Listen to me, Daniel.” Seongwoo’s voice yanks him back into reality. “To throw away this suffocating feeling,” he says through gritted teeth. “To let go of that happiness I yearned for; do you think it’s easy?”

Daniel lets his hand fall on the table beside them, feeling useless. The grief is tight in his throat, and he feels like running away when Seongwoo zeroes his pupils right into his shaking ones.

“I loved you—and I still love you with all my heart,” Seongwoo says desperately. “But I know that I stand no chance against Jihoon, and that’s why, _that’s why_ I’m letting you go. But what should I do now? I’m not a fucking martyr, Daniel. Stop expecting so much from me!”

Daniel knows that he has to say something; anything, even if it’s meaningless and hollow, even if he’s just mouthing it over the terrible emptiness that claws inside him every time he breathes. But his lips won’t open.

“Are you going to let him slip away from you?” Seongwoo murmurs right into his face. “Are you going to be a coward and let him go without even putting up a fight?”

“I don’t know,” answers Daniel. All he can feel right now is frustration at its finest, and he’s so tired of repeating the same routine all over again. “I don’t fucking know what to do, hyung. I am so confused, so lost, and I can’t seem to think straight!”

“You don’t know, huh?”

Something has changed in the way he looks at him, Daniel notices. Maybe it’s the upturned of his lips, or maybe it’s only his eyes playing a trick on him, but he thinks that this Seongwoo in front of him is totally a different person altogether.  

“Then, you wouldn’t mind if I do this, right?”

Daniel widens his eyes when Seongwoo suddenly moves forward, bringing their face together. He can feel his hot breath on the skin of his lips. Daniel gulps down the bile behind his throat when Seongwoo angles his face so that their lips are on the same level, slowly erasing the distance between them. He closes his eyes, bracing himself for the impact.

But a minute passes, and he feels nothing.

_What—?_

Opening his eyes, Daniel is greeted with Seongwoo’s melancholy smile.

_Seongwoo-hyung…_

“Dammit, this is so—” Seongwoo chuckles hollowly, his warm breath fanning Daniel’s face softly. “Ahh, so embarrassing. What am I doing, huh?”

_Don’t—please don’t make that face._

“I couldn’t do it, after all.” he smiles bitterly at him. “I couldn’t do it, Daniel.”

Daniel is rendered still. As he stands, he is suddenly aware of his heartbeat, of his blood rushing around through his chest. Daniel tries to move his body on his own accord, but after about five minutes of not feeling his feet, he finds himself resting his forehead on Seongwoo’s shoulder as he lets out a wet breath.

“Don’t.” The older male hisses when Daniel’s about to open his mouth. “I don’t need that. I need you to get yourself together. I need you to go back and grovel at Jihoon’s feet. I need you to tell him your fucking feeling because dammit, Daniel. I need this.” He pauses to let out a shuddering breath. “I need this closure. _Please_.”

“But I can’t. He—Jihoon doesn’t want me back.” Daniel stops, nose scrunching up in tears. “I’m hurting too, hyung. This pain inside my chest, it suffocates me, and I feel like—I feel like shit for not doing anything right…”

Seognwoo lifts his head so they are face to face, nose almost touching if not for his hand pushing against his chest. “Daniel you—” he stops. “You are such an idiot…”

With a sigh, Seongwoo brings him into an embrace, hands moving up to pat his head gently. Daniel slips his arms around him, feeling his chest swell with another breath. Maybe the timing has been just a bit off, but now, inside Seongwoo arms, maybe, he can remember what it's like to have a best friend again.

_I missed you, hyung._

**_Click_ **

But his happiness doesn’t last long. At that moment, the door chooses to open with a small creek, and in the entrance, standing with his eyes blown wide and mouth opened in shock is—

Daniel freezes.

“Jihoon…”

From his slightly blurry vision, he watches as the younger male takes a step back, then another. His entire body is shaking, and Daniel knows that it’s not from the cold.

_Why are you looking at me like that?_

“I—I heard something b-breaking.” Jihoon gulps down, tongue darting out to lick a stripe across his lower lip. “I—uh, I'm...”

Daniel pushes himself away from the wall and watches Seongwoo doing the same. He tries to take a step forward, but before he can Seongwoo has already stopped him.

“No, don’t move Daniel!” he hisses right in his ears. “You’re going to step on the glass!”

“But Jihoon is—” he looks at Jihoon’s small form in the distance, noting the way his shoulders begin to shake. “Jihoon—”

“I’m s-sorry for interrupting!” Jihoon cuts him off with his strained voice. “I’ll—um, just—I’ll just go now.”

Daniel reaches out his arm. “Wait—”

**_Blam_ **

(But Jihoon is already gone.)

 

 

 }{

                                                               

 

The world around him is a blur. Jihoon forges through the dwindling road with even steps, daring himself to not look back into the direction of their dorm. Just a few feet in front of him, he sees the glowing nameplate of the subway station and doesn’t hesitate to step down the stairs with fast pace.

_I shouldn’t have opened that door._

Jihoon knows that he’s going to get punished for this but he really just wants to get to somewhere, _anywhere_ ; wants to forget everything he saw, even only for a moment.

_I could have walked away. They saw me. Daniel-hyung saw me._

Tapping sounds of his footstep is a rush of echoes on the deserted subway. Jihoon bites his lower lip, eyes seeking, searching; for something, _anything_. His view keeps jumping from one place to another, pupils blown wide and slightly wet from the building pressure of tears. But he still can see the train in the distance clearly, its glass door opening wide with a hiss.

_He knows that I know. He shouldn’t have known._

The door is almost shut when he has finally gotten in, and when the dimmed light of the empty compartment greets him at the entrance, Jihoon bites back a hiss.

_But it’s too late, right?_

Jihoon drops himself on the farthest seat at the back and fights the will to not rock back and forth. He feels so exhausted; it’s like his lungs are crushed by the weight of all the little things that build up inside his chest. Pain after pain, one bruise after another, until they all blend into a single feeling of hopelessness.

_Too damn late._

But then, just a second before he is about to cry, someone pulls him up and stares at him in shock.

“It’s that really you Jihoon? Park Jihoon? What are you doing here?”

Jihoon’s eyes widen.

_No way._

“You…” 

* * *

_i was always  
holding onto people,_ __  
and they were always  
always,  
leaving.

_why they always leave?  
  
_every time i make  
the decision to  
love   
someone,_  
_i_ _open myself_  
_to great suffering_ because   
  
_you who i love the_ _most_ _,_   
has brought me not _only great joy  
but also great  
pain_ _.__  
so i ask myself this;  
does loving you  
worth it in the end?

* * *

 

 tbc— 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK IN MY ANGST DUNGEON HULLO EVERYONE IT’S NICE TO BE BACK ASDHAKSHDASHDASHD /SCREAMS/
> 
> *ahem*
> 
> aNYONE STILL HERE? Am I alone right now? I’m sorry for taking too long to update but there’s a lot of thing on my plate right now… *cries*
> 
> Anyway, this is chapter 7! Now, I don’t know if any of you noticed it, but I have been giving hints about Daniel’s past since the first chapter. It’s kind of implied that he has something weighing his mind since the very beginning; why he has such difficulties to say those three little words and why he’s so sensitive with the whole relationship thing. I love giving subtle hints throughout the progress of the story because I think it’s more meaningful this way than to word-vomit everything in one go :)
> 
> I will explain more about his past in the next chapter because believe me, Daniel is nothing but a puppy that in dire need of extreme cuddling. I’m working on Jihoon’s character too, he’s still fighting with himself, but he’s also growing up and becoming stronger each day and I hope by the end of this story, he will be known as that sassy Jihoon we’ve come to know for the past months. Now I’m getting emo asdjakjshdkah *imitates a dying whale*
> 
> Last, please tell me your thoughts about this chapter~ I just can’t believe how far Nielwink has progressed my god they keep on rising these days I swear I can’t keep up with them anymore TT TT). Thank you so much for the kudos/comments/bookmarks! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the stats! You guys are the best thank you~ >3
> 
> P.s: I’m sorry for any (read: many) grammatical errors! I’ll try to correct it as soon as possible~ See you in the next chapter! ^^  
> P.s.s: I FINALLY MADE THAT TWT ACCOUNT WTF. Anyone who’s interested can find me @hamartia97 *kisses*


	8. semper fidelis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon loses his breath at those words. He can only stare at his brother as his heart swells in his chest and warmth envelops him; probably for the last time. It feels as if his eyes would tear up, but his body seems to have forgotten how to. 
> 
> Oh.
> 
> Now he can understand why Daniel is so fond of him. Now he can understand why he’s trying to get closer to him. Now he can understand the meaning behind his gentle touches and stares.
> 
> Now, he can understand why Daniel’d chosen him and not Seongwoo.

The dorm is strangely quiet. No one is talking or goofing around, and the silence is almost suffocating. All of them are scrambling around the dorm in various state of daze and confusion, some picking up a phone and another punching numbers furiously against the buttons of the landline; trying so hard to reach their current missing member.

He has been missing for hours now. No messages. No phone calls.

_Nothing_.

“You sure you have the right numbers?” Jisung murmurs, walking back and forth with fast pace. “We called the right numbers, right?”

“Yes, hyung.” Jaehwan sighs tiredly. “I called everyone already. His mother, Samuel, Donghan, Sewoon—but nothing. I even called the studio. No one has seen him. I don’t know what’s wrong with that boy.”

Guanlin frowns. “Hyung, are you sure that Jihoon-hyung didn’t leave any note behind?” he asks. “He’s not the type to leave without telling us first.”

“I checked already Guanlin-ah, there’s nothing.” Woojin groans, ruffling his hair into a mess. “God, what’s wrong with that hyung.”

Daniel ignores his surrounding as he sits in the corner, his messy bangs sweeping over his uncharacteristically cold eyes. A phone – drained – is clenched between his fingers. His gaze is blank, no expression whatsoever adorned his face; a glaring contrast from his usual bright personality.

“Where are you, Jihoonie?” he mutters under his breath and put his arms across his eyes. Daniel needs to see him again to stop the uneasy feeling inside his chest. “Fuck, why didn’t you come back?”

It’s only been a few hours since the last time Daniel saw him, but he will be lying if he says that he doesn’t miss him. With the younger avoiding him at all cost for several weeks, there’s a little to nothing he could do besides watching him from afar. And when he’d finally gotten the chance to touch him, to feel his warmth again, Jihoon is gone.

_Why?_

Daniel clenches his fist, fingers digging into his pale skin.

_Why did you leave me?_

“Niel?” Seongwoo, who notices his friend’s quietness almost immediately, begins to fuss over him in worry. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I'm all right.” he sighs, loosening his fist before he cuts off all the bloodstreams around his palm. “Just keep calling the others. I’m gonna charge my phone.”

Looking down into his borrowed phone, Daniel curses under his breath, it’s almost completely drained. He doesn’t realize that it’s been hours already. That he has been trying to get in contact with Jihoon for  _hours_.

But before he can leave, a deafening ring blares over the quietness, startling everyone in the vicinity. They look at each other before they scramble out into the source. Daniel is the first to arrive and almost broke his toes in hasty to pick up the call.

“Hello? Jihoon?” he asks immediately, ignoring the fact that maybe it’s not Jihoon on the phone. But Daniel is too wrecked to even think his action through, so he settles with; “Is that you?”

“Daniel-hyung?”

A surprised voice echoes from the other side, and Daniel melts from relief because he can recognize that voice from miles away.

“Yes. Thank god you’re alright.” Daniel tries to calm his uneven breath. When seeing that his face softens, the others begin to release the breaths they are holding. They prod at the male to put the call on loudspeaker but flinch back when Daniel glares back heatedly. “Where,” he hisses, tone slightly off. “—are you Jihoon-ah?”

“I’m, um—” Daniel winces when he hears the male stutter, obviously frightened with his unusual behavior. Not only him, but the others are also staring at Daniel in complete surprise. Out of all the members of the group, Daniel rarely got mad at Jihoon, whatever the occasion. The younger boy is Daniel’s favorite dongsaeng, and he will forever hold a soft spot in his heart.

_(But he’s not just a dongsaeng to you—)_

Daniel shakes his head to chase those thoughts away.

_No, I don’t have time for this._

“Jihoon-ah,” Daniel says, voice controlled. He spies Guanlin giving some weird hand signs to put the phone on loudspeaker. Daniel sighs, but does it anyway. “Where are you now? Why didn’t you—”

“I’m not going home tonight!” Jihoon cuts him off, his voice is a little bit rough and hoarse at the edges. “I—I have something to, uh, take care of.”

“What?!” Sungwoon hollers. “Park Jihoon! What the hell are you talking about!”

“Sungwoon… hyung?” he says incredulously. “Oh god, don’t tell me everyone is on the phone.”

“You bet, Jihoon-ah.” Woojin’s deep, threatening voice answered him instead. “Now, tell us where the hell are you hiding so we can drag your ass back her—ack! Hyung! That hurts!”

“Jihoon-ah,” Jisung calls softly, ignoring Woojin’s loud whine. “What happened? Why didn’t you leave a note behind? Seongwoo and Daniel said that you’d suddenly disappeared and they haven’t seen you ever since. Are you okay? Please, we are really worried.”

The others began to murmurs in agreement, and the bubbling noise is a constant reminder that Daniel isn’t the only one who’s scared shitless right now. That he is not the only one who’s hurt by Jihoon’s sudden disappearance. Daniel shirks into himself, watching the nine others settle into their own separate depths of anxiety with knitted brows and fear-stricken eyes. And Daniel feels nothing but consuming guilt.

_I’m sorry. It’s all because of me._

“Jihoonie.” Daniel hears him gulp at the other side of the call, and a tired smile unconsciously blooms across his previously blank face at the thought that he still has that control over the younger boy. “Please.”

There is silence before Jihoon speaks.

“Don’t worry about me, alright? I’m okay,” Jihoon whispers softly, and there’s something painful in the way his voice broke a little. “I just need some time alone, besides my brother is here with me.”

“Wait,” Daniel frowns. “Your brother?”

“Yeah—he’s, um, my older brother. I accidentally met him and his friend on the street, hyung. They invited me to dinner.” he chuckles weakly. “I guess we forgot the time, I’ll—I’ll call you later, alright?”

Then silence. The only thing he can hear is Jihoon’s soft breathing and the sound of steering wheels echoing in the background. Daniel holds his breath and digs his fingers into his palm.

“…..Jihoon?” Daniel mutters. “Are you—?”

“I’m sorry for intruding.”

All the occupants of the room widen their eyes when suddenly a calm voice replaced Jihoon’s. Judging by the low baritone seeping past the receiver, it’s a male speaking in his place right now.

“This is Park Jungho speaking.” The person said sheepishly from the other line. “I’m sorry to ask this; but could you please let my little brother sleep over my place? I guess we got carried away and it’s already late. I promise to return him back to the dorm tomorrow.”

The members look at each other in worry, and then to Daniel whose face turns back to its previous blank expression. All of them have no schedules for about two days before their last rehearsal – a luxury they haven’t felt for months because of their busy schedules – so there’s no real problem at hand. Besides, he’s Jihoon’s brother. What right they have to deny him for spending more time with his little brother?

(But it doesn’t mean that Daniel can let him go just like that. Not when nothing has settled between the two of them. Not when they are still a mess.)

“Jungho-ssi,” Daniel pauses to collect his mind. “What’s wrong with Jihoon? Is he—”

“He is okay, please don’t worry too much about him.” The male cuts him off smoothly. “Hoonie is just a bit stressed from work. He can stay, right?”

“W-Wait—”

“Hyung,” Daniel freezes when he hears Jihoon whisper; “ _Please_.”

His heart falls into his stomach at his desperate plea. Daniel has to bit the plane of his tongue to keep himself grounded. He doesn’t like this situation. He doesn’t like it at all.

“ _Okay_.” Daniel croaks out, voice shaking a little. “Okay—just.. be safe, alright?

“Yeah, of course, hyung.” He flinches at the polite tone Jihoon’s using on him. “Goodbye.”

The line is over just like that.

Daniel moves without really noticing, eyes dull and unseeing as he ghosts over to his bedroom. But before he can reach the door, Woojin stops him.

“We need to talk.”

 

 

* * *

_si_ _vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
 _so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

**08**  
「semper fidelis」

* * *

}{

 

 

“It’s you, right? Park jihoon?”

That voice seems so nostalgic despite the hollowness of it that Jihoon is suddenly woken up by his curiosity. So quickly he looks up and blinks at the towering figure standing in front of him. All bundled up in a thick jacket and red checkered scarf obscuring the lower half of his face, the stranger stares back at him, his thick brows begin to climb high from behind his pair of big glasses.

“Oh my god,” he says, hands slapping his mouth in befuddlement. “It’s really  _you_.”

“Uh,” Jihoon pipes up helpfully and points at his confused face.  _“Me?”_

“What the hell—”  his irritated voice hisses in Jihoon’s ear, and the next thing he knows they are only a breath apart. “—are you doing here in a middle of the night? Without any disguises no less? Have you gone bonkers? Park Jihoon answer me!”

Jihoon blinks again, then tilts his head to the side in confusion. The more he looks at him, the more he feels nostalgic. But strangely, he can’t remember his name at all. And yet that face, nose, and eyes; they seem so familiar.

“Who are you again?” Jihoon blurts out, not really knowing how the man will react. “I m-mean, do I know you?”

The stranger pauses in his breakdown to give Jihoon a disapproving frown. Even through the mask and hoodie, Jihoon can see the twitching of his eyes quite clearly.

“You and your brother are one of a kind, seriously.” he mutters under his breath, exasperated. “Goddammit, why this kind of shit always happens to me?”

Jihoon puckers his lips in thought and tries to hide his budding anxiety. This person in front of him know about his brother?  _How?_

“Who are y—”

“Not here, you little shit.” He stops Jihoon with a low hiss before opening his jacket in hasty. He then throws it over Jihoon’s small built and shoves his tangerine-colored hair under the hoodie. “You’re going to attract a crowd.”

“But—”

The stranger clamps his big palm over his mouth and hisses. “Just shut up and follow me.”

Jihoon gulps.

“O-Okay.”

 

 

}{

 

 

“—now you better get your ass here before I chop your annoying little brother into pieces. You hear me? Pieces!”

Jihoon watches the display of excessive anger in silence while sipping his lukewarm americano. They are currently sitting in a secluded corner of some suspicious looking café downtown. It’s been ten minutes since they arrived and it’s also been ten minutes since the stranger punched numbers into his phone – which Jihoon’d predicted as his brother’s – and began screaming at the transmitter without a pause.

“What the fuck? Who do you think you’re talking to you bastard?” Jihoon flinches at the loud noise and pulls on the hoodie so it covers half of his face out of embarrassment. “Hey, listen to me you shi—fuck! He hung up on me?”

The loud, high-pitched voice echoes inside the dingy café and more than a handful turn their heads into their direction. Jihoon pulls his hoodie more aggressively and holds back his own curses.

_Can he shut up already? This is so embarrassing, oh my god._

“—and you, Park Jihoon.” Jihoon jumps when his eyes suddenly collide with the other. “You have a lot of things to explain.”

“I don’t have to explain anything to you.” Jihoon groans internally when his mouth chose to voice his annoyance out. He clears out his voice. “I m-mean, stranger-ssi, what do you mean by that, hm?”

“Stop that, you make me want to puke.” He rolls his eyes at him, and Jihoon has to restrain himself from clawing at his face. “Just be your usual rude self, child.”

“I’m not rude.” Jihoon rebukes with a scowl. “Now, kindly introduce yourself to me because I can’t seem to remember you? Or at least take off your mask and sunglasses so I can see your face…”

The stranger – seriously Jihooon is getting tired of calling him that – frowns at him before he proceeds to scrape off his face bare for a few seconds before he puts on his disguises again. “There, you remember me now?”

For once, Jihoon actually stops to squint hard at the expecting male while biting his lips in concertation. He’s sure that he has seen that face somewhere because that caterpillar-like eyebrow certainly feel familiar but—

“God, I can’t believe it.” The male blinks at Jihoon after a minute of utter silence. “It’s me, Hyunwoo! Lee Hyunwoo! How could you ever forget me?”

Jihoon tilts his head, nose and forehead scrunching up in thought. That name  _does_  sound familiar—

_Wait._

Jihoon opens his mouth in shock.

_Oh my god._

“S-Sunbaenim? Lee Hyunwoo-sunbaenim?!”

“Sunbaenim. Really.” The strang—no,  _Hyunwoo_ , mimics his voice before he sighs loudly into his palms. “Now you finally recognize me. Am I really that undesirable that you forgot about me hm, Park Jihoon?”

“I’m sorry—I’m not, uh,” Jihoon scratches his forehead. “It’s just been a long time since we last met and you’ve… um, changed?”

That apparently brightens his mood almost immediately. “You mean I’ve gotten more handsome that you failed to recognize me?”

“Uhm, no.” Jihoon lets out a few awkward laughs, and Hyunwoo face falls onto the table. “Just, you know, the usual changes. You’ve gotten taller though. I really couldn’t recognize you, sunbaenim.”

“Stop calling me with that boring title.” Hyunwoo huffs. “Just call me hyung like before. Why do you have to address me like that when we’ve known each other for years?”

“Ah, well, I don’t know.” murmurs Jihoon softly. “I’m just used to it, I guess. Have to be careful somehow, especially when we’re under public eyes.”

Hyunwoo stares at him for a moment too long before he sighs to himself. “It can’t be helped, huh?”

“Hyung?” Jihoon notices that the older male has grown quiet. Looking up, he finds him staring at him in silence with an unreadable expression on his face. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s that why I found you sitting on that train at one a.m in the morning, Jihoon?”

Jihoon freezes.

“Is that why you looked like you were about to cry, hm?” Hyunwoo continues with a small, bittersweet smile. “I guess the tremendous fame and popularity have weighed you down just like I’d expected.”

Jihoon wants to answer something,  _anything_ —but his voice is caught in his throat, and the words he’d prepared to say fall behind the line of his teeth in a flash. The pain inside his chest comes back in full force, and he feels so suffocated that it’s hard to breathe.

“It’s hard, isn’t it? To be an idol?” Hyunwoo leans his face into his propped arms. “I told you years ago to just focus on your acting career and work yourself up from the bottom, but you’re definitely as stubborn as your brother and chose to ignore my warnings.”

Jihoon stops and curls his fingers inside his palms until they dig crescents across his skin.

_He’s right._

Because Jihoon shouldn’t have discarded his acting career to pursue his dream of being a singer. He could have focused on improving himself to reach the same level in which his brother’s currently standing on. Because if only he’d given up, if only he’d stopped trying, he wouldn’t have to go through such painful experience. He wouldn’t have his heart broken.

(And he wouldn’t have met Kang Daniel and fell in love with him.)

Because Daniel had burrowed under his skin and rooted deep into his bones. Latching himself tight into his heartstrings and pulling him right into his palm. Maybe it is his jellies obsession, or his weird sense of humor, or his general spirit and stupid smile that captured Jihoon but it’s probably all four—and so much  _more_.

(And Jihoon doesn’t like it. Doesn’t like the fact that he’s chaining him down. Because to love someone that doesn’t love you back hurts more than anything.)

“Jihoon?”

Before he can open his mouth again, someone knocks over their table in a fluffy of dark coats and blue scarf. Jihoon has to bite his lips from screaming when a pair of hands plants over his cheeks.

“Oh god,” he whispers. “It’s really you. I thought that—what happened?!”

Jihoon blinks up and notices those worried eyes almost immediately.

“J-Jungho-hyung?”

 

 

}{

 

 

Jihoon sits awkwardly in the middle of some kind of staring contest which happened a few minutes ago. Even though he’s so excited to see his brother again after such a long period of time and wants to squeeze him to death, the scary smile on Hyunwoo’s face forces him to stay on his feet.

“Park Hyungsik,” Hyunwoo hisses. “I’m not kidding when I said that I will castrate you if you don’t stop pouting like that.”

“Oi, I’m Park Jungho now,” The older male chastises him. “And watch your mouth. Remember that we’re in public, dipshit.”

Hyunwoo rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

“You really don’t take me seriously. I’m older than you by two years, Hyunwoo-ah. Please learn some basic courtesy.” Hyungsik shakes his head in exasperation, then turns to smile gently at Jihoon. “Hey, are you really okay, Hoonie? Do you want me to take you back to the dorm? It’s almost two in the morning.”

Jihoon flinches at the suggestion, drawing into himself like he’s trying to hide from Hyungsik’s dark eyes. It’s not like Jihoon hates to be back, he is just not ready to face that person again when his mind and heart alike are still in chaos.

“Can I stay with you, hyung? Just for tonight?” Jihoon looks up at him in hope. “I promise I’ll return to the dorm tomorrow. Pretty please?”

“Eh? Why?” Hyungsik tilts his head, “Didn’t you tell me that you’re busy preparing for the last concerts?”

“We have some days off!” says Jihoon immediately with a forced laugh, “It’s okay if I stay with you for the night, right?”

“W-Well,” he blinks at him, “I don’t mind… but my friend is currently staying in my apartment for a while—”

“Girlfriend.” corrects Hyunwoo from the side, which earns him a slap on his bicep. “Hey! That’s hurts!

Hyungsik rolls his eyes, “—so I don’t know if you’re comfortable with that. You’re always welcome though.”

“Of course he isn’t.” Hyunwoo strikes again. “Why would he when he has to watch you being all lovey-dovey with that woman?”

_Wait a minute._

Jihoon lets his jaw fall into the floor at the sudden information.

“My brother has a girlfriend? Like, girlfriend  _girlfriend_?” he asks incredulously, “Since when? How? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She’s not my girlfriend!” Hyungsik forms an x shape in front of his chest, pupils blown wide and eyes twitching as he glares at Hyunwoo’s smug face. “Don’t listen to this idiot, Jihoon-ah. She’s just staying for a few nights because of our tight schedules. I swear that there’s nothing between us!”

Jihoon scrunches his nose in distaste at the blatant lie and turns to face Hyunwoo. “Tell me everything in detail, hyung.”

Hyunwoo blinks at him twice before a smirk appears on his face. “The name Kim Seulgi. Twenty-seven. An actress.” His smirk widens, “Dark hair, ivory skin, cute cheeks, and very small. A bit too loud for my liking, but I guess she’s fine.”

“Personality-wise?” Jihoon raises his brow. “She’s not some snobby actress that loves to play around, right? I’m not going to let my brother date a person like that.”

“She’s fine.” Hyunwoo shrugs carelessly but frowns when Jihoon raises his brow at him. “Seriously, I don’t think she’s the type to play around.”

“Good,” Jihoon huffs. “She better treats my brother like a prince. I’m not going to tolerate any bad things happening to him.”

“Oi,” Hyunwoo scoffs at him. “Your brother is twenty-seven years old. He doesn’t need your tiny nineteen years old ass to protect him.”

“But I need to make sure that she’s good enough for him.” whines Jihoon pitifully. “It’s not like I’m—”

“Okay, that’s enough you two.” Hyungsik stops them from going further, sighing tiredly. “Listen to me. Seulgi is  _not_  my girlfriend.  _Nothing_  is going on between us. She’s just a friend,  _a very good_  friend at that so there’s a little to no chance that I will date her.”

“Admit it you have a crush on her.” Hyunwoo snorts. “Don’t think that I didn’t see your stupid smile when you look at her Park Hyungsik.”

“Stop it, Hyunwoo.” Hyungsik hisses. “You know that she has someone.”

“She has no one.” He bites out harshly, “They broke up years ago, right? It’s not like the guy is still in love with her or something.”

“But she  _still_  loves him.” Jihoon flinches when his brother spats out a seething sound that is a cross between a whisper and a scream. He sounds furious, but determined enough not to let his emotions run amock. “Now stop it, okay? Let’s just focus on Jihoon.”

“Fuck, you’re such a loser.” Hyunwoo grits his teeth. “I’m going to cool my mind, don’t search for me. I’ll come back soon.”

After that sentence uttered, the actor walks briskly into the door before he disappears into the distance. Jihoon turns his attention fully into Hyungsik, watching him with careful eyes. Something heavy settles in his heart when he sees the way his brother’s expression falls a little. There is a haunted, jaded look in his eyes, wary and cold.

Jihoon frowns. That look feels so familiar.

(—so much like his own.)

“Hyung…” Jihoon touches his arm gently. “Are you okay?”

Under his cold fingertips, Jihoon feels him relaxing down. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

_Ah, he’s lying._

Jihoon forces a smile and closes his eyes, trying to wash off the sudden barge of memories from his head. To think that even his brother; his kind, beautiful brother, has experienced the feeling of being in unrequited love just like him breaks Jihoon’s heart a little.

_Hyung…_

His grip on Hyungsik’s arm tightens, offering something that might have been comfort or maybe just the knowledge that he isn't alone. Jihoon doesn’t really know, but the thought of his brother going through the same thing as him hurts. Comfort isn't something he can easily offer, but he tries, anyway.

“I’m okay, kiddo,” Hyungsik says quietly, thumb stroking in a brief caress against his cheek. “You don’t have to worry about me, alright?”

Jihoon smiles back at him weakly and thinks about how cruel this world is. Why of all people, it has to be his brother?

“This Kim Seulgi,” he begins carefully, “Does she know about…?”

Hyungsik looks startled for a second before his gaze turns somber; heavier, and Jihoon feels the pain inside his chest multiplies.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn’t. But it doesn’t really matter because she still loves his ex, even after all this time. There is no way that I can replace him when she still holds him so dearly inside her heart. Besides, I’m no match for her ex.” He laughs a little. “He’s really amazing, you know. I’m nothing compared to him.”

“Hyung…” Jihoon bites his lips. “I’m—”

“Don’t be sorry for me, Jihoon.” He says quietly, still with a smile present on his face. “You know that it can’t be helped. You can’t force love, after all. I’m content being by her side as a friend she can count on.”

“Why are you pretending that you’re okay when you’re certainly not?” he pauses, “Are you—are you going to give up on her?”

Silence comes between them. Jihoon bites his bottom lip in worry and watches how Hyungsik’s face morphs into something indescribable; something foreign.

“I’ve already given up since a long time ago,” he says softly. “I don’t want to be hurt anymore, Jihoon.”

“But—but doesn’t it hurt more if you give up?” Jihoon blurts out. “I mean, to willingly let someone go… doesn’t it will hurt more?”

“Yes, it will hurt like hell. When I told myself to give up on her, I felt... sad. Like I'd lost something I never quite had. And I know that it will hurt more.” Hyungsik says softly. “But I’m prepared for that, and it’s better than not moving forward at all.”

His brother smiles at him; a smile that is so sad, and also beautiful at the same time. Pain flares up inside his chest, robbing all air from his lungs. It’s such an intense emotion he is shocked by its overwhelming strength, and honestly, it feels suffocating. So Jihoon throws his arms around his brother and buries his face into his chest, seeking warmth and comfort.

_Why?_

“It’s okay, hyung.” he murmurs. “You will be okay.”

_Why you can take a step forward—_

“Jihoon?”

_When I’m stuck inside this loophole forever?_

“You will be just fine. So please smile.”

Jihoon holds back his tears and wonders if he’s trying to console his brother, or maybe himself.

 

 

}{

 

 

The first time he passes by the glowing ad in the subway station, Jihoon kind of tries not to see it.

It's hard to not stop and stare at the bluish-purple glow that spreads across the dim-lighted underground subway. But Jihoon thinks it's better than seeing that face again, smiling down at him with that smile he loves the most. A few steps ahead he passes through another, this time a group of eleven and not one, and he has to force his feet from planting themselves down the cold pavement.

_No, don’t you dare Park Jihoon._

Jihoon turns up the volume on Hyungsik’s iPod – which he’d pried off him an hour ago – and hunches into his borrowed jacket against the chilly wind that begins to slither under his skin. Just a few steps in front of him, his brother and Hyunwoo walk side by side, seemingly deep in conversation. Staying true to his words, Hyunwoo’d joined them again a few minutes ago while still sporting an annoyed look on his face. But it’s much better than the obvious anger he saw clouding his eyes back when they were sitting in the café.

Jihoon sighs and begins to quicken his stride. Another step; another glowing ad. The same eyes, the same smile. He bites down his lower lip and keeps his eyes into the distance.

_Keep walking. Don’t you dare to—_

“Woah, that’s you and Kang Daniel, right?”

Jihoon stops on his track when Hyunwoo’s low voice enters his ears.

_Huh?_

“Really, those fans of yours are something.” Jihoon notices the actor has stopped walking to stare at the other side of the street. “It’s from the final episode, right? How could they even hold their camera straight between all the mess? That picture is really beautiful.”

Jihoon turns his head slowly, and there's a fraction of a second when his eyes connect with the glowing ads from the bus station before he looks away. His body goes from relaxed to a tensely coiled spring in the blink of an eye.

_No._  

 

 

 

His mind begins to drift away. He remembers everything so clearly, just like it was yesterday. Jihoon remembers how he pulled him into an embrace and buried his face into his neck. How he held him closer as if he didn’t want to let go. How he whispered those three little words into his ear; softly, gently.

_(I love you_ ; that’s what he said to him again, just like the first time.)

Jihoon takes another look at the glowing ad from across the street, then smiles. Back then, Daniel’d said those words so easily, so freely, and Jihoon knew that he’d actually meant every word; every single of them. Whether it’d be platonic or romantic, he didn't really care because Jihoon could feel his sincereness in the way he looked at him so why—

_Why couldn’t you say that again when I needed those words the most?_

He breaks out from his thoughts when Hyungsik opens his mouth. “Kang Daniel was the one who answered the phone, right? The two of you seem really close.”

“Yeah,” Jihoon says, tongue darting out to lick a stripe over his dry lips. “It’s him.”

“I was a bit worried about you at first. The production team loved to pit the two of you together in every chance possible after all. But now, seeing how worried he’s about your whereabouts, I can finally breathe easily.”

“You’re so dramatic.” Hyunwoo rolls his eyes. “If you actually watched the show from the beginning, it’s clear as day that Kang Daniel is whipped for this kid.”

Hyunsik raises his eyebrows. “Whipped?”

“Yeah, he’s so whipped man. You don’t even know the half of it.” he shakes his head. “Just for your information, there are some interesting posts on naver about the two. You should search it up.”

“Well, my little brother is cute after all,” he says proudly, puffing up his chest. “Who can resist him? He’s so perfect.”

“You and your brother complex.” Hyunwoo sighs. “Anyway, did you—”

A pause.

“Wait a minute. Jihoon, look at me.”

Jihoon bites back a shriek when Hyunwoo suddenly leans forward and begins to examine his face. Instinctively, he takes a step back, but Hyunwoo has planted his palms first on each side of his face, squeezing his cheeks while holding him in place. Jihoon whines when Hyunwoo squeezes harder, forcing his eyes to shut close. After a minute of constant staring, the older male blinks at him; once, twice, thrice, before a frown appears on his face.

“Now that I notice it,” he knits his brows together. “You actually resemble her a lot.”

Jihoon pauses.

_Huh?_

“With that cute face and big eyes, you really look a lot like Seulgi-noona.” Hyunwoo snorts. “Aigoo, no wonder that Kang Daniel treats you so fondly.”

Jihoon feels his heartbeat stop. Slowly, he opens his eyes to stare at Hyunwoo, face pinched with confusion and dread.

(He doesn’t like where this is going. He doesn’t like it at all.)

“W-What?”

Hyunwoo pauses, and from the corner of his eyes, Jihoon sees his brother visibly tensing. Jihoon watches in silence when Hyunwoo turns around to smile sheepishly at Hyungsik’s disapproving frown, scratching his cheek in guilt.

“Seulgi will flip her shit when she knows about this, Hyunwoo.” Hyungsik chastises him with a glare. “You should prepare your funeral.”

“Hey, it’s not like I’m blabbering on national tv or something.” he pouts angrily. “It’s just Jihoon, your brother, not a freaking stranger. We all know that he can keep a secret.”

“Hyung,” Jihoon winces at his own voice; it sounds horrible. “What do you mean by that?”

Hyungsik looks at him for a moment too long, before he smiles softly at him. “I guess it can’t be helped, right?”

Jihoon looks up at him, expecting.

“It’s funny how fate plays with our life.” Hyungsik laughs a little. “It's hard to believe in coincidence, but it's even harder to believe in anything else. But well, it is a small world, after all.”

_Huh?_

“Remember what I told you before? Something about Seulgi’s ex-boyfriend?” his smile withers a little. “His name is—”

Something heavy settles in Jihoon’s heart when he sees the way Hyungsik’s face turns cold.

“—Kang Daniel.”

Jihoon loses his breath at those words. He can only stare at his brother as his heart swells in his chest and warmth envelops him; probably for the last time. It feels as if his eyes would tear up, but his body seems to have forgotten how to.

_Oh._

Now he can understand why Daniel is so fond of him. Now he can understand why he’s trying to get closer to him. Now he can understand the meaning behind his gentle touches and stares. Now, he can understand why Daniel’d chosen to play with him first and not Seongwoo.

_Fuck, I’m so stupid._

Daniel does so not because he’s Jihoon, but because he reminds him of someone else.

(Because he reminds him of—)

_So that’s why._

Jihoon doesn’t want to admit it, but when everything finally clicked into place, suddenly it makes sense.

“So that’s how it is,” he whispers quietly to himself. “How could I not notice?”

“Jihoon? Hey, why are you so silent?” Hyungsik tilts his head to look at him. “Are you okay?”

_Now I know why you couldn’t say those words back, hyung._

There is no answer. Besides the occasional sounds of passing cars and steering wheels, it’s all silence and still.

_Because since the start, it has never been me, right?_

Jihoon hits the ground laughing, pulling his hood down to latch his fingers among his hair. The world around him is a mess of colorful lights, but the only thing he can see is a blur. He blinks back the tears and watches as his surrounding turn into tiny spots across his retina.

_It’s always been her, your first love_.

Breathing in and out, Jihoon lets out a few strained chuckles and wonders why this always happens to him.

“Jihoon? What’s wrong? Why are you laughing?”

Because it always happens, whether in the aftershock of his own pain and another, the truth will only crush him down. Nothing has changed, after all. He’s the stupid one again. He’s the boy who'd never understood his place. Jihoon knows that he should have learned his lesson by now. So when the next car passes over them, Jihoon begins to walk again, trudging across the solid cement pavements of the street that he doesn’t know off, bleeding himself to emptiness and exhaustion.

“Where are you going?!”

The street is long and dwindling, stark and fluorescent against his monochrome world, but Jihoon likes it. It reminds him of something;  _something_ , that he wants to forget for the rest of his life.

“Jihoon,” Someone is holding him. Jihoon doesn’t have to look back to know that his brother is looking at him in worry. “Hey, are you sure that you’re okay?”

Jihoon bites back a sob and thinks how to answer him. But his mind is in chaos, and his mouth is getting dry. A tear, or maybe two, escape from the corner of his eyes, but he quickly wipes them off.

“No, I’m okay. I’m just—peachy.” He forces out another batch of laughter, then turns into Hyungsik, who is still staring at him in concern. “Hyung, can I borrow your phone for a while? I need to contact my members, they must be very worried about me.”

Hyungsik blinks at him, a pair of eyes that look so much like his own boring holes into his face. “Are you—?”

“Hyung, your phone.” He cuts him off gently. “Can I borrow it?”

“O-Oh, okay.” He fishes out his phone from the pocket of his coat and dumps it into Jihoon’s expecting hand. “Here, Jihoon-ah.”

Jihoon stares at the black screen for a moment too long, before he punches down numbers and tries to hold his tears back.

_Yeah, this is for the best._

 

 

* * *

_there are things  
i need to  
tell you,  
  
but_  _would you  
listen,  
if_  _i told you,  
how_  _in love i was_  
before you  
broke  
my heart?

* * *

tbc—

 

New characters corner:

**Lee Hyun-woo (25, actor, singer)**

  
He was born on March 23, 1993. He began his career as a child actor when he was nine (yep, a child actor just like Jihoon, hence why ‘sunbaenim’) who garnered positive attention through his portrayal of child roles in "The Legend" and "King Sejong the Great," before receiving acclaim in the school series, "Masters of Study." 

He had a pure and bright personality but also can be serious when he wants to be. A very likable character, but the real reason for why I chose him is; I quote,  _“I try (to be kind). I'm sure I'm evil somewhere, but I only bring it out when I want to.”_  I unquote. Lmao he’s so savage he reminds me so much of Woojin xd.

 

**Park Hyung Sik (27, singer, actor)**

  
He was born on November 16, 1991, he also is known by his stage name Hyungsik as part of the boy band ZE:A. He gained recognition for his supportive role in the hugely successful television drama “Heirs” in 2013. He then starred in “What Happens to My Family” in 2014, “High Society” (2015), “Hwarang” (2016-2017) and “Strong Woman Do Bong Soon” (2017).

He has that last-child babyish personality and very honest about his emotions as well, but when he’s acting, he’s an entirely different person. Now, that reminds me of someone… hmm… isn’t it kinda obvious why I chose him? Haha jk~ Jihoon’s real brother is very mysterious he could be a celebrity for all we know xd. The only fact I know is they have a huge age gap so I’m taking it into consideration besides the obvious surname.

 

**Kim Seul Gi (27, actress)**

  
She was born on October 10, 1991, in Dongnae, Busan, South Korea. Her famous T.V shows are Splash Splash Love, Oh My Ghost, and so on. She is no doubt a very, very cute actress with a pretty face, pair of doe eyes and small stature. She has a charming personality and definitely older than our resident Busan boy. *wink wink* Now you know the main reason of why I chose her besides the fact that she’s born in Busan xd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha I’m back after weeks of hell asjjdhashdalsd. I’m sooo sorry for (another) late update, but I’ve been super busy with life at the moment. But let’s talk about the chapter~ I’m sure many of your questions have been answered by now, but I’m also sure that there are still many things that haven’t been explained properly; especially about Daniel’s past relationship >3
> 
> Don’t worry, it will be revealed sooner or later. I mean, Jihoon is going to meet THE ex after all, so expect me to bomb your head with more angst xd. And for those who are confused as for why I’m inserting some new characters but not from produce 101… well… *side eyes someone*
> 
> Well, I’ve always been very curious about Jihoon’s past as a child actor. I’d like to think that there’s something stronger than his love for dancing which made him left the acting industry to pursue his current career. I mean, it’s impossible for him to not form some sort of attachment and friendship, right? And to think that he willingly let them go makes me want to explore his past a bit. Besides, I love the idea of actor!Jihoon a lot, so excuse me for adding some of that in this story hehe
> 
> Last, thank you so much for the comments/kudos/bookmarks! Woah, to think that I’ve reached so far with this story is really mindblowing. Thank you thank you thank you! If not for your kind words and supports, I wouldn’t have managed to continue this story at all :) See you in the next chapter! Ilysm >3
> 
> P.s: I’m sorry for any (read: many) grammatical errors! I’ll try to correct it as soon as possible~ See you in the next chapter! ^^  
> p.s.s: I’m sorry to say this but I’m thinking about hiatus after updating my other story for some reasons... mainly health though, because I’ve been admitted to hospital twice this week alone... I hope you can understand… TwT)  
> p.s.s: my fanart is based on original photo by tears sign :)


	9. hinc illae lacrimae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sound that escapes Jihoon’s throat is another one of those sad laughs that mean nothing like what laughter should mean.
> 
> [I was the stupid one.]
> 
> It's all on him. Because he's the stupid one who couldn't read the fucking emotion behind Daniel's eyes. He should have known that it wasn't him from the start. He should have, but he kept pretending; kept ignoring everything and now it's too late for him to take everything back.
> 
> Jihoon is the one at fault, and he understands that perfectly.

"N-Noona? Seulgi-noona? Are you there?"

A beat passed, and then two.

"Please say something, noona. You're there, right? Why didn't you pick up my call?"

Still no answer. Daniel pulled his jacket against his body tighter. It was getting cold here. He should have brought his coat and scarf instead, how stupid of him.

"Noona, you will come back, right?" Daniel asked hopefully. His lips were turning blue. "They told me that you're going to study acting in Seoul. They must be lying. There’s no way that you will leave me without saying goodbye."

Silence.

"Y-You're going to come back, right?" he asked again, this time louder. "You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?"

Cold winter air began to slither down his neck. Daniel shivered.

"Noona, why aren't you talking?" he forced out a laugh. "Ah, you must be tired from work, right? I'll—I'll, uh, call you later, okay?"

_**Pip.** _

Daniel dropped himself into the cold bench, then stared at the falling snow quietly. After a minute or two, he unlocked his phone again then punched numbers into the screen with trembling fingers and waited until it glowed bright green. After a while, it turned dark again before it lighted up with a message.

_**The person that you are calling is currently unavailable. Please try your call again later.** _

Daniel ignored it and held his phone closer to his cheek. His mouth was stretched out into a broad smile while his eyes filled with tears.

"Seulgi-noona, it's me again. Are you there?"

 

 

* * *

_si vis amari, ama_ _  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._

**09**  
「hinc illae lacrimae」

* * *

}{

 

 

"Is there something you want to say, hyung?"

Biting his lower lip, Daniel cranes his head to look at Woojin's seething form. Despite the darkness of their shared room, and despite his back on him, Daniel can see how hard the younger is trying to restrain himself from clawing at his face right now.

Woojin finally turns around to stare at him. "I'm giving you a chance to say something. So why aren't you talking?"

Daniel refuses to meet his eyes.

"Hyung, look at me." Woojin begins with an even voice, hands moving up to latch themselves on Daniel's shoulders. "Have you done something? Does Jihoon's sudden disappearance has something to do with you?"

Gritting his teeth, Daniel shrugs off his hands away. He doesn't like the tone Woojin's using.

"Daniel-hyung—"

"Don't." he hisses. "It's none of your business."

It's uncalled off, and Daniel knows that. He sees Woojin flinch, hurt filling his eyes and honestly, he feels like an asshole for saying such a thing.

(But Daniel doesn't need pity. He doesn't need his pity. He doesn't need it.)

_"Fuck you."_  Woojin finally hisses, and it takes every fiber inside his being to stop Daniel from running away right then and now. "I'm just trying to help. Why are you always trying to shoulder everything alone? News flash, Kang Daniel, you're not a fucking superhero or something so get your head out of your ass already!"

Daniel clamps his lips together, refusing to let his anger control his mouth. But then Woojin has to move closer to where he's standing right now then he presses their face together.

"I've been itching to ask you this question, so you better answer me loud and clear." he begins. "Do you love him? Do you love Jihoon?"

"I," Daniel gulps down, "—don't understand what are you talking about."

_"Bullshit."_  Woojin snaps, his accent bleeding through without him knowing. "We know everything, okay? Don't try to fool me. Now answer my question. Do you?"

"I—I'm—" Daniel sucks in a breath, "I—"

The words he'd prepared fall behind the line of his teeth. Daniel winces when Woojin lets out a low hiss.

"You're so fucked up, hyung." Woojin spats to his face. "I can recognize that look from miles away."

"Woojin-ah…" whispers Daniel.

"You are in love, aren't you?" asks Woojin, but it sounds like a statement instead. "But in love with who—I don't have a fucking clue. Your eyes tell me nothing. Your smile too. Even your expression… you're so good at hiding, huh?"

Daniel parts his lips only to close them again.

"Fuck. This is so frustrating." Woojin takes a calming breath. "I don't want to tell you this, but I know that I will regret it later."

_Huh?_

"Maybe you're good at hiding, but Jihoon isn't. Our managers are getting suspicious. And this incident may force them to start giving the two of you more attention than you'd like."

He looks at him in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I overheard them talking about the two of you." He says in one breath. "Apparently two weeks ago they'd caught a sasaeng in one of our dressing room and confiscated her memory card before she could leave. Do you know what they found inside?"

_Don't tell me—_

"Pictures of you and Jihoon hugging. Tons of them. There were also pictures of you staring at him intently and vice versa." he says quietly. "They'd thought nothing about it at first, but then this happened, and you know the rest."

Daniel hunches into himself and begins to shake.

_No, this not happening._

"Are you going to tell them the truth?" Woojin asks after a minute of silence. "Are you even going to tell Jihoon the truth?"

_What should I do?_

"I don't know," he whispers. "Fuck, I don't know what to do!"

Woojin stares at his trembling form for a second before he heads to the door without a word.

"Hyung," Woojin stops for a while, tilting his head a little to give him a crooked smile. "You're going to regret it if you keep trying to hide everything from Jihoon. Because he's not that weak. Naïve, yes, but not weak. If you actually tell him the truth, I'm sure that he will understand."

The younger boy closes the door behind him, its jagged edge scrapes against the tiled floor, and it creates a painful wail inside his ears. Daniel moves to sit on the edge of the bed – Woojin's – and lets his voice ring inside his head.

_Tell him the truth, huh?_  

 

 

}{

 

 

People tend to look for clear-cut reasons that make sense. Daniel expected Jihoon to give him a few good beatings, maybe a broken bone or two complete with streaks of color across his skin for playing with his heart, but in reality, the opposite happened.

Jihoon left him, just like that.

( _At least he said goodbye_ , he tries to console himself.  _It's better than nothing, right?_ )

"Daniel-ah? You're there?" Jisung's smooth, motherly voice comes from outside his room. "Can I come in?"

He perks up at the sound, body suddenly in alert. "Hyung…"

"I'm coming in, alright?" The older male warns him, and Daniel watches as the door opens with a slight creak. "Daniel? Why it's so dark here?"

Daniel buries his head into the pillow, refusing to acknowledge the other's presence in his room. He's too tired and just thinking about the question hanging behind Jisung's teeth exhausts him even more.

A small click and suddenly his eyes are bombarded with colors once more. Daniel lets out a groan, opening one eye to glare at Jisung's expecting form. Two minutes pass. Daniel still hasn't made up his mind whether to run into him or screams at him for invading his space.

"Aish, you big baby." Jisung shakes his head in exasperation after another minute of silence. He walks towards Daniel, stretching his arms wide while smiling fondly. "Come here."

Daniel blinks.

_Jisung-hyung…._

His feet are moving on their own accord, and the next thing he finds Jisung's arms are circling around his body in a loose grip. "There, there." he pats his head gently. "You're going to be okay. I'm here. I will always be here."

Daniel feels his eyes burn.

"Hyung I—" he gulps down, "I think… I think I'm doing this all wrong."

"Daniel," he calls him softly. "It's Jihoon, isn't it?"

The younger man is silent before he sucks in a breath. Looks like Woojin was telling the truth. Jisung knows. Everyone knows. "Yeah—it's Jihoon. It has always been him since the start."

"Have you tried talking to him?" Jisung says while stroking Daniel's hair. "Try asking him, I'm sure that he will answer all your doubts right away. It never hurts to ask, you know?"

"That's not true." Daniel breathes harshly. "Sometimes it hurts to ask."

"Then you would give up?" asks Jisung. "Would you give him up?"

Daniel freezes.

"He'd called again a few minutes ago." Jisung begins carefully and hope swells inside his heart only to disappear a moment later when the older shakes his head. "Not Jihoon, but his brother, Jungho-ssi. He gave us his number and told us to call him if there's any problem concerning Jihoon's unplanned departure because he's going to stay there for another day. He seemed like a good, dependable older brother. So please don't worry too much about his wellbeing, okay?"

"It's not what I'm worried about." He manages to bite out. "It's Jihoon's state. He—He sounded like…"

Jisung blinks at him. "Daniel…?"

A pause. Daniel clenches his fist tight and feels his eyes burn.

"He sounded like, uh, l-like he's about to cry."

Jisung stops his ministration to pull Daniel up from the bed, then stares at him.

"I don't know what happened between the two of you, Daniel. But I want to help. And I'm sure that the rest are thinking the same thing as me."

"But there's _nothing_ you can do, hyung," Daniel says harshly. "It's me—It's all because of me. I hurt Jihoon. And sooner or later, I'm going to hurt all of you too. Fuck, we haven't debuted yet, and here I'm ruining everything. I'm so pathetic."

"Daniel, hey—" Jisung lets out a sight when Daniel refuses to meet his eyes. "Daniel, look at me.  _Please_."

With a heavy heart, Daniel raises his head to meet Jisung's.

"Don't ever say that again, you hear me?" he says sternly. "This little family that we've build together maybe temporary, but our love isn't. No matter what you will choose, we'll support you. Because in the end, we only have each other and I'll be damned if you're trying to fight everything alone."

"Jisung-hyung…"

"You and Jihoon are my precious dongsaeng that I want to protect forever, but I know that I can't keep shielding the two of you from everything." He chuckles humorlessly. "But it doesn't mean that I will stop trying. You're like a little brother to me, Daniel. I promised your mother that I will take care of you, and I will keep it to my grave."

Daniel buries his face into Jisung's chest, fighting back the tears.

"Just think about it again, alright?" Jisung says softly. "The numbers are written on the note beside the landline. I'm going to leave now, okay?"

"Yeah, I'm—" he pauses. "Just, thank you, hyung."

Jisung kisses the top of his head, then smiles. "Anytime, Daniel."

 

 

}{

 

 

Jihoon allows his gaze wander around the room, an uncertain expression making its way onto his face. It's a large place, large enough to fit their entire family inside and even house a few of their pets. Jihoon presses his lips together as his eyes drift through the living room. The wall with the ugly wallpaper was long gone, replaced by ivory paint, making the apartment seem even nicer than before. He frowns.

_Brother hates bright colors._

A hand suddenly places itself on his shoulder, gently pushing him out of the doorway into the dimly lighted room.

"Just come inside already, why are you hesitating, hm?"

His attention is now focused on his brother's back as he pushes past him. "I'm just admiring the view. It seems like a lot of things have changed around here."

Hyungsik looks back and rolls his eyes at him. "Sure, Jihoon-ah. Whatever helps you sleep." He waves his hand carelessly. "Speaking about that, you should sleep. It's almost three in the morning you know. Your pajamas are stacked in my room, go change already."

"Aren't we going to meet someone first?" he blurts out.

"Huh? What are you—oh," realization fills his eyes. "You mean Seulgi? Nah. She must be asleep right now, you should wait until mor—"

"Hyungsik-ah? Is that you?"

The actor stops short, eyes darting into the dark hallway. Jihoon follows his gaze. There is a small figure standing beside the door, watching them with half-opened eyes. Jihoon pins his eyes on her with such curiosity in his eyes, and what he sees knock the breath out of his lungs.

She looks exactly like what Hyunwoo had described. Jihoon allows himself a small, sad smile as he looks at her; cheeks rosy, eyes sparkling. She is really small, barely reaching his shoulders. Her face delicate, not in the way that insinuates she is weak, but in a way that insinuates she sits on another level from him; like he’s not worthy enough to even touch her. His fingers instinctively curl against his palm.

_Ah, no wonder_. He thinks.  _She is perfect._

Jihoon keeps clenching and unclenching his palms until he can’t feel them anymore. Something about her feels so wrong. Something about her makes him want to run and never come back; because people like her don’t exist in real life. He would run if he could; if he only feels less dazed, less exhausted—

(Less like he doesn’t even really care.)

"Seulgi? You're still awake?" Hyungsik blinks in confusion before he winces. "Oh god, don't tell me that we woke you up."

She laughs softly in response, watching as the actor makes his way towards her. "Don't worry about that. You'd just got back? What's taking you so long?"

"What do you mean don't worry, geez." He ruffles her hair into a mess and smiles gently. "And about that, I was out with Hyunwoo as usual, and also—"

Jihoon jumps when the actor turns around and motions for him to come closer. Looking down at his feet, Jihoon walks towards the pair while biting his lip in nervousness.

"This," Jihoon yelps when he's suddenly pulled under his brother's arm. "Is my baby brother, Jihoon. I've told you about him before, remember?"

"Ah, so this is the infamous Park Jihoon that you guys were always talking about." There is a small giggle, and the next thing he knows the actress is holding his hand gently. "Hello, Jihoon-ah. My name is Seulgi, it's nice to finally meet you in person."

Gulping down his nervousness back into his throat, Jihoon finally has enough courage to look up into her eyes, albeit shyly. It's the first time that he'd ever seen someone so beautiful up close and it makes him suddenly conscious about his appearance. "U-Uh, nice to meet you too."

Hearing this makes a smile appear on her face. Once again, Jihoon is floored at how beautiful she looks to even notice that she's still holding his hand. "Your brother is right. You're cuter in person." she giggles. Jihoon ducks his head low at the praise. "Now I want to have a little brother too. Ahh, I really want to~"

"Yah, stop embarrassing him." Hyungsik flicks her forehead gently. "Anyway, he's going to stay here for the time being. Maybe for a day or two. You don't mind, right?"

"What are you even talking about, you silly head." she frowns at him. "Of course I don't mind! It's your apartment after all."

"Just making sure." Hyungsik grins sheepishly at her before he turns his gaze on Jihoon again. "Get changed and rest okay? I'll join you later. Now go, kiddo."

Jihoon looks at him for a moment or two, then at Seulgi's smiling form, hesitating. But then his brother pats his head tenderly and motions him to his bedroom.

They are talking in hushed voice right now that Jihoon can't pick up the words they're saying, but he can definitely see the endearment as clear as day inside Hyungsik's eyes. And he can't help but think how lucky she is to be loved by two amazing people like his brother and Daniel.

_No_ , Jihoon shakes his head.  _Don't be like this, Park Jihoon._

With a last glance into the pair, Jihoon walks toward the door with a heavy heart.

 

 

}{

 

 

"Kiddo, you have to be good when we're gone, okay?" His brother orders him with a serious expression on his face. "Just call one of us if something happens. Heck, you can even call Hyunwoo. I'm leaving my phone with you, so you better update me every one minute, or I swear to god I'm going to drag your ass with us to the filming location."

Hearing this tears a snort or two from Jihoon's lips. He sees Seulgi hiding a smile behind her palm too, and honestly, it's the only thing that keeps him from pulling his brother into a headlock. "Yeah, hyung. Stop worrying. I'll be fine."

Hyungsik pouts at him. "Remember to—"

"Yeah, I know. Now shoo." Jihoon cuts him off before he can continue. "Seulgi-noona, I know it's a load of work, but please take care of his annoying ass in my place."

Seulgi laughs at him and salutes. "You've got it, captain!"

They joke around for another minute or two before Hyungsik's manager calls him from the outside. His brother scurries out the door without a word, but not before he pats him twice and motions for Seulgi to follow him. Jihoon automatically closes his eyes when a warm palm is placed above his head.

"Jihoon-ah, the food is in the freezer, okay?" Seulgi ruffles his head and smiles down at him. "Don't forget to heat it before you eat. We'll be going now, take care!"

"A-Ah," he blinks when the warmth is suddenly gone. He looks up to shout into Seulgi's disappearing back. "Thank you noona!"

Jihoon raises his hand to touch his messy hair and blinks again. It’s only been two days since they’d first met, but Jihoon’d already lost count at how many times the actress left him speechless. Whether it'd be her smile, her manner, or her aura which reminds him so much of his mother; every little thing about her is endearing. Jihoon tries to resent her for every pain that had been inflicted on him, tries to resent her for stealing Daniel's heart, but he can't.

(Jihoon can't hate her no matter how hard he tries.)

Because Seulgi is kind—she's too kind and warm and just downright _beautiful_. Jihoon likes her smile, and he also likes to hear her laugh. It's impossible to resent such perfect being like her, and Jihoon is completely torn as what to feel about the actress. After all, it's not her fault that Daniel'd fallen in love. It's not her fault that they still love each other until now. It's not her fault that Jihoon's heart was broken.

_No, it's not._

The sound that escapes Jihoon’s throat is another one of those sad laughs that mean nothing like what laughter should mean.

_I was the stupid one._

It's all on him. Because he's the stupid one who couldn't read the fucking emotion behind Daniel's eyes. He should have known that it wasn't him from the start. He should have, but he kept pretending; kept ignoring everything and now it's too late for him to take everything back.

Jihoon is the one at fault, and he understands that perfectly.

_**Drrt** _

Jihoon jumps a little when he feels a vibration inside the pocket of his pants. He fishes Hyungsik's phone out and frowns at the unknown numbers which plastered over the gleaming screen. After pondering for a while, he decides to pick up the call.

"Hello?" he begins softly. "Who is this?"

"Jihoonie," the voice he knows so well begin to float inside his ear. "Are you 'ere?"

Jihoon's eyes widen when he recognizes the voice talking to him. His hand begins to shake. "Wait,  _D-Daniel-hyung?_ "

"Jihoonie!" a loud, boisterous chuckle echoes from the transmitter. "Ah, our Jihoonie… you can hear me, righ'?"

Jihoon presses his lips together. "Hyung… are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not. What're you talking 'bout?" Daniel laughs hoarsely. "Just—peachy. Can you hear me? I need—I need to tell you, uh, something."

"Daniel-hyung," Jihoon growls. "Where are you? Are you out drinking right now? Why—"

"No, no. I'm not—drunk." He cuts him off, hiccupping. "Listen, Jihoonie. I've—I've been thinkin' real h-hard," his sentence is cut short with a hiccup. "About how to tell you what has happened since you—left."

"What are you talking about?" Jihoon hisses low. He walks towards the bedroom to grab his coat and scarf before he runs into the front door. "Where are you now? Are you alone?"

"I'm—somewhere. Here. The stars; they're so pretty from 'ere." Daniel says with a giggle. "They are really pretty, uh, but don't worry, your eyes still pre-ttier for me, Jihoon-ah."

Daniel hiccups again and that reminds Jihoon of how out of it he actually is. How can he find him if most of the things Daniel spouted were nonsense?

"Hyung, you need to tell me where are you now so I can come and get you." Jihoon tries to tone down his voice a bit, "Are you okay? Please tell me you are."

"I'm—I think I'm okay. Just a little bit fuzzy. And it's getting cold here. Real cold." Daniel says with a shudder. "And the salt keeps gettin' into my mouth when I breathe. It tastes bad. But the stars—they are very pretty."

Jihoon stops.

_Salt?_

His eyes widen. There is only one place that he can think of right now, and considering the sound of turning wheels combined with splashing of water he heard in the distance, he must be right.

_It must be that place._

"Hyung, listen to me," Jihoon says. "Stay wherever you are right now. Don't go anywhere. I'll go and get you."

"N-No. Jihoon—listen." Daniel says again. "Listen, I have sumthin' to say."

Daniel's voice is a static inside his ears. Jihoon runs across the pavement with even steps. He doesn't know why Daniel thinks that he has the capability to talk with a stable voice when shitface drunk. He couldn't even walk straight most of the times so what's wrong with him right now?

"A long time ago, I… fell in love with someone."

Jihoon almost hangs up on him, fingers feeling shakier than they were initially when he accepted the call.

_What?_

"I met her when I was in middle school, I think, an' she was in h-high school. You know that I was, uh, bullied, right? This person was the one who'd helped me through it all." His voice becomes strained. "She was so small a-and fragile, but she was so  _strong_. She protected me and shielded me whenever people tried to tease me. For me, she was like—like a hero, I think. An' I idolized her throughout my adolescence before I realized that... that my feeling wasn't platonic. It wasn't, at all."

Jihoon grips the phone tighter and wonders why Daniel's telling him all these things. But he doesn't stop running. He needs to find the older before it's too late.

"It was in my first year of, uh, maybe high school? That I realized I'd fallen in love all along," Daniel confesses softly. "It wasn't all fireworks and butterflies. The realization didn't come with a bang or—or somethin' like that. It wasn't. I was… content. And I thought that, ah,  _I think I love her_ ; and confessed to her a few weeks later. Funnily, she accepted me as her boyfriend without even batting an eyelash."

_Why would she ever reject you?_  Jihoon wants to spat the words into his face.  _You're so perfect. No one could ever resist you._

"I thought that I was so lucky—s-so damn lucky to have her in my life, you know? She was beautiful and talented and kind. She actually laughed at my jokes an' enjoyed talking to me. Not even once she treated me like a child. She—" he pauses. "She was  _perfect_. She's so fucking perfect, and I was blinded by my love for her that I failed to see the signs." Daniel laughs humorously. "A fool in love, t-that I was."

His steps falter for a moment before he picks up his pace again. There is something incredibly sad in the way Daniel talks, and honestly, Jihoon wants to just hang up and forgets everything he'd said. But the other part of him is waiting for this; waiting for the truth. And that's all he needs to keep the line connected for the time being.

"Two years into our relationship, she, uh, she suddenly... changed. Our meetup became less and less. I tried to r-reach her, but my mails and calls were ignored. She just, stopped acknowledging my presence, and I—I didn't understand  _why_." he pauses. "Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt her? I was _so_ confused." a weak laugh tears off his lips. "It didn't make me stop, though. I still visited her workplace. Night or day, I would be there, sitting on the freezing metal bench— waiting for her."

Daniel pauses for a moment before he opens his mouth again.

"One cold winter, she walked out and actually talked to me." Daniel chuckles wetly. "I was so happy. It was my eighteen birthday, and I was about to invite her to dinner, but—"

His voice cracks.

"But, it ended up with our breakup instead."

_What?_

"She was gone from the town for exactly two months and a week after our breakup. There was no h-hello from my phone or maybe, I don't know, a belated goodbye arriving on my doorstep. There was  _nothing._ I was left with radio silence over two years, and I—I didn't know what to do with my life anymore."

Jihoon blinks the tears from his eyes. His chest is hurting badly, just like his entire being. He always thinks that hurting is way better than feeling numb, but he's not so sure of that anymore. The only thing that stops him from crying out loud is the cold wind whipping against his face and eyes.

"I just, missed her so bad, you know?" Daniel continues after a minute. "And it felt like there was another hole in my heart, a part that was taken away with her. So I—I just waited for another hour to pass, thinkin' that she would c-come back. But then hours became days, days became months, months became years, and she  _didn't_."

_Daniel-hyung…_

"She left me, just like that," he says. "She didn't—She didn't even say goodbye."

Jihoon opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Daniel’s voice.

"And you left me, just like she did."

Jihoon pauses when he hears a choked sob from the other line. His feet are rooting into the ground just like his heart against his stomach. But a second later he stars running again when he accidentally sees the familiar bridge in the distance.

_Please, please be there._

"Fuck, m'sorry," Daniel mumbles into the receiver, voice breaking. "I-I was a fool... should've known better… I s-should—"

"Ssh, it's okay," whispers Jihoon with bated breath. He walks towards the bridge where they’d spent watching stars together a long time ago and feels his heart getting heavier and heavier with each step he takes. "I understand."

"N-No." Daniel murmurs brokenly. "It's not okay—fuck it, I hate myself so much for letting you go. I should've learned my lesson. Should've stopped you. Should—Should've begged for your forgiveness. I—"

"Daniel stop." he sighs. "It has already happened. There's nothing you could do to change the past."

When he reaches the bottom of the bridge, Jihoon immediately looks around the barren place, praying so hard to see Daniel's light brown hair among the darkness. For a full minute, Jihoon is lost, before he sees a shadow standing near the shore; its posture hunched and painfully familiar.

"But I should've said _I love you_."

Jihoon freezes when it turns around to face him. Then he sees Daniel, pale and shaking under the moonlight, still talking into the receiver.

"I should have said that I loved you when I knew it would be the last time." he continues with shaking voice. "I should have told you, but I didn't say a thing."

"Hyung…" he bites his bottom lip. "I—"

At that moment, their eyes choose to meet each other. Jihoon sees the way Daniel's orbs glistening with tears, and the way his cheeks flushed red and eyes unfocused. The older boy looks very much the same; Jihoon notices as he turns off his phone and takes a step forward. Daniel’s hair still has the same brunette undertone it used to be the last time they saw each other. His broad shoulders and pale skin; the mole under his right eye—everything is very much the same; but also different at the same time.

(Daniel, usually calm and composed, looks so unsettled, has dark circles under his eyes. His cheeks are losing their fullness, the skin clinging over his cheekbones and he looks skinnier.)

_No._

(He looks emptier.)

"Jihoon-ah?" Daniel suddenly whispers. The familiar green bottle of soju clutched in one hand, while the others stacked messily on the sand near him. "Is that you?"

Jihoon snaps out of his thoughts and his gaze lands directly on Daniel's cloudy dark eyes. He almost forgot he was supposed to be having a conversation.

"Daniel-hyung," he tries to sound casual, but fails, as he should be. "Are you—Are you okay?"

"Jihoonie," The nickname makes his heart shrink sizes inside his chest, "You came."

Words are falling behind the wall of his teeth. Honestly, Jihoon doesn't know what to say even after all this time he spent building up his confidence brick by brick.

"You really came," Daniel repeats again, louder. He is taking a step towards him as far as his shaky legs will carry him. "I thought you would never come."

In contrast with him, Jihoon's feet are rooting into the ground. Because Daniel is watching him, and looking into those eyes alone has forced his wall to crumble down to pieces.

_Why are you looking at me like that?_

When he feels a big hand curl up against his forearm and warms lips upon his, Jihoon snaps out from his thoughts, jerking back until he falls into the sand.

"W-What are you doing?" he stutters. "Why did you k-kiss me?"

Long fingers caress his jaw so delicately as if he's going to disappear with any harsh movements. "Because I love you, Park Jihoon," Daniel says with a small voice as if he's afraid to see his reaction. "I really love you. Fuck, I'm so in love with you that I'm going crazy. Maybe you won't believe me, but I do. I really do and I—"

“No. That’s not—that’s not it. Tell me the truth.” Jihoon knows that he sounds terrible, but he needs this. He needs to make sure whether he heard him right. “Don’t lie to me again. Just this once, I want you to be honest with me.”

"But I'm not lying," says Daniel desperately. "I swear to god, I'm not lying to you. I'm—"

"Don't." Jihoon chokes out. His vision is so blurry he can only make out Daniel's outline as he starts punching his chest hard, muttering under his breath. "You're drunk. Just stop talking."

Daniel shakes his head and cups Jihoon's face between his palms.  _“I’m not.”_

"You are—You are drunk, and you'll not remember anything by tomorrow." Jihoon insists, punctuating the statement with a jarring jerk to Daniel's shoulders. "So please, get some rest and—"

"I'm not, Jihoon. Listen please," He croaks out, stating as firmly as he can with Jihoon's face inches from his. "I'm in love with you."

Jihoon takes a long swallow of air and immediately wished he hasn't. Despite the thousand reasons running through his head detailing exactly why it's wrong for Daniel to love him, for Daniel to be anywhere near him at _all_ , Jihoon feels his palms beginning to sweat and his heart launching into a strangely irregular new beat. He alternately wants to run screaming from the older male and stay there forever.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I know this will sound like an excuse, but I was afraid; too afraid to take the chance and even now—" Daniel continues with a wet chuckle. "Even now, I'm still afraid that I've somehow ruined everything. That somehow, I've ruined the chance to fix everything between us. Because I love you, I really do, but at the same time I'm afraid to love you."

Jihoon's mouth opens and then closes. He has no idea what to say.

"But suddenly Seongwoo popped out in my mind. He said—look at you; such a coward. You're scared shitless. Why are you so scared? Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring about what other people think. Stop waiting for the right moments and live for now."

Swallowing hard, Jihoon tries to calm himself down. He breathes, then swallows again without succeeding in clearing his mind which still in shambles.

"And I want to do it," Daniel says again, small at first but it grows and blooms, and he looks so brave in Jihoon's eyes. "Fuck, I sound miserable, but I—I just want to tell you everything. Because Jihoon, if not for you," his voice softens. "If not for your presence, your smile, your everything; I would never heal."

Jihoon stills his breath at the barrage of words. He isn't shaking anymore, his body numb. There are no tears. Maybe he has no tears left to cry, or maybe he has nothing to cry for. And yet somewhere between the pain and his failing lungs, his heart feels heavy.

"I—"Jihoon gnaws at his lower lip, leaving a red trace across the swelling edge. "Please don't… not now. I can't—I'm afraid—"

"I'm afraid too." he cuts him off "Do you know how hard it is for me? You  _can't_  even imagine a second of it. But here I am, standing in front of you, even though I’m scared shitless, even though the only thing I want is to run away—I’m still standing my ground. I refuse to be a coward again. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Jihoon. Isn’t that enough?"

"Daniel-hyung…" he chokes, his voice barely a whisper. "Please."

“One chance.” He whispers. “Just one chance; that’s all I ask from you.”

Wordless noise escapes Jihoon, and the sentence seems to hang in the air between them, alive with the palpitation of his heart as they look at each other in the eyes.

"Will you give me the chance, Jihoon?" he asks softly with doubts and fear lacing his words. "Will you?"

What follows is silence. It stretches over them for a while, leaving shutters across their mouths. It feels like he has been standing there for hours when in reality only seconds had passed. Jihoon tries to keep his feet grounding to the earth, but fails the moment Daniel opens his mouth again.

"Will you give me the chance to love you, Jihoon?"

Jihoon bites his lower lip. "I'm—"

"You don't have to answer now. I know that you need time." Daniel cuts him off with a slight squeeze on his arms. But it’s a few seconds later that Jihoon realizes that Daniel's trying to keep himself from losing his balance. "But Jihoon, if there's still a place for me in your heart—even if… even if it’s just a little, p-please have me back."

"Hyu—"

"Because this time around, I won't let anyone go ever again."

Jihoon can't see his face clearly through the tears, but he hears him choke back another sob before it becomes a full-blown cry.

"I won't let  _you_  go ever again."

After that sentences uttered, Daniel falls forward into Jihoon's unsuspecting arms. Jihoon immediately puts his arms around the older and tries to lift him up, but Daniel's weight is too much for him to handle.

"D-Daniel—hyung?"

He doesn't answer, lips falling shut just like his eyes. Jihoon ponders about what to do instead, but there's no use in thinking because when his mind is a mess. He feels himself reaching out to touch's Daniel's cheeks. They are cold but amazingly soft, free of stubble or imperfections of any kind. His hands continue their exploration, ending on Daniel's neck, then down his chest. Jihoon feels his heartbeat drum erratically against his palm.

_What should I do?_

It takes Jihoon a total of ten minutes looking for his borrowed phone and scans over the list of contacts, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. His finger ghosts over his brother's name, before he shakes his head abruptly and presses the name below him.

The line is connecting. Jihoon tightens his arms around Daniel and wills himself to not cry.

_**Pip.** _

"Hyung," Jihoon chokes out. "Help me.”

 

 

* * *

_i’m_ _still searching  
for the reason _ _  
that you  
left me,  
is it too much for you,_  
_to never let go?  
because i’m homesick  
for arms that  
don’t want  
to hold  
me,  
  
so please  
make it quick,_ __  
because i’m running out of ways  
to forgive myself.

* * *

tbc— 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, this is chapter nine! *sweats nervously*
> 
> You’re not going to kill me this time right? This chapter, after all, is not that angsty :) I mean, none of you cried because of this right? It’s only me who cried right? *sniffs* Sometimes I really hate myself a lot…. *cries anime tears*
> 
> Well, I won’t say much. I just hope that you get what I’m trying to convey in this chapter, whether it sadness, happiness, regret—or maybe a combination of all of them xd. I know that my writing style is not really that common, and maybe most of you don’t really like it that much and only stick around because nielwink fics are really hard to find (I know the struggle TT TT), but I’d like to think that somehow this story has made its own place in between your everyday life and maybe won’t be forgotten that easily :)
> 
> Anyway, I promise that I will try to update faster next time~ But I’m trying to finish my vampire!au first (because I’ve been neglecting it for such a long time *sniffs*) so please be patient okay? :) Last, thank you so much for all the comments, kudos, and bookmarks! You don’t know how grateful I am to receive such amazing responses from all of you. Once again, thank you for reading ily~ >3
> 
> P.s: I’m sorry for any (read: many) grammatical errors! I’ll try to correct it as soon as possible~ See you in the next chapter! ^^


	10. odi et amo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon doesn’t sleep.

Jihoon curls his fingers among Daniel’s soft hair as he looks out the window. It'd took Hunywoo a half an hour to pick them up since the rain had caused some delays on the road. As soon as he saw him, Jihoon emerged out of the shelter they were under all the while dragging Daniel’s body. It was proven an impossible feat since he couldn’t even get him even a step towards the car. Thankfully, Hyunwoo had stepped out from his car to help him, and—

“Are you okay, Jihoon?”

 _And_ he has been questioning Jihoon nonstop for the past hour; just like this instance.

“Yeah, I’m—” he pauses, mulling over his words again and again before he sighs. “I think I’m fine, hyung.”

Hyunwoo snorts. “You think you’re fine, huh?”

“I _am_ fine.” he corrects him while forcing a smile. “Don’t worry too much about me. Just focus on the road.”

Three seconds after their conversation ended, the red in the distance blinks green. Hyungwoo tightens the grip on the steering wheel before his feet slowly releases the brake and lets the car move forward.

Jihoon sighs.

(The silence which falls between them is a little bit colder than usual and he doesn’t like it.)

“You and Kang Daniel,” Hyunwoo begins again, voice cold and stiff. “What’s going on between the two of you?”

“Nothing is going on.” Jihoon rebukes almost immediately. “He’s just—he’s just a friend.”

“Friend?” echoes Hyungwoo, rolling his eyes. “I’m not sure about that.”

“What are you trying to say?” Jihoon bites out, suddenly feeling protective of himself. “Just leave it alone, hyung. I promise that we’ll talk but not now.”

“Why? Because you need to talk with him first?” Hyunwoo asks. “Are you sure that nothing is going on between the two of you? He was the reason why you’re crying that night, right?”

“I—” Jihoon gulps down. “He’s not—”

“He was, wasn’t he?” he whispers. “Huh. I didn’t expect that from you, Jihoon. I thought you’re stronger than this.”

Jihoon bites down his lower lip. “You—You don’t know anything.”

“That’s right.” he snorts. “But at least I know that he hurt you.”

“It’s not… like that.” The younger male trails off, feeling drained all of sudden. God, he wants to fucking _scream_. “It’s me. I’m the stupid one.”

“Stop protecting him,” The actor snaps. “You’re not stupid.”

“But I am!” he almost shouts. “I’m the one who should have known better than loving someone who will never love me back!”

Jihoon swallows hard along with the sound of tire decks that suddenly rub against the asphalt.

“Fuck, this is not good.” he murmurs low, “You need to stop, okay? Stop before you lose everything. I will help you and I’m sure that your brother will do the same. You’ll get through this.”

Jihoon widens his eyes. “W-Wait—”

“It’s a good thing that Wanna One isn’t a permanent group,” Hyunwoo says, cold and harsh as if he’s talking about something mundane. “I knew from the start that being an idol wasn’t a right choice for you. But don’t worry, we will fix it soon. All you need to do is wait for your contract to end, and you’ll be free from everything.”

_You’ll be free from him._

The thought alone is enough to make him sick in the stomach. So Jihoon chooses to close his eyes shut, his grip tightening against Daniel’s much bigger hand without him knowing.

Jihoon is having one of his phases again; that phase when he can’t step out from his messed-up mind. He just hasn’t actually gone to admit it to himself. Because if he does, his brother will take him away from his current life as an idol and tell him to forget everything.

He’ll want him to forget Daniel, and Jihoon simply doesn’t want that.

(He doesn’t want to forget him at all.)

 

 

* * *

 _si_ _vis amari, ama  
_ — **if you wish to be loved, love** —

}{

{ even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time, }  
_so let us love with everything we have._

* * *

 **10**  
「odi et amo」

* * *

}{

 

 

Kang Daniel can definitely hold his liquor well, but even he has that limit which can’t be crossed. And it looks like he’d crossed it, stepped over it, then danced over its ashes; because right now he’s giggling under the tangled sheet inside his brother’s bedroom while belting out a random song in a pitch that’s way higher than it supposedly is.

Another giggle echoes. Jihoon’s right eye twitches.

_Right._

He’s drunk out of his mind.

“I can’t believe him,” Jihoon mutters under his breath. “This is ridiculous.”

Moving closer to inspect the gigantic bundle of sheet, Jihoon realizes that Daniel is thoroughly smashed. The younger male takes in the faint pink on Daniel’s cheeks and how he seems to stumble all over the bed. Jihoon is nearly ready to use his fist on him if not for the fact that he’s not in a state to be punched over.

“You’re such a big baby,” Jihoon grumbles while pulling on the sheet. “Stop moving already! I’m trying to change your clothes, idiot. Do you want to freeze to death that badly?”

Daniel giggles again in response, and Jihoon begins to think if that’s the only thing he can afford to do right now. “Jihoon, are you—” he hiccups. “—trying to undress me?”

“Yes—I mean no, wait.” Jihoon shakes his head. “Ugh, just shut up and let me do my job properly!”

After three failed attempts and two frustrated screams later, Jihoon finally manages to get Daniel into one of his brother’s shirt and slacks. Jihoon sees Daniel open his mouth only to cover it again. His adam apples bobble up and down as he swallows, and Jihoon is sure that he’s about to throw up.

“Are you feeling sick? Do you want me to take you to the bathroom?” he asks worriedly when Daniel begins to dangle over the bed. “Hyung, don’t do that! You’re going to make it worse!”

“N-No, I’m fine.” Daniel blinks his eyes up innocently. “I’m just—”

When Daniel lurches forward to empty his stomach all over the floor, all Jihoon can do is stare.

_Shit._

“I told you that you’re going to be sick!” he pulls Daniel from the bed. “Ugh, Jungho-hyung is going to kill me.”

With difficulties, he drags Daniel into the bathroom and settles him right in front of the sink. To his relief, none of his body parts are coated with vomit. All he needs to do is to get his entire mouth cleaned.

_But how could I do that?_

Feeling the incoming headache knocking against his skull, Jihoon presses his forehead against the cold tile. “Why everything is such a mess?”

After taking in a calming breath, Jihoon pulls out a spare toothbrush from behind the bathroom cabinet and stares at Daniel, which thankfully hasn’t been moving at all from his previous position. The older male leans against the marble countertop, eyes half-lidded and face flushed red as he stares at the small item inside Jihoon’s hand.

“Come on,” Jihoon sighs. “You need to brush your teeth from all those germs.”

“Oh,” Daniel blinks at him, and it’s cute, really. But it’s not cute enough to get him a free pass from the upcoming doom Jihoon’d planned for him. “I can do it. Brushing teeth. Easy.”

Even though he’s a bit skeptical, Jihoon gives in and watches Daniel brush his teeth with many difficulties. The older boy has almost poked his eyeball twice and dropped the brush thrice and Jihoon is getting nervous by now.

“Are you sure that you can do it?” Jihoon asks while biting his lower lip in concern. “Do you need my help?”

Daniel shakes his head, smiling up at him while getting toothpaste all over himself. Then after a full three minutes of moving his brush randomly, Daniel spits and rinses out his mouth, looking pleased with himself.

“You finished already?” Jihoon blinks in surprise when Daniel turns around to nod at him eagerly. “Um, are you sure? Like, do you still taste your vomit? If you do, please brush your teeth again.”

Once again, Daniel doesn’t give him a verbal answer and instead he points at his lips and motions at Jihoon to come closer. Blinking out in confusion, Jihoon points at himself and tilts his head. Daniel nods, eyes crinkling up like crescents. He begins to walk then, all the while sporting an uncertain look on his face.

After they are only a step away, Daniel tugs on Jihoon’s sleeves so their noses are almost touching. Jihoon turns rigid when he feels Daniel moves his head closer.

“What,” Jihoon breathes. “What are you doing?”

Daniel pretends he hasn’t heard and instead he’s moving even closer that his lips are touching the skin of his ears.

“If you don’t believe me,” he rasps into Jihoon’s ears, igniting tremors all over his skin. “You can taste it yourself, Jihoon-ah.”

When Daniel moves forward to connect their lips together, Jihoon is completely frozen on his feet.

_What the fuck is happening?_

Jihoon pushes his palms against his chest in reflex, but there is no strength behind them. It feels like he’s under a spell, so he lets Daniel press their mouth together and thinks how different it feels from what he’s used to. Because it feels different somehow. Jihoon can’t really explain by words, but something has shifted between them and he doesn’t know if he likes the change.

He’s deep in thought when Daniel reaches over to rake his long fingers between the mess of his hair and begins to _tug_. Jihoon gasps at the slight pain and Daniel’s tongue suddenly sweeps into his mouth. He shuts his eyes tight and braces for the weird combination of vomit and toothpaste, but instead of that, Jihoon tastes the elusive mint and also Daniel himself across his own tongue and he unconsciously lets out a moan at the sensation.

Opening his eyes to Daniel’s closed ones, Jihoon tries to not melt right here and then. His hyung maybe pissed drunk, but his damp lips and warm tongue prove him otherwise. Their kiss lasts for a minute or two – he didn’t really keep count – before he leans back to smile at Jihoon.

“How’s the taste?”

Jihoon jumps, hitting his head against the tiled wall in his surprise. The pain is unimaginable, and he groans loudly right into Daniel’s chest.

“Why—Why did you do that?” he blurts out. “Just— _why?”_

Daniel happily settles his chin above his head. “I can’t kiss my own boyfriend?”

Jihoon’s stomach does a somersault. “W-What boyfriend?”

“I confessed already, hadn’t I?” Daniel asks with a cheery smile. “It’s official! You’re my boyfriend now, Jihoon-ah!”

_…what?_

“You have to be kidding me,” he laughs weakly, eyes falling on his feet. “Stop it, Daniel. Just—”

_—stop playing with my feelings._

He bites down his bottom lip hard until he tastes blood. He just doesn’t fucking understand him anymore.

_What do you want from me?_

“I’m not.”

Jihoon looks up and catches Daniel’s staring at him with a determined expression on his face.

“Believe in me,” he says, and suddenly he’s a different person altogether. His face no longer holding its previous determination and he looks almost desperate now. “That’s all I ask of you. Just believe in me, Jihoon.”

 _Believe in you?_ He echoes in his mind. _How could I?_

But Jihoon doesn’t say any of that and chooses to keep his mouth shut. Looking at the disappointed smile on his face, it seems like Daniel understand what has been going on in his mind. So instead of pressing him further, he takes a hold of his hand and guides him back into the bedroom.

Jihoon lets him pull him under the covers and tangles their legs against each other. The older male moves a few times around to adjust their position so he’s not crushing him under his weight before he tugs him closer. The fabric is feather-soft against his skin, but Daniel’s touch is ten times softer.

“Sleep?” he rasps out.

Jihoon nods.

“Sleep.” 

 

   

}{

 

 

Jihoon doesn’t sleep.

He waits until Daniel is sound asleep before he pries himself from his side and walks out the room to get some water. He returns five minutes later and without thinking first, he crawls next to the sleeping boy, admiring him from near.

“You’re so perfect,” he unknowingly says out loud. “Why did she leave you?”

He knows that it’s a stupid question, but he can’t help but wonder anyway. Daniel is so fucking perfect. Why would anyone ever want to leave someone like him?

_You left him too, remember?_

That sudden thought jolts him out of his mind. Jihoon jumps back as far away from Daniel as possible and slows his ragged breathing. He tries to think about happier times to calm himself down, and yet nothing can erase the revolting thought from his mind.

So he thinks about Daniel’s sweet smile; his boisterous laugh; the way his eyes crinkled up when he’s happy which reminds him of a cat. He thinks about the memories that they share and thinks about every pain which etched along with the said memories and _really_ thinks this time around;

_Am I ready to lose them all?_

Jihoon lets a bittersweet smile paint his pale lips.

_Never._

Sighing, Jihoon decides that he needs another glass of water to cool his head. But when he’s about to stand, Daniel’s hand suddenly reaches out to grip his arm tight.

“…don't go.”

Jihoon blinks.

“….don’t leave me…”

_Ah._

He shakes his head in amusement. So the rumor is true. Daniel does sleep talk at night.

“Stupid hyung,” he mutters again, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Just sleep already.”

He tries to pull his arm from Daniel’s tight grip, but instead of loosening his fingers, he brings his arm to his chest. Under his slightly trembling palm, Jihoon feels Daniel's chest rise and fall gently. He tries to fight the smile on his face but fails in the end.

“Stay…” he murmurs again, “I need you…”

“You’re such a baby,” Jihoon whispers gently, hand reaching out to touch Daniel’s peaceful face. “Who says that I’m going to—”

“…Seulgi-noona.”

Jihoon immediately retracts his hand back.

_It hurts._

That's what Jihoon registers first, and then he’s suddenly numb. He pinches his arms until the skin turns an angry red. He moves over to slap his face as hard as he can. He even bites down his lower lip until it bleeds but still—

There’s nothing.

(He just feels so damn empty.)

And the next thing that he knows, his heart is breaking all over again.

 

 

}{

 

 

When it’s quiet and still, Jihoon drops into the dark corner of the living room and begins to rock back and forth. Unknowingly, he draws Daniel in his mind and the picture shocks his entire body with pain. Because with his face and beautiful eyes, with that bright smile that he’d learned to love, comes along those cruel words again.

Words that weren’t even directed at him. Words that had no intention to hurt. Words that broke him beyond doubt.

Words are just words, but Jihoon knows that Daniel’s words would mean another heartbreak and yet—

_It’s a lie. Everything he said is just one goddamn lie._

And yet he can’t stop this feeling at all.

“This is _ridiculous_ ,” he laughs brokenly. “I’m so stupid. Why I’m torturing myself like this?”

Jihoon fell in love, it’s a fact. He was so afraid back then, but it was a long time ago. He thought that scared part of him didn’t exist anymore. But he’s wrong, it seems. It still very much exists. That part of him that’s always scared, always in doubt, always _hurting_ is still there; just waiting under the thick layers of dust collected over the years.

(And now he doesn’t know what to do.)

He’s just… lost.

He doesn’t even want to know what he’s going to say when he wakes up later. That’s why he messaged Jisung-hyung an hour ago, asking him to pick Daniel up from his brother’s apartment. Jihoon is just so lost, and he needs to calm himself first before he’s faced with him again.

Jihoon gulps back a sob. Just the mention of his name is enough to wreck him into a mess. But the moment he’s about to break into tears, he hears the doorbell ring.

_Jisung-hyung?_

It takes more than a couple of minutes for him to drag himself out from the living room. When he opens the door, Jihoon expects to find his leader’s worried face and not a tall, lanky figure standing in the warped back glow of the glass doorway. It’s not an exaggeration to say that he’s shocked out of his mind to find a familiar face staring down at him.

“Hey.”

Jihoon stiffens, broad shoulders tensing and his teeth automatically clamp themselves over his bottom lip.

_Why?_

“Seongwoo… hyung.” Jihoon whispers. “Why are you here?”

Seongwoo looks at him and smiles the kind of smile that always makes him wants to smile back. Jihoon bites the insides of his cheek, unsure as to what is more unsettling – being the recipient of the said smile, or the fact this time around, he can’t even lift his mouth enough to reciprocate the smile.

“To collect that idiot, of course.” The older boy tries to joke, but when he sees the way Jihoon’s face harden his smile drops from his face. “You—Are you okay, Jihoon-ah?”

There is silence in place of his answer. Jihoon moves aside to let Seongwoo in, his face still frighteningly cold. “Come in, hyung.”

Jihoon doesn’t have to look to know that Seongwoo is hesitating. So he musters up his courage and pulls him in before kicking the door close.

“He’s inside.” Jihoon suddenly says and takes a big step into the hallway. “You—um, you can take him. But he’s still sleeping so I guess you need to give him a piggyback ride or something.”

“Jihoon-ah,” instead of following him, Seongwoo stops him from going further with a strong grip on his arm. “We need to talk first.”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” Jihoon pulls back sharply, breathing hard. But when he realizes how rude he’s sounded, he sighs and looks down at his feet, feeling apologetic all of sudden. “Just—Just take him and go, hyung.”

“But I need to—”

“Not now, hyung.” He cuts him off with a desperate whisper. “Please.”

They lapse into silence. Jihoon has to bit the inside of his cheek to keep him from bursting out into tears. The pain is still fresh and counting, and he doesn’t think that he can pretend for much longer.

_Please, just take him and go._

“Can I hug you?”

That sudden question throws him off his mind. Jihoon raises his head to find Seongwoo staring at him.

“Can I hug you before I leave, Jihoon-ah?” he whispers. “It’s okay if you don’t want to hear me out, but I miss my dongsaeng so much.”

By the time Seongwoo finished, Jihoon is sure that tears already making their way out from his eyes. He blinks them out before opening his eyes to look up at Seongwoo’s expecting form, pupils blown wide and slightly wet from the building pressure of tears.

“Jihoon…?”

Without a word, Jihoon walks closer, dragging his steps with him. When they are finally standing face to face, he reaches out to touch Seongwoo’s arm slowly as if he’s afraid that his touch would burn his skin. His mind is empty, and the only thing he can focus is the sad turn of Seongwoo’s lips and the way he’s staring at him with fear and desperation.

_I’m so sorry, hyung._

“Be careful on your way back.” He whispers as he settles his body against Seongwoo’s tall frame. “Don’t visit weird places and go straight to the dorm, it’s nearing midnight and it’s dangerous to be out without anyone to protect both of you so please wear your disguises. Don’t forget to give me a call when you arrive, okay?”

Jihoon knows that he’s rambling, projecting his pain onto the situation and trying to keep his voice from breaking. But he’s just so tired. Just so fucking tired of everything.

“Don’t worry, Jisung-hyung and Minhyunie are outside waiting for us.” he feels Seongwoo sneak his arm around his back, hugging him back gently. “There’s no way I can give that giant Samoyed a piggy back ride without breaking my back in the process, you know?”

“Oh,” Jihoon blinks. “They’re outside?”

“Yeah. I told them that I need to talk to you privately so—yeah,” Seongwoo scratches his chin. “You want to meet them?”

Jihoon is silent for a moment before he smiles softly at him. “No. It’s okay, hyung. And by the way, how long are you going to hug me?” he asks jokingly. “I’m starting to feel like you’re not going to let me go anytime soon.”

Seongwoo doesn’t answer him, and if possible his grip around Jihoon’s body tightens.

“You sure that you’re not coming with us?” he whispers. “Tomorrow is the rehearsal.”

“I’ll come back in the morning,” he whispers back. “Just let Daniel-hyung get some rest. He’s incredibly wasted.”

“That fucking idiot.” Seongwoo curses under his breath which tears a giggle or two from Jihoon’s lips. “I’m going to burn down all his manga and jellies when he wakes up, I swear.”

“Save me a picture when you’re at it.” he jokes weakly. “Now come, hyung. I need to show you how stupid Daniel-hyung looks when he’s pissed drunk.

 

 

}{

 

 

It’s a few hours after they left that Jihoon realizes there’s more to the story that Daniel didn’t tell him—so much more. Some pieces are still missing here and there, some parts forgotten and some untold. Jihoon appreciates his effort though. He understands how hard it must’ve been for him. To expose one’s darkest memories is no easy feat. At least he knows half of the truth now.

Jihoon sighs and turns around to stare at the clock on the wall. It’s almost morning, and Jihoon knows that sooner or later he has to leave this place. His brother had offered to drive him to the venue, but Jihoon has another thing in mind.

After tidying up, Jihoon walks into his brother’s room and looks inside, smiling when he finds the older male still hugging his pillow in his sleep. Seulgi and him had arrived exactly five minutes after his groupmates left. It’s a good thing that they hadn’t suspected anything and greeted him with a smile as usual. Jihoon closes the door quietly and rests his back against the cool wood for a while before he moves towards the living room with even steps.

Five steps later he catches a small figure sitting on the couch from his peripheral vision. Jihoon forces his feet to move faster, dreading every second as his feet cut their distance short.

“Jihoon?” he freezes for a second or two when Seulgi suddenly looks up into his direction. “You’re awake already?”

Jihoon can’t help but stare at her and wonders how could someone as bright and beautiful like this woman in front of him leave a permanent scar on Daniel’s heart. How could such a warm and kind person tear his heart to pieces without even telling him _why_.

_How could you break him like that, noona?_

“Jihoon-ah?” he snaps awake when Seulgi waves her hand in front of his face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, noona,” Jihoon answers her with a smile, “Good morning.”

Seulgi grins adorably at him, “Good morning too, kiddo! Looks like you’re an early bird, unlike your brother. I thought you’re going to sleep in.”

“Ah, about that,” Jihoon lets out a sheepish laugh, “If you don’t mind, would please you accompany me to the venue in my brother’s place? He looks so tired, I don’t have the heart to wake him up.”

Her smile drops for a second before it comes back again. “E-Eh, you’re not serious, right?” she laughs weakly, “I m-mean, isn’t outsider is forbidden to enter the area?”

“Don’t worry about that, noona You’re with me, after all. I promise that nothing will happen.” He reassures. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“I-I’m…” she trails off, biting down her lower lip. “I guess… I don’t? Uhm, when are we going, Jihoon-ah?”

“Really? Thank you noona!” he smiles brightly at her. “Actually, we can go now. If you’re ready of course.”

“Ah, okay. I’m going to—um, I’m going to grab my purse.” She smiles at him, though Jihoon can see the slight hesitation behind her eyes. “I promise I’ll be quick.”

“Take your time, Seulgi-noona.” He says gently to her. “I’ll wait for you.”

Seulgi nods at him then disappears into the dark hallways. As soon as she’s gone from his sight, Jihoon’s smile drops from his face.

_Huh, that’s easy._

He walks towards the sofa and lets gravity pull him down. There is a bile working up his throat, and for a second there he feels a little remorseful about lying to the actress. But as soon as he remembers his conversation with Daniel again, the feeling immediately disappears into nothing.

_Yeah, I’m not wrong._

Gulping down, he shuts his eyes close before he opens them again.

_She deserves this for everything she’d done._

Jihoon wants her to regret ever leaving Daniel, and this is how he’s going to start.

 

* * *

 _because_ i _want to feel you_ again,  
_because i want you to stay with me,  
because_i _want to see you again,_

 _because with you,_  
time stands still  
with you,  
there's no  
one else.  
  
and because it's you  
because i love  
you.

* * *

tbc— 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, anyone out there?
> 
> *krik krik*
> 
> No one? Please tell me there are people waiting for this fic *sniffs*
> 
> *silence*
> 
> O..kay. Should I grovel on my feet right now? I’m pretty sure that half of you are itching to kill me right now because I’ve been neglecting this fic for months. Yep, you read that right, months. But guys, after months of hardships, I’m finally back from my hiatus *insert woojin’s dolphin laughs here* and even though I know that it’s late, I just want to say that I was… really preoccupied these past weeks.
> 
> First, I won’t say anything about the recent news because I’m still pretty much sensitive to the whole thing. I’m not even a hardcore shawol, but it really hit me close to home... I’m sorry that you don’t see me around often on twitter, but I would like to grieve quietly—that’s what I’m used to. Just know that it’s okay to still be sad, even if more than a week have already passed since then. Please don’t let another people tell you otherwise, okay? Let’s hug! *hugs you tight*
> 
> Second, my semester finally ended five days ago! *cries in happiness* I was planning to write as soon as possible, but then I was busy helping the church for Christmas preparation, so yeah, I couldn’t really write at all. But now that the celebration has ended, I can finally squeeze some time to update this fic (fucking finally!) and also publish my new nielwink singledad!au fic; epoch (Which you’re going to read soon after this update, I hope xd).
> 
> Now that’s out, what do you think about this chapter? I have to say that you won’t like Jihoon’s character in the upcoming chapters. Like I’ve said before, Jihoon’s character is changing, thoroughly adapting into the new and forgein feeling he’s experienced and I think that making (choosing) wrong decisions is a part of that change. So if all this time you’re frustrated with Daniel’s character, then you’ll be annoyed with Jihoon’s from now on xd.
> 
> Well, because I’m free right now (hell yeah), I’ll try to update regularly like I did back in June/July, just please pray for my poor soul :) See ya in the next chapter~ ^^
> 
> P.s: I’m sorry for any (read: many) grammatical errors! I didn’t manage to deep-proof this chapter but I’ll try to correct it as soon as possible~ See you in the next chapter! ^^


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